Following yesterday’s news that Danny Boyle has quit Bond 25 due to “creative differences”, the Overlords got together to decide who should take over, and how a new director would influence the franchise. Obviously, we took this very seriously indeed. So many possibilities! Just imagine a Snyder grimdark Bond, with slow-mo blood splatters, or a Branagh Bond aiming for high Shakespearean drama! Rian Johnson’s Bond getting slapped in the face by Moneypenny!
Oh, how we imagined. And if Barbara Broccoli is reading this, call us! We have so many ideas…
Hannah: Sam Taylor-Johnson Bond. She finally gets to use those sexy jellyfish ideas from 50 Shades, in the opening credits montage.
Genevieve: Guy Ritchie Bond. THINK ABOUT IT.
Tori: Werner Herzog does Bond. Spoiler alert: Bond dies.
Dustin: Christopher Nolan does Bond. Spoiler alert: Moneypenny dies.
Tori: Edgar Wright does Bond. Spoiler alert: Q dies, then returns as an alien zombie.
Roxana: Terrence Malick does Bond. Spoiler alert: Lots of beautiful lighting and far-off gazes and half the cast doesn’t die, really, but was never in the movie to begin with.
Tori: Ava DuVernay does Bond. Spoiler alert: Fan bros go into complete meltdown because how DARE she?
Jodi: Kevin Smith does Bond: Dick jokes and f-bombs abound.
Roxana: Nicolas Winding Refn does Bond. Everything is neon and bloody, and introducing Ryan Gosling as James Bond!
Jodi: David Fincher does Bond. It’s goddamned beautiful, four hours long and moody as a motherfucker.
Dustin: Michelle Maclaren does Bond. Everyone fucking loves it, it makes more money than any Bond before it, scores 100% on Rotten Tomatoes, and she’s fired before she can make another one.
Roxana: Denis Villeneuve does Bond. Bond is a modern sci-fi now!
Jodi: Taika Waititi does Bond. IT IS GLORIOUS.
Tori: Taika casts himself as a briefcase bomb. A charmingly doofy briefcase bomb.
Roxana: Guillermo del Toro does Bond. Bond fights ghosts!
Tori: And Bond finally fucks a mermaid!
Jodi: Peter Jackson does Bond. Octopussy Part I, Octopussy II: Return of the Queen, Octopussy III: A Grand Adventure.
Roxana: Christopher Nolan does Bond. Tom Hardy is Bond, with yet another unintelligible accent!
Dustin: Paul Greengrass does Bond, but nobody knows whether Bond lives or dies because no-one knows what the hell is going on because that motherfucker cannot keep the camera still.
Roxana: Wes Anderson does Bond. Bond is twee now! And neurotic! And played by Jason Schwartzman!
Hannah: Woody Allen does… NO, TOO FAR.
Roxana: Jeremy Saulnier does Bond. It’s a fucking bloodbath!
Jodi: Steven Spielberg does Bond. Fridging, aliens and Shia LaBeouf.
Roxana: Sofia Coppola does Bond. Ennui! And also Jason Schwartzman!
Hannah: Michael Bay does Bond. Spoiler alert: There’s a BIG TWIST with the car…
Seth: Michael Bay does Bond. ALL THE EXPLOSIONS.
Roxana: Peter Berg does Bond. It sucks!
Hannah: M Night Shyamalan does Bond. It was all a dream.
Jodi: M Night Shyamalan does Bond. It turns out Shyamalan’s character was the most important and the agency was actually just in a wildlife preserve.
Dustin: Ron Howard does Bond. It’s fine. I guess.
Kayleigh: Ron Howard does Bond and I once again end up being the only person who loves it.
Jodi: JJ Abrams does Bond. SECRET CLOVERFIELD MOVIE!
Seth: Terry Gilliam does Bond. Three actors cast as Bond, each die halfway through production and the film is sold off five times as part of bankruptcy proceedings.
Hannah: The Russo brothers do Bond. It’s a massive crossover project with ALL THE BONDS.
Seth: James Cameron does Bond. He casts Sam Worthinzzzzzzzzz
Tori: Neveldine & Taylor direct Bond, cast Jason Statham, Pajiba expires in a sigh of glory.
Seth: Paul Thomas Anderson does Bond. Nobody likes it but folks lie and say they do anyway.
Roxana: SO HARSH, but now I am imagining DDL as a Bond villain and that would honestly be amazing.
Jodi: Zack Snyder does Bond. The screen is so dark that you can’t see anything that’s happening, and also Bond’s mom is named Martha.
Roxana: Christopher McQuarrie does Bond and Henry Cavill’s mustache is STILL AN INTERNET BREAKING SEXUAL FETISH.
Seth: Lynn Shelton does Bond. There’s no action, but the lighting is wonderful and the conversation top-notch.
Petr: The Coen brothers do Bond. Bond is George Clooney’s character from Burn After Reading. Frances McDormand is Q.
Seth: Antoine Fuqua does Bond. Washington. Denzel Washington.
Hannah: Remember when Dench’s M called Bond a dinosaur? Hmmmm, who’s good at dinosaurs, misogyny and failing upwards….
Kristy: DON’T YOU BRING THAT EVIL ON US!
Who’s your pick for Bond 25?
Header Image Source: Getty Images