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Scary Movie 5 Review: Why Bother? Because That’s What We Do

By Agent Bedhead | Film | April 13, 2013 |

By Agent Bedhead | Film | April 13, 2013 |

I’ll be perfectly honest here and admit that I never saw the third or fourth installments of the Scary Movie franchise, but I did review an ever-so-slightly superior version of Scary Movie 5 a few months ago, and it was called A Haunted House. That movie was an insufferable mess of its own accord, but it was a more palatable experience than the subject at hand. Not that you should watch either of these movies. Just saying. As far as these horror spoofs go, the first Scary Movie was amusing for the sheer novelty of the joyride scene, and that’s about as far as this franchise should have progressed.

In the same regard to my admission in the above paragraph, I’d like you to be completely honest too and ‘fess up to not even reading this review to find out whether or not you should see Scary Movie 5. You probably already know (since Pajibans are a relatively tasteful bunch) that you don’t want to watch this dreck. You’re sort of wondering why we’re even reviewing it. The bottom line — and don’t lie to me — is that you sadistically want to know how bad the experience actually is from someone who had to watch it. I’m down with that.

Obviously, the standards going into this one were the lowest imaginable, so let’s dispense with formalities and get down to it. Let’s just say that Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan’s 5-minute scene (as terrible as they both were) was the highlight of all 85 minutes, and you’d have to be as cracked out as they are to enjoy the rest of the movie. Charlie and Lindsay play themselves, which is convenient because neither one of them can act worth a shit anyway. In this story, they’re married and have spawned three cracked-out children who have mysteriously disappeared. A short while later, a couple named Jody (Ashley Tisdale) and Dan (Simon Rex) take on the responsibility of these children who are (naturally) feral. By this point, the movie has already spoofed Mama and Paranormal Activity, and it’s just getting warmed up to randomly throw vomit at the screen with the aid of a Morgan Freeman-esque narrator (Josh Robert Thompson).

Then in rapid progression, the film mocks Black Swan and Sinister. For some unknown reason, the writers also tossed in Rise of the Planet of the Apes jokes because monkey poop is just too strong of a temptation to resist crossing genres, and Honey Boo Boo gets some air time. For what it’s worth, some Evil Dead remake stuff gets shoved there too, which at least makes the movie semi-relevant instead of years behind the (wishful) satiric curve that these movies tend to follow. I suppose, for some, that much of the fun for this type of spoof movie would be found in spotting the send-ups, which are so blatant here that they don’t even qualify as allusions.

You want cameos? They belong to Snoop Dogg (Lion?), Mike Tyson, and Molly Shannon (who will never escape this hellhole) as well as Heather Locklear and Usher. These shameless souls help execute gags that aren’t even groanworthy. I mean, having sex with a microwave is truly overrated. What, did you expect legitimate film criticism in this review? I’m doing exactly what this movie did — indiscriminately regurgitating nonsense for your perverse enjoyment even though, clearly, it’s not working.

For just a moment, however, let’s humor this movie. It doesn’t exist to be a great or even a good or decent movie. It doesn’t exist to educate anyone or even fashion itself as a James Franco-esque manifestation or “art.” It merely exists to provide extremely cheap, base-bottom entertainment for people who refuse to turn on their brains or demand even slightly funny jokes. Does it do that? Not even slightly.

Agent Bedhead lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma. She and her little black heart can be found at Celebitchy.