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Fried Chicken Is The New Bread, Because Darkest Timeline

By Kristy Puchko | Food Porn | February 15, 2017 |

By Kristy Puchko | Food Porn | February 15, 2017 |

Carbs. For many, they are our kryptonite. Or worse. Kryptonite doesn’t call to Superman whenever he’s hungry or bored, and be like, “Yo. You know you want me inside you.”

Carbs are worse than kryptonite, which is now worse than ever because for 3 Doors Down having less dignity than a Bruce Springsteen cover band. But rejoice! For fast food restaurants have come to rescue you from the bready wonders of carbs, with the help of fried chicken.

Naturally, KFC began this. Playing God, they swapped the bread that’s become standard on sandwiches for just slabs of fried chicken with their KFC Double Down.


Introduced in 2009, the dubious sandwich boasted “bacon, two different kinds of melted cheese, the Colonel’s secret sauce… pinched in between two pieces of Original Recipe chicken fillets.” And despite sales being a disappointment, KFC doubled down with the Double Down Dawg, which was just fried chicken wrapped around a hot dog, slapped with cheese sauce.


That bit of grease and meat was only available in the Philippines, but this Youtube vid shows you how to make your own. You know, in case you hate your insides and want to punish them.

And now KFC has tried to ditch the dough once more. Behold: the KFC Chizza.

This affront to nutrition and decency was also unleashed on the Philippines first. And now, it has spread to Singapore, with some food bloggers speculating America could be next.

In the meantime, Taco Bell won’t let KFC dominate the Stateside friend chicken chicanery. Meet the Naked Chicken Chalupa, which sounds much nicer than Chicken Shell Taco.


What’s next? Fried chicken replacing lettuce? Somewhere a KFC engineer’s ears are burning.

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Kristy Puchko is the managing editor of Pajiba. You can follow her on Twitter.