[Transcriber’s Note: The full version of this came in at almost 7,500 hundred words. You can read it over at bookreportbets.com if you so choose. Here I present an appropriately pared down version that’s still far too long.]
Ok, here’s the deal. It is Sunday night. It’s a little after 9. I’ve had a couple margaritas. I’m actually recording this via audio. I have a Book Report Bet that I need to live up to for a movie called Mac and Me. I have seen it before. So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to keep drinking. I’m gonna get reaaaal drunk. Then I’m gonna watch the movie and I’m gonna come back and do an audio recording of my book repot bet while I watch, a kinda live blog/live book report bet/live drunk for the movie.
Ok, I’m back. It’s … like 11ish. And I had two stiff glasses of bourbon. And a beer. And now I’m drinking another beer. And some more bourbon. And with that, I’m now pushing play.
No. Not yet. One more thing. So. Mac and Me is not available on any legal platform. For free. For rental. Or for purchase. So, eventually, I managed to dig up a super illegal YouTube upload of it. I don’t know how it’s still living on YouTube I figure eventually it’ll be taken down, that said, it’s been up for … uh, October to November, December, January, four months … four months to the day. It has 8,839 views which is 8,839 too many views. Guys, this movie is so bad.
Ok, now I’m pushing play. While it’s playing, I should note that this movie is, McDonalds saw ET and said “we fucking love this and we want something like this and we wanna market something like this” and that’s why the fucking alien is called Mac. Cause it’s McDonalds.
Oh man, this movie starts on the alien planet. I don’t remember that. God these aliens are so fucking stupid lookin’. Holy shit. Man, even for me - and people reading this may know me - man, I gotta apologize even for me, there’s gonna be a lot of swearing in this thing. Like, all the fucks.
So there’s an lander thing that’s landed on the planet and the aliens, they’re like all, their default expression is this weird expression of half “I’m surprised,” and half “I’m ready to give you a blow job,” like there’s this weird mouth opening. Anyway, they’re fucking around with the alien thing, with the US ship lander guy.
Lander arm is about to … suck up an alien, is that what’s gonna happen? Suck up maybe alien Mac? [laughter] He did, it sucked him up! So stupid. Oh. Wait. Oh, it sucked up a bunch of aliens. And it’s taking off again. Sss’s gonna go back home. Oh, this is how the aliens—hmmm. K. I only remember Mac being on Earth.
Also, this thing is really far because there’s a plan—- [stunned silence]
Oh this is amazing. There’s a voiceover. [laughter] But because this is like an illegal YouTube copy, the voiceover is in fucking Russian or something.
Whatever, whatever “important” information they’re relaying I’m not getting and I don’t remember any of this or anything from the first time I saw it.
[what follows is more stunned silence, while movie dialogue can be heard in the background]
Oh shit. So, it turns out, this pirated movie. … It’s fucking dubbed. It’s not in English [chuckle], it’s in some other fucking language. Mother fucker.
You know, half of me thinks I should go try to find one in English, but the other half of me says [chuckle] fuck that. [laughter] I’m watching this movie in foreign language, fuck it!
This is military people taking stuff off the lander. So I think the aliens are gonna come out soon and then it’s gonna be madness.
For the record the only reason I watched this before was cause they did it on How Did This Get Made and when I listen to that podcast I try to always watch the movie first. The downside of that is you watch some terrible fucking movies.
[so here, for the first time in my life - honest to god, no joke - hearing myself drunk-slur the word “movies” is the first time I’ve actually heard myself with a Philly accent. Turns out, as I would listen to the rest of this, that I’ve learned my Philly accent comes roaring out when I’m drunk. Yuck]
I don’t get it. They all came out of the lander … Oh, they whistle. I forgot. The aliens all, like, stupid whistle. I guess that’s because they’ve got their stupid blowjob open mouths, so you can’t enunciate. I wonder what happens if I put my mouth in open whistle blowjob form and try to talk let’s find out!
“They just lew a wall and now they’re alking through and it’s like a halley.”
Huh. So you can talk ok. You just can’t, like, F — I couldn’t say family. But I could talk more than fucking whistling. Why did these assholes only involve fucking whistling language? Fucking asshole aliens.
