Sweet Potato Toast and Other Lies Perpetrated by Pinterest

By Courtney Enlow | Food Porn | November 29, 2016 |

By Courtney Enlow | Food Porn | November 29, 2016 |

I apologize for the “food porn” category. What’s the opposite of porn? This is more “food ways-to-kill-yourself.”

Since giving birth to my sweet precious angel baby small human creatures, I’ve struggled, as many do, to lose the weight that has affixed itself to my midsection like the world’s most useless fanny pack. I can’t even put my keys in there. That, along with a number of lifelong chronic maladies that I have determined are related to some manner of wheat or yeast issue, I’ve been making extra efforts to alter my eating habits.

Luckily, Pinterest exists. A delightful social media organization system that allows you to save and categorize your favorite recipes, wardrobe and home decor inspirations, and a funny picture of a fish with its arms out saying “EXCUSE ME, ROCKS.”

LOL IRL.

With the paleo diet craze in the “available at Walmart” stage of existence, it’s easier than ever to ride the wave of this trend.

Except, there’s something you should probably know. And that is that it’s FRAUGHT WITH GODDAMN LIES.

Let’s start with the recent smash, and by that I mean it smashes your dreams of just having toast, the humble sweet potato toast.

JK, it’s not humble, that’s not how any of this works.

from Paleo Paparazzi

Sweet potato toast is a way to have your avocado toast and eat it too without gluten or grains or the devilry of the sort. Allegedly, according to most websites (not the one I linked above, because they are clearly goodly people who want you to survive this venture) you simply slice a raw sweet potato (we’re already off to a terrible start because I am weak of arm and goddamn do I struggle with cutting raw squash things—this is why these people do CrossFit, isn’t it?) thick enough to hold the weight of whatever avocado/Nutella/fucking smoked salmon and creme fraiche with microgreens (other people have fancier breakfasts than I have time for) and stick the slices in the toaster, “for three or four rounds” according to a few helpful sites (others seem to think you can do this in one go, most leave it up for you to find out on your own like a terrible surprise).

Six rounds. That’s what it took me before the smell of burning sweet potato and broken toaster made me have to stop and it was still raw.

It was fine. I mean, it’s not fine. I literally broke my toaster. But it was not toast. And that is fine. But why must we LIE? TO OURSELVES AND OTHERS?

Seen here: not toast.

Of course this is only the tip of the iceberg as far as the lies we tell ourselves to force enjoyment of a diet. How about the coconut? Did you know that you can make anything out of a coconut? Coconut cream for frosting. Coconut oil for your baby’s terrible eczema. COCONUT WATER ON YOUR HUNGRY TEARS TO TURN THEM INTO HAPPY TEARS.

Don’t put coconut oil on your baby’s terrible eczema, by the way. It doesn’t do dick for shit. That’s why they make actual lotions and medicines. Calm down, Jill Stein.

Want cheesecake? You could have cheesecake. IF YOU WANT TO BE DISGUSTING AND HAVE TOXINS. What toxins? ALL OF THEM. ALL THE TOXINS. Instead, eat an avocado on a “crust” made of dates and tragedy. THERE. DOESN’T THAT FILL THE HOLE INSIDE YOU?

It didn’t, guys. IT DIDN’T FILL THE HOLE INSIDE ME.

But it’s OK. I’m not the kind of dieter that does well tricking myself. If I give myself a shitty fake inch, all I want is a mile of actual delicious cheesecake. So I’ll just eat my healthy food and work out. Luckily, Pinterest has my back there, too.

HEY FUCK YOU, PINTEREST.