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Excuse Me Baby, I Can't Control Myself In The Octopus Mode

By TK Burton | Film | September 27, 2010 |

By TK Burton | Film | September 27, 2010 |

It’s hard to believe, but this is what I’m doing with my Saturday night. It won’t be as bad as The Client List (it’s can’t be. Please, God, don’t let it be worse than The Client List), but it’s not gonna be good. Once again, additional commentary is provided by Mrs. TK. And we are joined by one surly cat named Little Man and one mildly retarded one named Desmond.

Let’s rock.

9:00 - Holy fucking balls, Sharktopus has its own theme song. It’s some kind of freaky surf rock track. “Sharktopus won’t be kept at bay, and you can never ever ever ever get away.” I think I’m in love.

9:02 - First gratuitous ass shot. Two minutes in. Damn, that’s impressive. Oh, this girl is gonna get herself all kinds of eaten.

Wait, no, I’m wrong. Sharktopus sighting already, and it just fucked up a great white shark. Also, the acting by ass-girl and her friend? Astonishingly bad. No, I mean even by SyFy standards. I think she’s on meth and her lines were given to her in Sanskrit.

9:04 - Oh, Eric Roberts. How did it come to this? We need to commission some sort of study to analyze where the careers of him and his sister Julia diverged. In any event, Eric Roberts is some sort of government scientist with a brilliant daughter (we know she’s brilliant because of her big glasses).

9:07 - Sharktopus just made a boat explode! And now the government scientists have lost control of it! It’s running free! Who could have possibly seen this coming?

9:09 - Some random dude was just grabbed by Sharktopus and literally screamed, “Oh no! Not like this!” OK, I’ve seen almost every single SyFy movie ever made, and this unquestionably has some of the worst acting ever. That is a major fucking achievement, and the fine makers of this film should be commended. And also? Shot.

9:12 - Gratuitous ass shot #4. Not that I’m counting.

Ah, the long estranged scientist who used to work for Eric Roberts. I wonder if he’ll save the day and fall in love with Roberts’ daughter. Oh, and I wonder if they’ll initially be at odds with each other.

9:14 - Ass shot #5. Thanks to Mrs. TK for faithfully pointing it out to me. Also, there appears to be a direct correlation between ass-shots and Sharktopus attacks. As if to say that you shameless hussies shouldn’t display your dirty bits, else you’ll be torn to pieces by a scientifically engineered shark-octopus hybrid. It’s a lesson we all should learn. Sharktopus is clearly part of the Tea Party Express.

9:16 - Apparently they’ve created a tranquilizer dart that will stop Sharktopus. But they only have two. No further explanation, nor any effort to make more. Also, this is apparently the only tranquilizer that will work. On the scientifically created monster that you developed which can destroy everything in its path and is impervious to bullets. AND YOU ONLY MADE TWO FUCKIN’ DARTS? Remind me never to go camping with these people. Contingency plans, folks. It’s just common sense.

9:18 - #6, coupled with a gratuitous cleavage shot. And of course, she’s a reporter. She will die. I can feel it in me bones. Also, her cameraman is covered in tattoos that are clearly drawn on with runny Sharpies. Is it that hard to find a shitty actor with full sleeves?

9:20 - A butterfaced horsey girl just went bungie jumping, and if you can’t see where this is going, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Yup, Sharktopus just leaped out and snatched her out of the air like she was a snack on a rope. Might as well have been wearing a suit made out of steak tips.

Mmm… steak tips…

9:27 - Ah, yes, the estranged scientist and Roberts’ nerdy daughter are clashing. It’s like I’m psychic. What can I say? It’s a gift. Interestingly, he’s a smarmy arrogant prick and she’s a nerdy arrogant bitch. They’re clearly made for each other. I hope they both get their arms torn off and used to beat them to death.

9:29 - Gratuitous ass shot #7.

I just realized that there’s been no explanation as to how Sharktopus was made, where it came from, or what its purpose is.

