Men's Rights Activists Rethink Their Strategy Re: 'Wonder Woman'

By Holland Oates | Film | June 1, 2017 |

By Holland Oates | Film | June 1, 2017 |

Dear Men —

Look: We’ve got a problem here. Wonder Woman is coming out tomorrow, and all of our efforts to trash this movie have failed. From all accounts, the movie is great and no matter how many times we suggest that the reviews are feminist propaganda from paid shills, we can’t seem to dampen the enthusiasm for this movie.

These women-only screenings are a nightmare for us, because what if these women go to a movie without us and enjoy it? Who is going to be there to explain to them the true origins of the character, and interrupt them every 10 minutes to describe how the movie is different from the comics, and remind them that Wonder Woman was created by one of us (never mind that Wonder Woman was inspired by Olive Byrne and Margaret Sanger; the important thing is she was created by a man, and we need to remind women of that as often as possible!) What if they have a good time and we have to listen to them tell us about it? What if they don’t see us roll our eyes when Princess Diana kicks a dude’s ass? How are we going to play killjoy if we’re not even allowed to watch the movie with the very people whose joy needs to be killed?!

This is untenable!

So, we have to rethink our strategy, and I think I’ve come up with the perfect solution. You know that book, Lean In? Yeah, well, I’ve been reading it, because it pays to know the enemy, and I think I’ve come up with the magic pill.

Here’s the plan, fellas: Instead of shitting on the movie, we regale it!

Wait, wait, wait! Don’t get your knickers in a bunch. Hear me out, OK.

Tomorrow is opening day, and I want every one of you — and I mean every one — to rush out and buy as many tickets as possible. Take your sons. Take your brothers, your nephews, your fathers. We need to open this movie, and we need to open it huge. I’m talking Fast and the Furious numbers here, fellas. And when the demographic breakdowns come in on Sunday, I want it to read 65 percent men. I want the Cinemascore from males to read A+. And then I want you to tell every guy you know how great it is and how they have to go see it immediately.

And when the box office report comes out on Sunday morning and it says that Wonder Woman opened with $120 million, guess who gets to take the credit? That’s right, fellas. We do. The thing to do here is not to discredit Wonder Woman, but CO-OPT it! Make it ours! We can’t get rid of it, so we have to steal it! And when you see a group of women on the street talking to each other about how Wonder Woman was pretty good, you leap in and exclaim that it is the best. That you’ve never seen a better superhero movie in all your life. Shout it to the rafters, men! There’s a victory to be had here, chaps. But it doesn’t have to be their victory. It can be ours!

And the thing is, when Wonder Woman succeeds beyond everyone’s wildest expectations, we can lead the charge for sequels. And more female superheroes. And more female directors. But never, for a minute, let women believe they did this on their own. We led the effort. Men were out in front!

It’s foolproof, fellas! Foolproof, I say! We’ll beat them at their own game! And if it works here, we’ll roll this strategy out wide. Fuck it! More female representation in movies? Absolutely. Equal Rights Amendment? Consider it done. Equal pay? Hell, we can pay them more! And the best thing is, we can take credit for all of it! And when women finally get everything they ever wanted, we’ll remind them that we cut a window out of the glass ceiling so they could climb through and look down on us!

So, what do you think, men? The future belongs to women, and when the winners write the history books, I’m sure they’ll remember to thank us for our efforts! We got them right where we want them!