There’s something for everyone in this week’s round up, assuming “everyone” loves period pieces, hair, awkward teens, aliens, magic animals, and gummy bears. WHO DOESN’T, AMIRITE?
Mary Queen of Scots — In theaters sometime in December?
QUEEN FIGHT! Saoirse Ronan and Margot Robbie star as Mary Stuart and Elizabeth I, respectively. Also I definitely heard David Tennant’s voice in there, which makes sense because the director, Josie Rourke, typically directs stage productions — including that time Tennant did “Much Ado About Nothing” with Doctor Donna… er, Catherine Tate. Anyway — point is, the hair in this movie looks incredible.
Colette — In theaters September 21
Kiera Knightley is just made for period pieces. Of course, “Dude takes full credit for a woman’s work” is maybe not so dated a premise, after all… And speaking of incredible hair, whatever is growing on Dominic West’s face is fucking FASCINATING.
Life Itself — In theaters September 21
Oh, fuck you, Dan Fogelman. You think just because you make everybody fucking cry each week with This Is Us, you can just recycle that whole tear-jerking, multigenerational family story thing again, only with Olivia Wilde and Oscar fucking Isaac and we’ll fall for it? FUCK YOU I’VE ALREADY FALLEN FOR IT. YOU HAD ME AT OSCAR ISAAC! PLEASE DON’T KILL HIM WITH A CROCK-POT OR WHATEVER!
A Simple Favor — In theaters September 14
We’ve shared teasers before, but this is the first serious look at the plot. I’m down with the whole “Paul Feig does Big Little Lies” vibe, though I continue to think that this movie might just be a super accurate look at what Blake Lively’s everyday life is like. Never having read the book, I’m left wondering whether Anna Kendrick’s “mommy vlogger” character is going to turn out to be an EVIL “mommy vlogger”… mostly so I can keep thinking about the phrase “mommy vlogger.”
Extinction — Streaming on Netflix starting July 27
So wait, lemme get this straight: this movie stars Michael “Best Part Of Ant-Man” Peña, Lizzy “Supposedly Starring In Gambit” Caplan and Mike “Literally Luke Cage” Colter. It’s on Netflix. It’s about a dude who has visions of an impending space invasion. But it somehow ISN’T a Marvel Avengers Infinity Fist tie-in? That seems unlikely.
Sierra Burgess Is A Loser — Streaming on Netflix starting September 7
JUSTICE FOR BARB! Sadly, it doesn’t seem like Netflix is cutting poor Shannon Purser any slack, but at least she’s the lead this time! And she probably won’t die horribly via demogorgon. PROBABLY.
Wonder Park — In theaters March 2019
A kid brings an abandoned, magical amusement park filled with talking animals back to life? Fine. But there are two things I don’t buy about this scenario. 1) Why let other people in? The ultimate amusement park fantasy is getting to enjoy it by yourself! And 2) It’s been proven that abandoned amusement parks are landscapes of terror. This premise is better for a horror flick than a kid’s movie, bears and all.
Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween — In theaters in time for Halloween, duh!
A hidden, unpublished R.L. Stine book and an evil talking dummy makes some kids miserable. Also I think garden gnomes and gummy bears are supposed to be evil? But that seems pretty “Goosebumps”-y, I suppose. “Oh, this normal thing? IT’S EVIL ACTUALLY” (sells a billion copies).
And finally, I’m adding this at the end because fuck it — it’s Friday and this just makes me really happy. THIS IS FRIENDSHIP, Y’ALL!