You’d think after the True Detective finale crashed HBO GO, and given the enormous popularity of their eternally most pirated show, HBO would have realized have realized “Heyyyy, maybe we need to prepare for a tidal wave of traffic on Game of Thrones premiere night.” But no. Noooooooo. 9PM rolled around, and HBO GO clutched its heart and fell to the ground like it was in a damn Lifeline commercial.
How dare HBO stiff me on this thing that I technically shouldn’t be getting anyway because I use my parents’ account, huh?! The real world, like Westeros, is a cruel place, and I had to *shudder* wait to watch an episode of Game of Thrones that didn’t even have my beloved Stannis in it. I would much rather have been:
1) Mediating couples counseling between Cersei and Robert Baratheon.
2) Grilling Sandor Clegane about his favorite memories from growing up with his brother.
3) Slapping Joffrey (to be fair, I would rather be slapping Joffrey than doing pretty much anything else).
4) Listening to Jorah Mormont whine about the friend zone.
5) Listening to Varys rhapsodize about his absent genitalia.
6) Escorting Cersei Lannister to Alcoholics Anonymous.
7) Attending the Red Wedding.
8) Serving Olenna Tyrell the wrong kind of cheese.
9) Squeezing out a shadow assassin baby.
10) Going on a blind date with Ramsay Snow.
11) Scaling the Wall. Naked.
12) Doing bar trivia with know-nothing Jon Snow.
13) Going to Joffrey’s bachelor party.
14) Attending a poetry reading with Stannis Baratheon.
15) Getting a colonoscopy from Maester Qyburn.
16) Asking Joffrey about that rumor that his mom and his uncle…
17) Sitting down for a lovely home-cooked meal with the Thenns.
18) Watching even more nerdbro wish fulfillment scenes about how Podrick Payne’s a socially awkward 20-something man who’s totally a sex god, too, you guys!
19) Going for a camping trip on Skagos. (For the non-book-readers, that’s the island full of cannibals and killer unicorns. I swear, I did not make that up.)
20) Just downloading the damn thing already.
Ask Rebecca, associate editor at The Mary Sue, about her love for Stannis. She’s wearing a Stannis shirt now. No joke.