Love Actually is many things to many people. To some, a holiday classic. To some, a schlocky mess. To me specifically, like a solid 3/8ths decent and mostly I just want to destroy the whole Colin-goes-to-America-to-sex-a-vagina arc.
But, did you know, it is also *wavy hands of enigma* A MYSTERY?
Yes, Love Actually is a mystery wrapped in questions smothered in gravy sprinkled with bacon. If that sounds like something a giant fat prime minister assistant might consume, you’re on the right track.
Love Actually’s biggest mystery is this: why does everyone think Natalie, played by actress Martine McCutcheon, is such a monstrous fat cow beast creature?
First, there’s her ex-boyfriend. He sounds like a real dicknose.
But then there’s also the staffer who was Bellino in the David Tennant Casanova who thinks Natalie’s thighs could basically double as load-bearing pylons for all of 10 Downing Street.
AND her dad even calls her “plumpy.” PLUMPY. Then, at the end, the gloriously happy ending where everyone finds love, EVEN TERRIBLE COLIN AND EXCEPT FOR LAURA LINNEY AND EMMA THOMPSON, THE ONLY CHARACTERS WHO MATTER, this exchange takes place:
What the shit, bro!?
And, of course, there’s nothing wrong with being fat! Be fat! Be thin! Be a pyramid-shaped being of indeterminate origin! It’s all fine! But why is this specific individual the brunt of such a running fat joke? I mean, did she lose weight? Is it a Frances Conroy/Alexandra Breckinridge American Horror Story maid situation where only we and Hugh Grant see her as fairly slender? Is she considered hideously fat in England and we’ve been brainwashed by our own American fatty fattitude (this theory is strengthened by Bridget Jones’s Diary 2: Everyone Thinks Bridget Is Goddamn Disgusting Except That One Lesbian Character)? Did they mean to cast a heavyset actress, cast McCutcheon instead and forget to alter the script?
Also, did you know that Emma Thompson wore a fat suit for the movie? Because in addition to being cheated on by her husband, given a goddamn CD for Christmas AND having to craft a lobster costume, clearly she had to be completely imperceptibly heavier than regular Emma Thompson. She was kind of almost not thin! Rickman had no choice but to bang the secretary who goes all Sharon Stone during routine office hours! He was powerless!
To Natalie, Emma Thompson in a fat suit, women who are fat, women who are not fat but think they’re fat, women who are thin, women of all sizes and shapes and colors and standards of beauty all across the spectrum of appearance, to you I say:
Merry goddamn Christmas. Eat EVERYTHING.