'Twilight' is the Greatest Film Series in History. Suck, it Scorsese!

By Kate Hudson | Film | October 17, 2019 |

By Kate Hudson | Film | October 17, 2019 |

Twilight is the f*cking best. Your eyes do not deceive you, friends. Today is not opposite day, today is truth day. It’s time we (OK, me, I’m not sure anyone else at Pajiba really wants to throw their hat into this ring) acknowledge what we’ve known in our hearts this entire time: Twilight is better than Star Wars. It’s better than The Avengers. It’s better than The Godfather, and it’s better than anything Martin Scorsese has ever made. You can debate this fact, but you’d be wrong.

Rather than run down all the ways Twilight is better than a specific movie (although believe me, I could absolutely turn that into a series of posts, and I just might) I think we need to discuss it based on its own merits because when you lead the pack, you set the tone for everything that comes after you in terms of quality.

It Has Vampires.

It is my opinion, and thus it is a fact, that vampires are the best of all movie monsters. I’ve already covered how werewolves are dumb, and ghosts are not monsters they are something else. So, since there are only three types of movie monsters (sorry Mothman, you’re DQ-ed, here) once you’ve ruled the other two out, vampires are by nature the best since they are also the only ones left standing. That’s just math.

Also, they drink blood, live forever, and have an eternal longing for daylight that they can never see again. That’s kind of cool. 👍

It Has Vampires Who Play Baseball in the Rain.

They play baseball in the rain. This doesn’t need to be explained, just reiterated once more so that you grasp how awesome that is.

It Has Vampires Who Play Baseball in the Rain but Who Also Have A Vampire Cult After Them.

I often think to myself when I watch movies “man, this movie would be better if it had vampires.” When it fortuitously does turn out to have vampires, I think to myself “man, this movie would be better if it had a weird, freaky vampire cult that ate humans and bossed other vampires around!” Well, guess what? The Twilight saga has that in spades, friends!

Oh, did I fail to mention that Martin Michael Sheen is there also? You’re welcome for that happy surprise if it was news to you.

It Has Vampires Who Play Baseball in the Rain but Who Also Have A Vampire Cult After Them With Whom They Fight A Lot.

The only thing better than a vampire cult is a vampire cult who f*cks fights. (These vamps do both, though!)

That is probably one of my favorite scenes in the entire movie (It’s from Breaking Dawn Pt.2, the third-best entry in the series.) Why do I love it? I don’t know, what’s not to love about a mopey emo cult vampire getting torn in half and him being happy about it? That’s high-grade entertainment right there! The only thing better would be if it were set to “Yakity Sax.”

Now we could get into his backstory about all of this but that’s for you to discover. Just know that Twilight is Mormon sex-and-marriage-propaganda wrapped up in a vampire shell with an emotionally abusive relationship at its core going into it, and you’ll be able to enjoy it for what it is just fine. No one ever picks apart the toxic relationships in movies geared toward people who aren’t teenage girls. Why do we have to get so up in arms about the ones that are made for them when so few are?! Just let them (and me!) enjoy things without worrying if they’re smart enough to understand a fictional relationship isn’t that healthy. They are.

It Has Vampires Who Play Baseball in the Rain but Who Also Have A Vampire Cult After Them With Whom They Fight A Lot and Did I Mention the Teenage Werewolf Falling in Love With a Half-Vampire Baby?

There is nothing better in this series then when Jacob the werewolf boy decides to fall in love with Bella and Edward’s infant half-vampire daughter named Renesmee to handily tie up the love triangle they had for the past four movies. This is treated as something totally natural. (I mean, it should go without saying, but I am obviously Team Edward for life.)

Only Bella is upset for a little bit but she soon gets over it because you do that when the teenage boy who doggedly pursued you and who is also a werewolf falls in love with your infant daughter while you were passed out from being turned into a vampire that your husband had to deliver via cesarean with his teeth. Oh, I forgot to mention that last part. Sorry!

It Has Vampires Who Play Baseball in the Rain but Who Also Have A Vampire Cult After Them With Whom They Fight A Lot and Did I Mention the Teenage Werewolf Falling in Love With a Half-Vampire Baby Who Was Originally Meant to Be a Robot?

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This needs no explanation. Ever, just be grateful it exists in some form.

I could go on and on expanding upon why these movies are so great, but I will save that for another time. I think the point is made enough so that my original assertion that Twilight are the best movies of all time and Martin Scorsese can suck it has been proved beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Until next time friends, when we compare Twilight to Joker (and why Twilight is better), I’ll leave you with this: TEAM EDWARD!!!!!

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