Have you been following our Best Movies of 2019 coverage? Um, you should. We’ve talked about our 15 favorite art-house offerings, our favorite festival films, the best comfort movies, and, later today, we’ll cover our Best of the Best. But before then, let’s get gritty. Let’s get real. Let’s talk about the horniest moments and scenes in 2019 movies!
This list is quick and dirty, because that is the theme here. Feel free to get hot and bothered; that is also the theme here.
So, in no particular order, let’s do this thing.
AND YES, THERE’S SOME NSFW STUFF HERE. AND SOME SPOILERS FOR 2019 RELEASES. BE AWARE.
JENNIFER LOPEZ, “CRIMINAL,” HUSTLERS
Oh, to be that pole.
BRAD PITT, TAKING OFF HIS SHIRT, ONCE UPON A TIME … IN HOLLYWOOD
Oh, to be that shirt.
LIAM HEMSWORTH, IN THE SHOWER, ISN’T IT ROMANTIC
I finally get the appeal of Liam Hesmworth now!
GARRETT HEDLUND, BURNING THE MONEY, TRIPLE FRONTIER
Because realizing that the money is meaningless and American imperialism is bad is actually very attractive!
WINSTON DUKE, THAT BED, US
Look, Winston Duke is too damn big for that bed, okay? Have you seen his thighs? THEY WILL NOT BE CONTAINED.
ISLA FISHER, FOR SOME REASON LOVING MOONDOG, THE BEACH BUM
I don’t fully get why, but the love Isla Fisher’s Minnie has for Matthew McConaughey’s Moondog in The Beach Bum is almost staggeringly pure. She’s horny for that guy all the time, and I don’t understand it, but I must acknowledge it.
THE FUCK BOX, HIGH LIFE
Nothing else to say here. “The fuck box” is pretty self-explanatory. A24 didn’t make a gif of this available because they are monsters!
JUSTIN HARTLEY, EXISTING, LITTLE
There is no reason why former Passions star Justin Hartley is in Little, except for the fact that his hot teacher is gawked at. That’s it! The female gaze in action, y’all!
THE POOL PARTY, BOOKSMART
There are so many hormones flying around in this third act of the film, and so much thirst, and although neither Beanie Feldstein’s Molly nor Kaitlyn Dever’s Amy end up kissing the people they lusted for, the scene still works.
Also, shout out to Billie Lourd, Booksmart MVP.
EVERYTHING KEANU DOES, ALWAYS BE MY MAYBE
Did you guys know Keanu fucks? Because he does. Oh, to be Ali Wong when he whispers in her ear.
SPEEDOS AND HAIRY CHESTS, RED SEA DIVING RESORT
A movie with very, very bad politics but very, very hot guys? In their full hairy glory? OKAY. LET’S DO THIS. (Um, here’s a Tumblr link, if you’re interested in more.)
ORGASMS AS SPACE TRAVEL, LUCY IN THE SKY
This movie was not very good but it does equate the oral sex orgasms Jon Hamm’s character bestows upon Natalie Portman’s titular Lucy as so spiritually fulfilling that they make her imagine she’s back in space, so, good work, Don Draper!
CTHULHU-LIKE SUPERNATURAL SHIT, THE LIGHTHOUSE
So much to choose from here! Is it the time Willam Dafoe’s Thomas Wake might be having sex with a Cthulhu-like tentacle creature while Robert Pattinson’s Thomas Howard spies on him? Or how about when Howard comes across a beached mermaid and tries to have sex with her? Or how about when the two lighthouse keepers get so drunk that they slow dance and almost kiss? I can’t think of a more polite way to put this: The Lighthouse is practically soaked in jizz.
HOWIE HIDING IN THE CLOSET TO SURPRISE JULIA, UNCUT GEMS
No one on my damn Twitter feed will stop talking about Julia Fox’s ass in Uncut Gems. Will this be what unites the Democratic Party in 2020?
PLEASE pic.twitter.com/RwVhPm3Io6— oscar isaac’s whore (@aImostfamus) January 8, 2020
KRISTEN STEWART’S WHOLE VIBE, CHARLIE’S ANGELS
It’s a bummer that Charlie’s Angels, a movie in which Kristen Stewart seems the most herself, did so poorly at the box office, but I’ll watch this thing any time it comes on TV for its very gentle horniness: How Stewart’s Sabina openly checks out the girl at the gym, or how frankly Chris Pang’s Jonny Smith longs for the mysterious Sabina, or even how Sabina gently ribs Ella Balinska’s Jane and Noah Centineo’s Langston for being into each other. Stewart brings goofy sensuality to the role, and I enjoyed it!
Share in the comments your picks for this year’s horniest movies, but I swear to you, if anyone brings up Cats, I’M OUT.
Image sources (in order of posting): Epk.tv/STXfilms, Netflix/Triple Frontier, Netflix/The Red Sea Diving Resort