Back in July, when summer was in full swing and the air was laden with the sweet scent of jasmine and new love, we (yes, the royal we) took stock of burgeoning celebrity romances, and placed odds of them making it to fall. Well, Starbucks has already started selling Pumpkin Spice Lattes so there’s no turning back. Summer is over, but are those relationships that held so much promise, over as well? Not by a long shot, as it turns out. Couples were ranked on a 10 point scale, 10 being Endless Love and 0 being Hotline Bling.
We first looked at the tender sprout of love that grew into The Prattenegger (That’s Worst Chris and Katherine Schwarzenegger). I predicted:
I predict they’ll be Instagram official by Thanksgiving. 8/10 partially deflated beach balls.
Where are they now? Chris and Katherine are still an item. Why just last night the two had a romantic dinner together in Santa Monica. Katherine was wearing a sweatshirt that read “spiritual gangster” which, ok, and Chris wore a deep V and baggy shorts. So they’re keeping it casual, although Katherine has met Chris’ son when they all went out for ice cream after church in July. Radar Online says the couple has taken a vow of abstinence, which sounds like speculation but is also very believable.
Verdict: Love Story by Taylor Swift.
Next up was Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande. I predicted:
It’s too much too soon. Yet… yet… I can’t help but think these two crazy kids just might make it! To October 9th. 4/10 broken flip-flops.
Where are they now? Ariana has had a big summer (and Pete supposedly has a big summer sausage)! She just released a well-received album titled “Sweetener” that has a track on it called “pete davidson”. She performed at the VMA’s while Pete adoringly looked on, and rumor has it they might actually be secretly married already. Their relationship doesn’t seem to be slowing down. Unfathomably, it may still be heating up. That means the romance is either going to shatter like an untempered beaker full of piping hot acid, or it’s going to be forged in fire and strengthen like some Game of Thrones Dragonglass shit.
Verdict: Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne
Let us turn our attention to Dancing With The Stars champ Adam Rippon and his vowel champ boyfriend Jussi-Pekka Kajaala. I predicted:
Jussi may have to fight to keep Adam’s attention. He may want to consider bringing Adam to his homeland for some pony trekking, or camping, or just watching TV; if he wants to keep Adam’s head turned. 5/10 tablespoons of crotch sand.
Sidebar: I had to dig deep with a Monty Python reference for that one. What can I say, it’s hard to make jokes about the Finns. They generally have their shit together.
Where are they now? Adam and Jussi are still together and enjoying the good life. People says that even though they live on different continents, they are making it work. And Jussi wants to move to the U.S., so they’re trying to make that happen soon. It must be love if Jussi’s willing to move to this shithole country.
Verdict: Looking Through The Eyes Of Love: Theme From Ice Castles by Melissa Manchester
Up next, Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas. My prediction:
This pairing lasts as long as the paparazzi still care. 9/10 dropped ice cream cones.
Where are they now?
So yeah, these two lovebirds sure signed their contracts with a quickness. The globetrotting duo got engaged over the summer, and according to Us Weekly, just today, “jetted off on a tropical getaway” to celebrate. And two weeks ago, their families got together in India. They also report that Priyanka “wants an Indian wedding” and that Nick is “super supportive of her and he’s thrilled”.
I think this hedge emblazoned with a giant golden “NP” really says it all.
Verdict: Paparazzi by Lady Gaga
Last, but never least, we have Janelle Monáe and Tessa Thompson. My prediction:
We should all be so lucky in friendship, or in love. 10/10 competing tan lines.
Where are they now? In a recent interview with The Cut, Tessa broke it down.
“The truth is Janelle and I are both in a space where we’re trying to push boundaries in terms of the idea of what space a woman of color can occupy,” Thompson says, explaining they both “believe fiercely that people should be free to love who they love,” but are not interested in “super-binary conversations” about “identity or sexuality.”
So there you have it. Also, have you seen this mouthwatering space Janelle is currently luxuriating in?
Shiiiiiiiiit. Verdict: I Wanna Be Your Lover by Prince
So there you have it! Against all odds, every couple made it! Perhaps we’ll revisit them after the holidays have taken their toll.
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