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Mustard Doesn't Belong on Pizza

By Kate Hudson | Food Porn | September 10, 2018 |

By Kate Hudson | Food Porn | September 10, 2018 |


Reason #11223423 why we can’t have nice things. Last week Insider Food decided to ruin our lives, or in the very least September, by sharing a video of how mustard pizza is made.

The abomination is created by Lions and Tigers and Squares in NYC, and while I’m not totally sure who this “pizza” is for, it’s not for me. In fact, I would very much like to reclassify this thing as an open-faced sandwich so as not to besmirch the good name as pizza. Mustard doesn’t belong on pizza.

I am a traditionalist when it comes to food, and while I do enjoy a good slice of New Haven-style pizza from time to time, the existence of this thing has caused me some existential angst. If I play pizza god and declare whatever this is to not be pizza, it would force me to do deep soul searching to decide just what a pizza is. If we require a pizza to have tomato sauce and cheese, does that not negate the existence of a pesto-base pizza, or the aforementioned New Haven-style pizza? If it’s the cheese that makes the pizza, then, in theory, the mustard abomination counts, and that’s something I cannot abide.

Perhaps we’ll have to fall back on the old “I know it when I see it” and put faith in humanity that people are smart enough to know that mustard on pizza is a terrible, terrible idea.

Look, there are many surprisingly delightful condiments to put on top of pizza— I for one have been known to enjoy siracha or ranch dressing from time to time; but condiments should never, under any circumstances, be the base of a pizza. I hope this is something we can all agree on.

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Kate is a staff contributor. You can follow her on Twitter.

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