The Whitest Movie You'll Ever See

By Dustin Rowles | Film | May 12, 2009 |

By Dustin Rowles | Film | May 12, 2009 |

There’s a movie out this week starring Amy Smart and Billy Zane. It’s called Love ‘N Dancing. It only opened in 30 theaters around the nation, so the odds that it’s playing in your town are slim. In fact, all 30 theaters are in one of four cities: Los Angeles, San Diego, Phoenix, and Salt Lake City. If you don’t live in those cities, you need not bother reading this “review.”

If you do live in one of those cities, however, I’d like to ask a favor of you. Check your local listings and determine exactly which theater Love ‘N Dancing is playing in. Then please make your way to that theater, as soon as possible, and burn it to the ground. If there are people in that theater, try to urge them to leave. Failing that, feel free to burn the movie theater down anyway. Certainly, the casualties may be high, and yes, the costs in damages will likely be in the millions, and you and I both will likely face a stiff prison sentence.

It’s worth it.

In fact, I’m convinced that behind the relentless earnestness of Love ‘N Dancing, there are hidden Satanic messages. To wit: If you carefully rearrange the letters in the title of the movie, you can spell “DANG CONN EVIL,” which is of course code for: Murder all white people. I’m feeling a little bloodthirsty myself, and I think the only way to quench it is to decapitate a few Caucasian Urkels. Love ‘N Dancing may very well be the Whitest Movie ever made, and I’m not talking about pasty New England white or even Canadian white. I’m talking: Utah white. You know: White. If we ever do a Seriously Random List ranking the Five Whitest Movies of All Time (suggestions will be taken below), Love ‘N Dancing may very well top the list.

The story: Jake, (Tom Malloy), a hearing-impaired swing-dancing pro loses his wife and dance partner when his hearing starts to go. He can still hear a little with his hearing aid is turned on, but he doesn’t like to keep it on during performances. He likes to feel the music, which means that — in a way — he’s dancing alone and will never be a true dance partner. Enter Jessica Donovan (Amy Smart), who begins taking swing-dancing lessons with a now washed-up Jake to prepare for her wedding reception with fiance, Kent (Billy Zane). Zane is an abomination — if you think he’s a bad actor in Uwe Boll adventures, then try him about as the bumbling, work-obsessed fiance, a role perfected by Greg Kinnear in much, much better movies. Zane is the comic-relief, y’all, both intentionally and unintentionally.

Naturally, Jessica — because her fiance prefers to talk on the phone — eventually falls for Jake during the dance lessons, and they pair up for his huge comeback at the U.S. Swing-Dance Open. You can probably guess what happens and the long-term consequences are the continuation of the uber-Caucasion species.

Terrible movie. Bad acting. Formulaic plotting. Heinous choreography. Straight-to-DVD level directing from Robert Iscove (The Ten Commandments: The Musical, From Justin to Kelly).It is not, to my knowledge, one of those fundie flicks, but it sure feels like one, minus the proselytizing. And after Amy Smart’s turns in Crank and Crank High Voltage, I’m surprised they even let her make the movie.

Dance, people. Dance.