First product placement, Coca Cola!
So. Mom van with her two kids and the coca cola kids are going through the security thing that’s been set up to try to find they escaped aliens they don’t realize that Mac baby alien has gotten into snuck into their van and we secretly learn that the younger kid in the van is in a wheelchair and we learn that as we see the alien reach out with an extended, amazing, Mr. Fantastic kind of extended stretch arm to grab the kid’s can of coke to drink it because aliens looooove Coca Cola.
In like, real life, if an alien drank coke, there’s like a 100% chance it’s dead within minutes, right? I figure that’s gotta be right.
So the mom is wheelchairing wheelchair kid and he’s like, he’s doing this weird massage thing of her arms. So like she’s pushing him and he has his arms up at her … armpits, massaging her arms. It’s really fucking weird and I dunnowhassgoin’on.
So I texted my friend what I was doing and she asks how I’m not watching the Galaxy Guardian movie with a bear. What the fuck? Galaxy Guardian movie with a bear is there? And I wish I watching a movie with a bear.
Mac and Me would be fucking dope if it had a bear. Especially if the bear was like a bear that just came in and savaged the whole house. This kid in the wheelchair, you’re cute— oh my god! Wait a minute. Right now the kid is LITERALLY PLAYING WITH A FUCKING STUFFED BEAR! Holy shit! Come to life, bear!
I don’t think this is Russian guys. Fuck what language is this? That’s gonna be the biggest question when I get out of this goddamned movie is what fucking language is it in.
There are … no … there are some comments but nobody says what language it is.
Oh he’s watching The Snorks you guysssrememberSnorks, that fucking Smurf Smurf ripoff? Snorks were dope. So I was on You Tube trying to fis-see if it, if it says what language it was and it doesn’t BUT there are one, two, three, four, five, six, seven comments. I’m gonna share these comments with you.
Comment one says “Yah they tried to play off E.T..” That was by commenter called “80s 90s Movies.” The first person responds with the comment of “80s 90s Movies.” Second person responds with “would have been better if they made a parody but this is still fun to watch.” That commenter’s name is Billy Barnett. Billy Barnett can suck a dick.
Then wehavecomment who says “very sweet movie, I love the intro musical score.” That commenter’s name is George Fell. He wrote that comment four days ago. George Fell from four days ago can suck a dick.
NewYorkKnicksFan 2017 two weeks ago wrote “worst movie ever.” I hate the New York Knicks cause I’m from Philadelphia … but … on this, NewYorkKnicksFan 2017, you and I can agree.
Bryan Hayes … [raucous laughter] … two weeks ago, commented with, “Bryan.” [more laughter]
And then, WackyRed15 says “at twelve- 1:21:23 what song is that supposed to be the tune of?” If I can remember this at 1:21:23 I’ll try to get backatcha on that WackyRed.
[gasp] Wait a minute. I think. Mac is about to meet me. Kid’s hopping out of bed cause his legs don’t work. I’m gonna drink some bourbon. Cause my arms work. …I just drank all the bourbon.
So somebody’s drilling holes in the wall they drilled one and wheelchair kid went around and the drill was there and now it’s not a drill it’s a saw blade [gasp] it’s it’s the alien. Mac and me have met! Face to face. It only took 31 minutes.
Wheelchair kid just rolled out of the backyard … and he’s now out towards a hill [giant gasp] IS THIS THE MOMENT? Oh. I’m pumping my legs right now cause I think this is the moment. You guys. The little sister is coming out the back door to watch I think this is the moment oh. I’m texting my friend. “I think this is the Paul Rudd moment coming up I’m so happy.” The little sister is at the top of the hill wa-looking she’s looking around where’s my brother. There’s wheelchair kid. Alien’s whistling. Come on. Pop up, pop up alien. Right. There he goes. Yes! This is the moment! [laughter] Aw, wheelchair broke. Full speed ahead. [laughter] Ok, so right here is where I’m telling myself to put a link to the post Dustin wrote years ago about the amazing thing Paul Rudd has done with this movie and then I should probably embed one if not all of the relevant clips I can find because it’s the best and it’s why Paul Rudd is the best.
