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The God-Damn Gold Standard of Psychotic Sh*t-Kicking

By Brian Prisco | Film | December 16, 2010 |

By Brian Prisco | Film | December 16, 2010 |

It’s gonna be a pretty savage competition for this year’s Oscars, and pretty much everyone is well deserving of a nomination, so why bother picking who deserves it by talent? Instead, as I love so much to do, I’ve decided to figure out who would win if the Oscars were based on gladiatorial combat. Because that’s how most contests should be decided. By Spartacus levels of nudity and violence in monster truck arena presided over by wild-bearded Joaquin Phoenix.

See also: Best Actor, Best Actress, and Best Supporting Actor Competitions

Helena Bonham Carter, The King’s Speech
Barbara Hershey, Black Swan
Melissa Leo, The Fighter
Hailee Steinfeld, True Grit
Jacki Weaver, Animal Kingdom
Milla Jovovich, Stone
Loretta Devine, For Colored Girls
Mila Kunis, Black Swan

This one’s gonna be like a chess match in an insane asylum. There’s a delightful amount of crazy up in this battle as well. Hailee Steinfeld should have stayed in the Best Leading Actress kid’s table, because despite an almost Vulcan like focus and a firm and stoic presence, she’s simply out of her league against these ladies. I see her lasting approximately five minutes beyond Mila Kunis, who’s devious and seductive, but neither of those will help her against the overwhelming maniacs she faces. Loretta Devine is the next to drop, but she’s taking a couple of these ladies down a peg or twelve before she leaves. Devine doesn’t take shit, and she’s a fucking scrapper, but she’s facing down women who are simply and clearly insane.

Melissa Leo and Barbara Hershey are going to war, that’s a given. You’d expect it to be a hair-pulling, nail-scratching affair, but the only time hair’s getting grabbed is when a fistful is snatched to get better leverage for full-on facepunching. Hershey is insane in Black Swan, but I see Leo taking her out simply by virtue of her fighter’s nature. That’s nothing to do with The Fighter, that’s simply that Leo been in the trenches so long she doesn’t know how to hear bells ending the round. She stops punching when the other gal stops breathing, which is what’s going to happen to Hershey.

Helena Bonham Carter and Milla Jovovich have been waiting for this showdown for ages. This is the god-damn gold standard of psychotic shit-kicking. I see them picking up a vast array of sharp pointy things and simply bloodying the Christ out of one another. Jovovich is the better fighter, but Carter makes up for it in sheer batshit insanity. However, Jovovich is no slouch to the nutjobbery. I see Jovovich finishing Carter in particularly bloodthirsty fashion. She won’t just kill her, she respects her enemies, and I see her giving her a true spectacular ending. Probably jamming two swords into her face and then splitting them down and out her sides, carving her up like a cruise-ship fruit sculpture.

Jovovich and Leo will turn and circle each other. Leo’s going to be on the defensive, wary of Jovovich’s superior weapon play. And just as Jovovich raises her weapon to strike, that’s when the first crossbow bolt takes her in the side of the neck. Two more pierce her eyes and she falls. Did you forget about Jacki Weaver? So did everyone else. That’s her magic. She stays out of the fight, choosing her battles wisely. She’s like Judi Dench with a grudge, and she’s clearly too smart to get into hand-to-hand combat. Leo doesn’t even try to run, she knows better. She gives a little wry smile, and Weaver puts two bolts in her chest, to emerge the victor.

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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