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Butthurt Dudes Actually Believe 'Captain Marvel' Will Flop Because of Brie Larson

By Mike Redmond | Film | February 18, 2019 |

By Mike Redmond | Film | February 18, 2019 |


Last week, Brie Larson made headlines when she correctly pointed out that there are way too many white dudes covering movies and made it clear that she’s not having that sh*t while promoting Captain Marvel. Predictably, the wiener-boy corners of the internet were pissed, and sure enough, our comment threads started filling up with sad rants like this one.

White male here, so you dont like white males Brie? No problem not am only going to sit out captin marvel but if you have a big roll in avengers I’ll sit that one out too. I can always stream it online for FREE. #gowokegobroke

Because I hate myself, I watched these sad, little tirades unfold, and it didn’t take long for a narrative to form because these lonely f*cknuts couldn’t form an original thought if it reached out and yanked their virginal dongs. And, folks, this narrative is a doozy:

They’re literally betting against a Marvel movie making money.

There are gambling addicts who’ve anted up their own bone marrow who look like card-counting geniuses from MIT compared to these angry dorks. But if you listen to the incelnet — which no one should ever do — they are absolutely convinced that Captain Marvel is going to be a box-office flop because Brie Larson is lighting her bra on fire and committing white genocide, or some shit. So to emphasize the fact that you should be legally declared a ward of the state if you don’t realize that Marvel is printing money right now, let’s take a look at the latest box-office predictions for Captain Marvel, which are… hmm, let’s see here… pretty f*cking great.

THR reports:

Captain Marvel is tracking to open to a marvelous $100 million-plus in North America, the biggest box-office debut since Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom stomped to $148 million last summer.

Is that projection as high as say Black Panther or Avengers: Infinity War? No. Is it almost exactly the same as a little movie called Wonder Woman? YUP.

Wonder Woman opened to $103.3 million domestically in June 2017 on its way to amassing $821.8 million globally, including $412.6 million in North America.

Long story short, you’d have to be an absolute moron to honestly believe a Marvel movie is going to bomb and especially because of a handful of triggered man-babies. So naturally, Cosmic Book News ran with that exact narrative in the most spectacularly wrong “article” that I’ve ever read in my life.

Look at this opening paragraph.

I previously wrote how Brie Larson is a huge gamble for Disney and Kevin Feige - especially following the failure of Star Wars: The Last Jedi - and now the Captain Marvel movie looks to be in big, big trouble, unfortunately.

For the record, The Last Jedi not only crushed at the box office, but it was one of the highest-selling Blu-ray releases of 2018. The Star Wars movie that truly underperformed was Solo, and that was because Disney tried to drop a prequel movie that nobody asked for barely five months after we just had a Star War. But somehow that’s The Last Jedi’s fault, according to this poster child for wearing no fewer than 12 condoms.

As a result of The Last Jedi, Disney has put the movies on hiatus for what looks to be at least another two years (no movies are coming out after Episode IX that have been announced).

To quote Luke Skywalker, “Amazing, every word of what you just said… was wrong.” But we’re not here to rehash this horseshit argument. (Maybe later.) We’re here to address this paragraph.

There is also a huge problem with Brie Larson who has been spinning Captain Marvel as a feminist movie, essentially isolating the audience, and she even recently came out against white males for some reason. I’m actually surprised and disappointed in Kevin Feige that he is allowing Larson to destroy the MCU audience, and that Disney and CEO Bob Iger haven’t learned anything from Star Wars. It’s never a good thing to split the audience or insult them. Do they not want white males to go see the movie?

Jesus Christ. It takes an extra special brand of asshole to ask, “Why are the men in charge letting this broad run her mouth?” But allow me to answer Captain Pantytwist’s question:

They know the general populace doesn’t give a f*ck about anything you’re saying because your entire worldview is insignificant, and they also know your dork-ass will be there opening day because, seriously, who are you kidding here?

See you there!

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Mike is a Staff Contributor living in Pennsyltucky. You can follow him on Twitter.

Header Image Source: YouTube/Marvel