Edddddie. The sister is yelling Eddie. …Me! Mac and Me, the me’s name is Eddie. So it’s Mac and Eddie. That’s a good name Mac and Eddie, why didn’t they call it that?
Man. Whatever language this is, even when I think they’re talking nice to each other is sounds really mean like they’re yelling and they’re gonna fucking stab each other.
Ok, so the guy who posted this on YouTube, his name is Jozef with an accent over the O and it’s Z, so J, O accent, Z, E, F. So I just googled the name Jozef and it’s seems that it’s generally understood to be a Hungarian name so this language is probably … Hungarian?
The mom in the movie kinda looks like the mom from The Goldbergs except The Goldbergs is awesome and this isn’t do you guys watch The Goldberg? The Goldbergs is really good.
Alien is holding a coffee cup. He’s outside holding a coffee cup. I don’t understand— the cup that Mac and me is drinking out of seems like it should be a McDonald’s coffee cup but it’s not branded. Where the fuck’s the branding. McDonalds! You named the alien Mac but you don’t brand the cup? [sigh] Coca Cola though, he just went back for the Coke. This is their Reeses Pieces.
Whoa. Oh. … They just sucked the alien into a vacuum cleaner. [exacerbated sigh] …I hate this movie. I’m 42 minutes in, I still have almost an hour to go.
Alien Mac got out of the vacuum cleaner I think he must’ve just blown out of it cause now there’s dust and shit everywhere. Now older dickhead brother has discovered him and they’ve learned that because he’s sick what he needs is Coke so they’re bringing him Coke cause aliens love Coke. Hashtag sponsor.
Uh oh. Cops showed up. [indecipherable] high school. Cops showed up and fucking alien ran out the back curtain. I remember being at parties where I did that move. Me and the alien we’re sympatico. I’m a drink some more beer.
So they’re clearly outside of LA cause there’s some old guy hiking wearing an LA Dodgers cap. Which gives me a reason to say “fuck the Doyers. Go Phillies.” Oh. Kid just woke up and there’s a daffodil on his pillow.
So here’s the deal. This movie just hit the 47 minute mark. I’m not— I just burped. I’m not recording any more audio until this movie hits an hour. So I’m gonna go 13 minutes radio silent.
[it then seems to take me a minute to actually get the recording to stop recording]
Ok I’m back. Right now, there is a fucking dance routine going on. Like, right dance shit happening. And it’s happening innnnn [laughs] a McDonald’s drive-thru. [chuckling] Ho-ho-ly fuck. This. Is. The amaaaazing McDonald’s product placement one hour in and we are there— OH Ronald McDonald! Ronald McDonald is in the house. He’s playing games with kids. Girls coming hug, fucking Mac bear is there.
Ok I need to pause and explain what you missed while this was going on.
So while we were gone, the government showed up, some otherstuff happened but then the government showed up. Fucking alien Mac got sick and they offered him Coke and it wouldn’t take and that was when they realized that he was home sick. Awwwwww. The kid put Mac alien in that stuffed bear we were talking about before to sneak him out without the government seeing him. And I would like to reiterate that this movie would be so much better if there was a real fucking bear in it.
Oh, right before I started recording again, I took a picture of Mac in the bear costume and I feel like now’s probably the time I should share that. So I’m a put that in.
Oh man there’s like all sorts of crazy dancing this is a whole fucking … thing going on here. McDonalds. There’s football players dancing. Here comes the government. [laughter] Fucking Ronald McDonald is dancing. …Clowns. [chuckles] They’re all clowns.
I dunno what song this is. But it’s fucking terrible. We— oh! God damn it. Nah. We’re only hour minute three and I was wondering if this was the song commentor guy was asking about but I’m scrolling down and he asks that at 1:21. Fuck. Let’s see if I can remember to come back to that.
The government busted up the fucking McDonalds thing and Mac and me are getting away. Mac and me are escaping and escape which is being done by the fucking Me — Eddie? — rolling in his wheelchair [laughter] and then Mac just throws off the bear costume cause fuck you bear costume. We got this sweet fucking alien puppet we gotta show off. [laughter] Wheelchair is going down the roads faster than cars. That seems dangerous.
