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The Pumpkin Spice Season Scourge is Upon Us

By Kate Hudson | Food Porn | August 22, 2018 |

By Kate Hudson | Food Porn | August 22, 2018 |


Starbucks has announced to an unsuspecting public that the dreaded pumpkin spice latte will be unleashed August 28th. According to the Farmer’s Almanac, August 28th is one day after the ideal time to start weaning children or animals, and one day before the perfect time to cut hay; so clearly Starbucks has done their due diligence.

2002 was a simpler time for us. The Fast and the Furious wasn’t a franchise, Missy Elliott’s Work It was top of the charts, and we did not yet know what a “Pumpkin Spice Latte” was. 2003 changed everything. We got a sequel (2 Fast 2 Furious), Missy Elliott’s This is Not a Test! didn’t perform to expectations, and Starbucks introduced the PSL into our society. Now, 15 years later, there are approximately 50 movies in the Fast and Furious franchise, Missy Elliot has had a resurgence, and pumpkin spice has infiltrated all aspects of our lives. The Pumpkin Spice syndicate is not content to leave their domain to caffeinated beverages, and the good people at Food & Wine have put together a list of what fresh horrors 2018 will bring. They include:

Frosted Pumpkin Pie Pop Tarts

Pumpkin Spice Frosted Flakes Cereal

Pumpkin Spice Cheerios

Captain Morgan Jack-O-Blast

Three Lakes Pumpkin Wine

Undoubtedly as summer turns into fall, we’ll be subjected to even more pumpkin-flavored “food.”

Within a week the Pumpkin Spice Latte will be with us once more, ready to join the glut of pumpkin-flavored monstrosities already on the shelf. Ever helpful People wants to remind you that the OG of pumpkin spice that started it all “is now made with real pumpkin, and a spice mix of cinnamon, ginger, clove and nutmeg.” (emphasis mine) While they failed to mention what the Pumpkin Spice Latte was made with before real pumpkin, I think we can definitely agree it’s an ingredient we probably don’t care to know. Perhaps not uncoincidentally, the Farmers Almanac encourages the castration of animals Aug 23-25th. Makes you think.

Clearly, the glut of pumpkin spice adjacent food indicates at least some people are buying and even possibly enjoying these foods. I have yet to try a “pumpkin” flavored item that doesn’t have a chemically-sweet taste that only hints at what food should actually taste like. Let’s not forget that you can buy a real pumpkin pie without artificial pumpkin flavoring at the grocery store for less than $10, and eat it alone in the dark like god intended.

So for the 15th year in a row, I’ll be holding to my grand tradition of buying one Pumpkin Spice Latte (because maybe this year will be different) taking three sips, throwing the rest out, and feeling slightly ill for the rest of the day. How about you?

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Kate is a staff contributor. You can follow her on Twitter.

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