There are a lot of trailers to get through today, but I’m going to rip the bandaid off the painful one first. Yes, there’s a new trailer for Tim Burton’s live-action Dumbo. And just like I flat-out refuse to watch the movie when it hits theaters (on March 29, 2019), I refused to watch this promo. It was all I could do to flip through it enough to pull that screen shot you see above, and even then I landed on Sad Clown Dumbo just to twist the knife in even harder! Clearly I’m just not strong enough to handle this film. I’m still licking the psychological wounds that the original cartoon inflicted on kid-me way back when, and the world is garbage, and I don’t have to make myself hurt any more than I already do. So my apologies to Colin Farrell, Danny DeVito, Michael Keaton, and especially to the always lovely Eva Green, but I will not be watching your movie. You did this to yourselves.
If you, unlike me, were brave enough to watch that thing, then here’s your palate cleanser:
POKÉMON Detective Pikachu — In theaters May 10, 2019
Proving Ryan Reynolds can sell basically anything, here he is voicing a lightning-butted little critter who isn’t supposed to say anything other than “Pika Pika!” On paper, this movie shouldn’t work. And yet, judging by the cast (which includes Justice Smith, Ken Watanabe, and Bill Nighy), the filmmakers (the film was directed by Goosebumps’s Rob Letterman, based on a script he co-wrote with Guardians of the Galaxy’s Nicole Perlman), and this trailer… well, I think I’ve found the next kid’s flick I’m gonna inappropriate drink during!
Dumplin’ — Coming to Netflix and select theaters December 7
Is this Netflix’s way of making up for Insatiable? I don’t know, but if they want to give me a feel-good story, directed by Anne Fletcher (The Proposal, Hot Pursuit), about some plus-sized beauty contestants trying to disrupt the system and learning how to work a stage from drag queens, with Jennifer Aniston and original music by Dolly Parton, I WON’T TURN THEM DOWN.
Everybody Knows — In theaters February 2019
Written and directed by Asghar Farhadi (A Separation), the film stars real-life couple Javier Bardem and Penélope Cruz as former flames who reunite when Laura (Cruz) returns to her hometown for her sister’s wedding. But the celebration is interrupted when Laura’s teenage daughter is abducted, sending the community into an uproar and dragging some secrets out into the open. I dunno what kinds of secrets, but based on this trailer, I’m guessing they’re pretty intense!
Alita: Battle Angel — In theaters February 14, 2019
This film has been gestating for what feels like forever at this point, but I have to admit: this latest trailer has me kinda stoked. It shows off a bit more of the action, which looks inventive and exciting (that 2-bottle kick!). Also, the more I see of the supporting cast, the more I realize that I’m going to watch this no matter what. Purple-eyed Mahershala Ali? Yes, please!
Crow: The Legend — Available November 15 on YouTube and Oculus VR… FOR FREE!
A Native American legend gets the Hollywood treatment with this animated short, featuring the voices of John Legend, Oprah Winfrey, Constance Wu, Tye Sheridan, and Diego Luna.
Wonder Park — In theaters March 15, 2019
I could tell you what this movie is about (a girl’s imaginary amusement park comes to life, needs to be saved, etc. etc.), but look: John Oliver voices a porcupine that has some rather salacious thoughts about a warthog, and that’s really all I needed to know about it.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Gauntlet — Coming to Netflix November 22
The second season of this movie-mocking reboot may only be six episodes, but that’s because this time around, Kinga is making Jonah and the bots sit through a back-to-back BAD MOVIE MARATHON. And from the looks of things, they’re starting with the ET ripoff, Mac And Me — which you may recognize as the film Paul Rudd has been punking Conan O’Brien with for years:
Header Image Source: Walt Disney Studios