I’m OK with that.

9:32 - Gratuitous ass shots 8 through 13. Wow. This is quite the assapalooza. They might as well fucking marinate themselves. Also, there was a pointless scene with reporter lady and the drunk she’s shanghaied into helping her where he explains that the reason it’ll come back is because octopi are very territorial. Something he learned from a life of gutting fish. No, really, that’s what he said. He’s like a walking alcoholic fish-gutting Wikipedia entry.

9:34 - Oh! The scientists have a signal (they can track Sharktopus using nerdy female scientist’s laptop. Don’t ask questions!). I’m sure this plan is foolproof. Also, for some inexplicable reason, Sharktopus makes whale noises sometimes, but then roars like a Bengal tiger on angel dust at others.

Angel dust, you say?

Now. Where were we? Oh, right.

9:36 - Seriously, there’s no way these people are real actors. SyFy must have just grabbed a bunch of burnouts from the front of a local methadone clinic or something. These people are actually worse than J-Lo-Ho in The Client List. Think about that for a second.


9:37 - I have so many questions. Why does Sharktopus have spikes coming out of its gills? What’s the giant hole in its belly? Why does it hate Volkswagons? Why is it able to walk on land? Why do I keep putting my wife through these terrible movies? Most importantly, why does she stay with me in spite of that?

Why am I asking you jackasses?

9:43 - Sharktopus has made the news. Eric Roberts is in trouble. Seriously dude, weren’t you just in The Dark Knight? And now this? This is not the direction I expected your career to go in. I mean, David Carradine in DinoCroc Vs. SuperGator? That wasn’t a surprise. But this, Eric?

Shit, yo ass used to be beautiful.

9:46 - The sciencey talk in this movie is awesomely awful. Or awfully awesome. They just throw together words like “gene splicing” and “interspecies” and BOOM! Insta-science!

9:50 - I love that Eric Roberts isn’t even trying. I think he might actually be drunk. That’s good hustle on his part.

9:54 - Someone tell me: There are like a dozen “Stargate” shows. Are any of them any good? Any of them at all?

9:55 - They’re by a big island because octopi like to hide around rocks. You can see why nerdy glasses girl is a scientist. Gosh, I hope they don’t waste their supply of magical darts (this line brought to you with generous amounts of sarcasm by Mrs. TK, who is shockingly still awake).

9:58 - Wow. They wasted one of their magical darts. I’m stunned. Also, I have to applaud SyFy for their extensive use of fake blood. This is one of the bloodier shitty fake CGI giant monster movies I’ve seen.

10:03 - The alkie working with reporter lady just got hisself impaled by a tentacle. No idea why the tentacles are impaling people. Ah well. Raise a glass for random drunk dude.

Also, they don’t appear to be able to settle on a size for Sharktopus. It appears to range in size from “Toyota Camry” to “C-130 Hercules.” It’s very distracting. Am I overthinking this? Yes? Oh, fuck your mother.

10:07 - I must say, the SyFy commercials for SyFy aren’t nearly as cool as they used to be back in the old “Sci-Fi Channel” days.

10:10 - We’ve hit the inevitable lag period, where SyFy movies run out of ideas and are basically just killing time until the climax. It’s gonna basically be stupid people getting killed, failed plan by the protagonists, sinister speech by Eric Roberts, rinse and repeat for the next 40 minutes.

Case in point: some random douchebag on a jetski just got Sharktopussed.

10:12 - I want to create a mosaic of the facial expressions from this movie. It’s been an astonishing collection of amazing and utterly vacant stares. It’s like they’re robots from the future designed specifically to look vacuously dumbfounded in all situations.

10:15 - “They’re just stringing random science words together that don’t actually mean anything.” Mrs. TK. Since she’s, you know, an actual scientist, I can tell she’s screaming on the inside.