Come on. Fucking E.T. fly. The music is swelling. E.T. fly, it has to happen.
It fucking has to happen, come on.
[long stretch of silence]
…Oh god damn it they latched onto a back of the car like Back to the Future … and rolled into aaaaaaaaaaa … Wal-Mart kinda store question mark. Fucking disappointed. If you’re gonna rip off E.T., fucking do it whole hog. Send the kid and the alien into the air. Let em fly. It’s day time instead of night when Elliott and E.T. did it so it wouldn’t really be a rip-off, right?
Mac is wearing a t-shirt. I don’t know why. He’s a fucking alien, aliens don’t need t-shirts. We’ve been looking at his alien nipples for like an hour-plus.
Skittles! [laughter] SKITTLES! This is the Reeses Pieces moment never mind whatever I said before that I thought was the Reeses Pieces moment they just fed the alien Skittles. He’s gonna love em, right? He loves the Skittles.
So they just drove by a billboard, there’s also horses and they said a thing that I thought I was gonna remember right now so that I could say what the thing was and then I was gonna say I think I just learned Hungarian for horses except [chuckling] I don’t remember the thing they said.
I hate my life.
Now they’re driving, they’ve driven away from the city I dunno why I guess to get away from the government guys maybe? And they’re … if anybody’s ever been out to LA and you drive form LA towards Palm Springs or Vegas or anything sorta Easterly, you pass by the cool areas where all the, uh, like the wind farm and they’ve got all the guys with the fucking wind propellers on it. Which is actually really cool. Alien Mac also thinks this stuff is really cool cause they had to stop the van and he got out and he’s doing weird hand sign shit to the spinny wind turbines. Turbines. That was the word I was looking for earlier.
He’s doing his weird hand things but he’s not whistling even though he’s got whistle face cause he’s always got whistle face. Come on man, fucking whistle. Gimme a whistle.
They’re in the mine now. There was bat noises and it made me wish for Batman. Any Batman. I would even take fucking George Clooney nipple Batman. Didjou guys see that Lego Batman movie? You should go see it. Funny, a little long but on the whole, yeah man, thumbs up.
[gasp] Aww. There’s a buncha dead alien Macs in the mine tunnel. Hey you knooooow, I just realized, we’re like, uhhhh, hundred, hour and fifteen minutes into this movie, so almost done thank god, and I kinda don’t know how he got the name Mac. I mean I know in reality cause of the McDonalds and I don’t remember from watching it originally and now I’m watching it in Hungarian so I dunno. But I think I just heard somebody say Mac and that’s the first time I remember hearing somebody reference his name.
BUT in good news it turns out the aliens aren’t actually dead and now that [chuckles] wheelchair kid and errybody else is down there they’re giving the aliens Coca Cola and [laughter] the aliens are I’m sorry I’m laughing so hard [laughing] the aliens are coming back to life. Coke saves, people. Coke saves.
They’re putting jackets on the aliens. Like the aliens don’t speak, so I dunno why they think the aliens need a fucking jacket or clothes of any sort. This is some bullshit McDonalds sponsored anti … body appreciation bullshit. The naked alien body is beautiful. We should appreciate the naked alien body for what it is.
So there was a whole lot of fighting in the van that then turned into singing so now they’re singing some sort of Hungarian folk song and I dunno what this song was in English but the Hungarian folk song is fucking dope. Oh. Oh! I bet this is the song the guy wanted to know about!
…I’m gonna pause the movie so that I can go have a snack and take a piss. And maybe get another beer question mark.
Ok I’m back. I’m looking at this pause screen and now I’m realizing fucking says right in the YouTube title Mac and Me 1988 HUN. The “HUN” is fucking Hungarian. So I basically shoulda known from minute one that it was Hungarian but it took me until however long that it took me to figure out it was Hungarian.
I just burped again.
Oh shit. The aliens just walked into a store. This can’t go well. Shit’s going down. Fucking grocery store security pulled a gun. There’s cops outside. Shit is going down. Fucking aliens is gonna fuck this gun up. Or alien is gonna just take the gun just start fucking shooting around like an idiot. God damn, aliens are fucking stupid.
