We’ve gone and shared our most anticipated movies of 2018, squeeing over morbid muppets, stylish thieves, and sexy superheroes. Now, we turn to the titles that have us groaning in exasperation instead of anticipation. Some are from franchises that just won’t die. Some are reboots or ripoffs that feel more insulting than fun. And two star Johnny Depp, because being an alleged abuser, an overpaid and ornery bad investment, and an actor who’s pissing over his own legacy with a string of hacky performances isn’t enough to deter Hollywood from casting him.
Fifty Shades Freed: They’re Still Making These?
The hype on these books is long-dead, so it’s about time this trilogy was put to bed. We’re dreading this release, because we tired of Christian Grey’s mindfuckery masquerading as romance about half-way through Fifty Shades of Grey’s second act. But hey, at least this means Dakota Johnson is free to do something more interesting than pretending she’s into her snarky stalker of a co-star, Jamie Dornan.(Opens February 9th.) Death Wish: Bruce Willis, Read The Room
Maybe you thought we were past the time where an assault on a woman would be used as a plot point to make a white, straight man have feels? Not if Eli Roth has anything to do with it. He’s “re-imagined” Charles Bronson’s 1974 revenge thriller, because apparently we need more “heroic” stories about white dudes going vigilante with their guns and angst. (Opens March 2nd.) Red Sparrow: Jennifer Lawrence Rips Off Black Widow
Technically, this is based on Jason Matthews’s novels about Russian ballerinas who trained to be assassins and who wield sex as a weapon. But this should have been an MCU movie starring Scarlett Johansson and making up for all the wrongs of Age of Ultron. Le sigh. (Opens March 2nd.) Sherlock Gnomes: Who Did This?
Who asked for a sequel to Gnomeo and Juliet? Who decided the thing this franchise needed was a smug Sherlock character? And who thought it was essential that such a detective be voiced by Johnny Depp? Most importantly, who will incur the wrath of TK and be forced to review this rancid trash fire? (Opens March 23rd.) Ready Player One: A Spielberg Homage Made By Spielberg
We’re about to test the limits of ’80s nostalgia as the Ernest Cline novel, that reads like a /Reddit thread of pop culture references, is brought to the big screen by Steven Spielberg. This is meant to be one of the “biggest” movies of 2018, so why can’t we muster anything beyond a meh? I mean, that poster didn’t help. (Opens March 30th.) Overboard: Anna Faris, We Want Better For You
Remaking this Goldie Hawn/Kurt Russell rom-com for 2018 is tricky, as the original is beloved and really problematic. Genderswapping it is a start. But maybe they should have also made it funny. Just a thought. (Opens April 13th.)
Solo: A Star Wars Story: Ron Howard Isn’t An Encouraging Move
Look, we loved The Last Jedi. And there was a time when we were pretty pumped about the young Han Solo spinoff. But that was when Phil Lord and Christopher Miller, the directing duo behind behind 21 Jump Street and The LEGO Movie, were at the helm. Once they were forced out mid-shoot, our hopes for this being a charismatic crowdpleaser with a gleeful goofiness and sparkling stunts dwindled. Look, Ron Howard is a solid director. But we want more than competent for Star Wars. And when’s the last time he made a film that was knock your socks off thrilling? 2006’s The Da Vinci Code? 1995’s Apollo 13? 1988’s Willow? (Opens May 25th.)
Bumblebee: There Is No God
Set in 1987, this coming-of-age adventure stars Hailee Steinfeld as a teen searching for herself and finding a friend in a spirited Volkswagen that’s actually a robo-alien. John Cena and Pamela Adlon co-star. But, look, if this isn’t about the spirited Transformer hunting down Nazis or teaming up with Harriet Tubman to speed the slaves to freedom, why are we even bothering? (Opens December 21st.)
What’s the movie you’re outright dreading that’s hitting theaters in 2018? Sound off in comments.
Kristy Puchko is the managing editor of Pajiba. You can follow her on Twitter.