Also, another gratuitous ass shot. I’ve lost track of how many that is. SyFy apparently issued three requirements for the makers of Shaktopus: Wooden actors, nonsensical scientific terminology, and lots and lots of ass. Oh, and people need to flail about ineffectually while their friends stand there and scream but make no move to help them. Thanks for nothing, you dumb bastards.

10:19 - Ah, the scientists are starting to warm up to each other.

10:21 - Sharktopus just ate a boat. Followed by the husband from the annoying couple on it.

10:23 - Oh noes! The hunky male scientist’s trusty Latin sidekick just got pulled overboard and eated. And hunky male scientist just yelled (hand to God) “damn you monster! Damn you!”

This movie is gloriously stupid. In case you were curious? Declan O’Brien, who “directed” this mess also directed Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead, Cyclops, Monster Ark, and Rock Monster. This is a man who is going places, people. Clearly a student of our finest film schools.

I forgot to mention that Lake Placid 3 was on before this. Yes, there are three of them. Is nothing sacred, SyFy? The first one is a genuinely fun movie. Couldn’t we just leave it alone? Damn you SyFy! DAMN YOOOOOOOOOU!

Also, Mrs. TK is frustrated because reporter girl’s shorts are always unbuttoned. We clearly don’t notice the same things.

10:31 - ‘Nother ass shot. OK, now Sharktopus is hunting the scientists. Aaaaand, their boat’s engine just died. Totally didn’t see that coming.

10:34 - Eric Roberts is drunkenly piloting his boat to find Sharktopus. I mean that his character’s drunk, not him. Well, he’s probably drunk too. Frankly, I suspect that everyone in this is drunk. I know I am. FUCK YOU. YOU WERE NEVER IN THE NAVY, YOU COCKSUCKER.

10:35 - Ass shot, like, # a billion.

10:37 - Sharktopus just climbed up a pole. In front of 50 people. And no one noticed it until it grabbed some chick in sequined hotpants. I don’t know how my life got to a point where I would be writing things like that. My momma is so proud.

10:46 - Sorry, I missed the last few minutes so I could watch the trailer for “The Walking Dead” for the zillionth time. But now I’m back, and there’s a heated battle between the scientists and Sharktopus. Hunky male scientist apparently doesn’t know how to button his shirt.

Aaaaand Eric Roberts just shuffled off this mortal coil. Via a tentacle stab to the jugular. Still no word on why Sharktopus has so many random pointy parts. Or why I’m still watching. Or hell, why you’re still reading.

10:49 - Why is reporter chick not dead yet?

10:52 - Sharktopus just snapped up someone on a zip line. Mrs. TK: “Sharktopus does not like adventure activities.”

Six minutes for them to wrap this pile of tragedy up. I’ll be honest, I checked out of this thing 45 minutes ago. Now the only question left is will they be able to get in one more ass shot before 11:00.

10:58 - Hunky scientist is complaining that he’s out of bullets. Motherfucker, you’ve fired 500 rounds at it to no avail. I THINK IT MIGHT BE BULLETPROOF, YOU ABTACULAR FUCKING MENTAL MIDGET.

Female scientist just told him that there’s a kill switch that they need to hit. Wow. That might have been helpful information two hours ago, you fucking dumbass.

11:01 What the fuck? This isn’t over yet? Anyway, reporter chick finally got killed, and hunky scientist guy just inexplicably tore off his shirt, Rambo-style, even though he wasn’t hurt. He just figured if you’re gonna kill a giant genetically engineered mutant shark/octopus, you better do it shirtless.

11:03 - Nerdy scientist girl is trying to figure out the password to some computer program that will somehow blow up Sharktopus, and Mrs. TK is screaming it at her. And nerdy scientist chick just refuses to listen (it’s “pumpkin,” by the way, and Mrs. TK had it right).

11:05 - Oh, there we go. Sharktopus exploded. Thank fucking God. I’m going the fuck to sleep.

TK writes about music and movies. He enjoys playing with dogs, raising the dead, and tacos. You can email him here.

TK Burton is an Editorial Consultant. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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