'Madame Web' Is a Burning Dumpster Dropped into a Volcano Filled with Moldy Fish

By TK Burton | Film | February 18, 2024 |

By TK Burton | Film | February 18, 2024 |

I’m not sure where to start.

By now, you’ve likely heard about Sony’s newest Spider-Verse entry, Madame Web. You’ve probably heard critics from early screenings talk about how bad it is. Watched TikToks about how it’s the worst movie ever made. Seen a Rotten Tomatoes score that looks more like your car’s interest rate than a film rating. Maybe you’ve even heard jokes about how it makes Morbius look like The Godfather.

Yet what many of these reviews, commentaries, and videos fail to really understand about Madame Web is just how much work has been put into this project. How much energy and time, and effort it takes to create a film that fails on so many levels. Because make no mistake: Madame Web is terrible. It’s a burning dumpster that’s been dropped from an AC-130 into an inactive volcano filled with moldy fish. It’s not just bad — it’s amazingly bad. It’s the kind of bad that’s so all-encompassing that it can’t possibly be an accident — it’s either the product of conscious decision-making or it’s a cosmic joke where the punchline is a shovel to the head.

Look, I’m not going to take up too much of your time — you don’t deserve to suffer like I did. So instead, here are a few things that failed and ten things that succeeded about Madame Web:

Things that failed:

The acting. The acting is the kind of miserable, lethargic exercise in dullness that you haven’t seen since The Phantom Menace. It’s the kind of acting — and this goes for everyone — where you wonder if after every take, director SJ Clarkson (Toast, a Game of Thrones prequel that died in the womb)) would say, “CUT! OK, let’s try it again, but with less effort.”

The superheroes. Oh, right, there are no superheroes in this superhero movie. Those costumes you see? Those are visions that Cassandra Web (Dakota Johnson at her sleepiest) has of the future of the three girls she’s trying to protect. But no one ever actually dons a costume except for…

The villain, whose name I forget but is loosely based on a character from the comics. He is awful. Tahar Rahim looks like he just got out of a car accident, and someone grabbed him, slapped a cheap black spider suit on him, threw some index cards at him, and yelled action. It’s like he’s dazed by how childish and derivative his dialogue is. Speaking of …

The dialogue. The dialogue — well, the script in general — is so rote and cliché-ridden that it actually feels like parody. Every actor is wasted on the absolutely wretched lines they’re forced to deliver. And there are great actors here! Sydney Sweeney has a good bit of talent! Isabella Merced, too! Damn it, Adam Scott is here! Playing … I shit you not … Ben Parker. Yes, that Ben Parker. Does he say the famous line? No, he does not. That line is instead delivered by a Peruvian tribesman who lives in a tree. I did not make that up.

Finally (well, not finally, but I’m running out of energy)… the gratuitous product placement. It’s astonishing. It’s almost admirable in its naked blatancy. Every can of Pepsi practically glows. Every bottle of Budweiser glistens with dew. Put it this way — the product placement is so overt and shameless that the villain is killed by a Pepsi sign. I did not make that up either.

Things that succeeded:

Nothing. Nothing worked. This movie is a detestable altar of sacrifice to the gods of ignorance and greed, a worthless strip of celluloid that should be buried under a landfill. It’s a thing that should not be. I am less for having seen it. Save yourselves.