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Tuna is the Best of the Basic Sandwiches

By Kate Hudson | Food Porn | June 4, 2019 |

By Kate Hudson | Food Porn | June 4, 2019 |


Sit the f*ck down, Illuminati-backed turkey club industry. Your time in the spotlight ends now.

Yes, friends, today I take a stand. Or maybe I take a seat, because I don’t like to eat standing up—either way, I’m here to share the truth. The truth about tuna fish sandwiches.

First thing’s first, I am a damned traditionalist when it comes to sandwiches. I do not classify burgers as a sandwich. They are their own thing and not part of this conversation. I love a good banh mi, but who often has the fixings for one of those lying around, unless you are awesome. Then, in that case, invite me over for food. I am a good house guest. Please and thank you.

So when we talk about tuna fish sandwiches I’m talking about the type of sandwich you make when you have kind of given up on feeding yourself and need something quick and easy. The basic sandwich, if you will.

Some examples of basic sandwiches: turkey (boooooo. Turkey is like Jude Law in 2004: Everywhere, and no one really knows why); ham (solid, but…meh. Like Jude Law in 2001. Enemy at the Gates was pretty good, but A.I. was terrible); roast beef (exotic, like Jude Law…in 1999. Not ubiquitous, but good as a supporting player); and of course, peanut butter and jelly (workhorse sandwich, like Jude Law in Captain Marvel. Solid background player, who will do in a pinch. Not the star of the show, but comfortable and easy to make). Basically, if you can buy all the fixings at a random Target, somewhere in America, then you have the makings of a basic sandwich, friend.

Which brings me to the crux of the issue: tuna fish is delicious (It’s like Jude Law in The Young Pope. I can’t get enough of it.) You can dress it up in a myriad of ways: cheese? No cheese? Pickles? Hot? Cold? Rye? Baguette? You can go where your heart leads you with it and you won’t go wrong, as long as you don’t use sweet relish, which is disgusting in basically all instances, except for potato salad. If it’s good enough for Patti LaBelle, it’s good enough for us, but only in potato salad.

Sure, turkey is good, too. But it doesn’t have much flavor to it, does it? It really relies on what you put alongside it to make it pop.

Why, then, is it so ever-present in the sandwich zeitgeist?

Obviously, it’s the Illuminati. And obviously, I will have to go underground for a little bit until the turkey gangster syndicate heat dies down because the Illuminati doesn’t like it when you call attention to their nefarious goings on.

Good thing I can bring tuna fish with me, because it’s shelf stable, delicious, and nutritious. Just another reason why it is the linchpin of the best basic sandwich you can make.