The sheriff just took the kid hostage [laughter] what? The sheriff grabbed the kid to get him out cause he wanted to keep him safe cause the alien’s got the gun but the way he grabbed him it was like he was taking him as a fucking shield [laughter]. I mean in Hungary that’s probably how it works, the Hungarian cops probably take regular citizens and use ‘em as human shields. But this is America mother fuckers, come on.
They’re letting the aliens just leave and [chuckles] the one alien’s got a box of fucking groceries wid ‘em and he’s holding a gun and then the rest of the aliens are just walking and they’re all just letting em leave. And— Oh and now there was an accident and people are shooting and [laughter] one gun shot caused a whole grocery store to literally blow up. I dunno how much money this movie cost but 80 percent of the budget was in that one scene.
Uh oh, Eddie got hurt in the explosion they just had to take him out of the wheelchair and put him on the ground. Brother’s crying. Babysitter girl is crying. Oh fuck, I think he’s dead. Come on Mac, come save him, bring him back to life. I should embed the uh, whassthat fucking emo band, Bring Me Back to Life, song. With like a chick singer. I actually liked them for a hot minute.
Hey, lookit that. Perfect timing. The parents got helicoptored in somehow, they’re gonna get to see their dead wheelchair son. That’s happy.
…So much crying.
There we go. Get ‘em aliens. Bring ‘em back to life. Evanescence! That’s the band name. Fucking weird whistles and hand signs make weird alien magic happen and then they put the spark of life into the boy and now I think he’s gonna be a Transformer. He’s fucking floatin’ [laughter]. He’s fucking floatin’.
Right now. I need to find online and put here a picture of the aliens so all you motherfuckers [chuckles] know what these fucking things look like ‘cause [chuckles] Jesus Christ they look stupid.
Aww, me. Of the Mac and Me. Lives. I don’t remember how this ends, there’s only like 6 minutes left, but from watching this in Hungarian I believe there’s no father around. So I feel like the right ending is for the mother to marry alien dude and for them to go bang and make half-breed alien human symbiote children and then that sets up for Mac and Me 2 if there would be a Mac and Me 2 which this most certainly did not warrant. But I’d watch that Mac and Me 2.
Wait a minute, we’re in fucking City Hall! [laughs] Oh it’s a god damned citizen ship thing. Come on, we’re gonna pan around and see aliens, aren’t we? …Come on. Come on. Show me the aliens.
Yes! [laughter] They’re in suits and a dress. They’re in 50s clothes. [riotous laughter] I guess aliens have a husband and wife since he’s in a suit and she’s in a dress so I guess it wouldn’t be cool for the mom to bang dad alien to make hybrids. There’s a mom and dad and daughter and baby Mac. Huh. And everyone here is totally cool wit all these aliens.
Oh, you guys. Hang on. I’m gonna come back around in a minute, but I got - I get it.
Now Mac’s blowing a bubble. Oh! And then there’s a bad effect of Mac blowing a bubble that says “we’ll be back” and the bubble pops. The thing is, he lies. Cause they never came back.
Alright, so now the credit’s rolling. Hey guys, so like here’s the thing. It took me til the very very end here to tie it all together I realize, dude, this movie is super important. We’re living in a world right now where little hand Donny Trash is trying to throw people out and keep people from coming in. Guys. Mac and Me stands for no matter how different you are no matter where you come from no matter how you come here there’s value that you can serve — hang on a minute — [laughter] these last credit, after Elrod whoever that was, is Ronald McDonald as himself. [laughter] It’s a fucking amazing. Anyway. Guys! This is like an anti-Donald Trump referendum. Fuck you and your immigrant ban. Aliens are good for this country. They chew bubble gum, they consume Coca Cola products, they love some Skittles, they’re just like us. They come here, they wanna suckseed, they wanna make things better, they protect us, they raise our crippled kids from the dead bringing them back to life. Hashtag resist.
Think I’m done, right? Yeah, I’m done. I’m a finish this beer and go to bed. Fuck you Mac and Me. I love you Mac and Me.