In Defense of Candy Corn

By Rebecca Pahle | Food Porn | October 12, 2016 |

This will by no means be a popular opinion, but I recently learned that there are people in the world who don’t like pickles, so frankly I am done with people and their bullshit thoughts about food. I put up with a lot from the world, but I am done putting up with this.

Sorry, one second.

*consults notes*

*sees “get tipsy and write this later. it will be the lord’s gospel truth.”*

Be right back.

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OK. Every year, around this time, I see people besmirch the legacy of candy corn. I am tired of being silent. I am tired of the inaccuracy and the hate. I am tired of people saying “candy corn is the worst Halloween candy” like you don’t know full damn well that Mary Janes and Necco wafers exist.

“Candy corn is the worst, it’s like you’re eating tiny wax dicks and they only taste like sugar.”

Yeah???? So??????????

What’s wrong with “you’re just eating sugar,” you assholes? It’s candy. I bet you like butter-free, gluten-free, joy-free movie theatre popcorn, too. (“It’s organic and dusted with sea salt and fairy farts”—fuck you, it tastes like styrofoam is what it is!!!!!!) Just because the world has it out for us all—and it does, I didn’t watch the second Presidential debate and I don’t write about politics here but I have a vague idea of The News—is no reason for you to hate yourself.

Candy that masquerades as health food is dumb. It’s candy. Peanuts are not candy. Peanuts do not belong in candy. Peanuts belong in trail mix. They are healthy and I don’t want them anywhere near me, not any time, any place, but especially not in the Halloweentime.

Candy corn is disgusting and magical and it never ever lies. Unlike some people. Dave*. I would eat my weight in candy corn. I don’t care. Ship my corpse off to Saturn in a dildo-shaped coffin. I’m ready to go.

I see you on the “tiny wax dicks” part, though. But candy corn is not culpable here. You’re not, either. You don’t know any better, but I’m about to educate you. Walk into any drug store, and the brand of candy corn you’re most likely to see is Brach’s. By all means, eat Brach’s if you want to feel like you just deepthroated your way through a Yankee Candle Company. But if you want the delicious (yes goddamnit, I said delicious) flavor of candy corn without the waxy aftertaste, you have to go Jelly Belly. I’ve been to the Jelly Belly factory in Fairfield, CA. Twice. I know what the fuck I’m talking about. I had a tea party with the spectral presence of Ronald Reagan, and he said some of his policies were a little fucked up but he had his candy preferences on lockdown. Also, Donald Trump can fuck himself with a cactus.

I’m not done yet.

I still have some rum left.

I will eat candy corn until I die. Which I will, of diabetes, because candy corn is bad for you and that’s what makes it oh so good. Anyone who comes up in these comments with falsehoods is going to suffer.