Kevin Costner's 'Draft Day' Is Worse Than Being Stabbed by Ray Lewis

By Dustin Rowles | Film | April 11, 2014 |

By Dustin Rowles | Film | April 11, 2014 |

Since the career resurrection brought upon by Hatfields & McCoys and playing Jonathan Kent in Man of Steel, Kevin Costner has starred in three films in 2014, each worse than the one before: Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit, Three Days to Kill, and now Draft Day, an insanely awful film that no one should have to suffer through. No one. I doubt Kevin Costner even would even watch this film, and he made The Postman.

Anyone would know how terrible Draft Day is based on the premise alone. It’s about a general manager trying to figure out what to do with this draft picks on NFL Draft Day. The entire TWO HOUR film takes place on Draft Day, beginning at 4:30 a.m. and ending early in the first round. Ask yourself what could possibly happen over the course of a draft day that would make for an interesting film? How many times can we watch Kevin Costner — who plays the GM of the Cleveland Browns — wrestle over who to choose? In the very first five minutes of the film, he trades away his 7th pick in the first round for the first pick, and we spend literally the next hour and a half trying to choose between the smart, safe pick and the pick his heart wants. GUESS WHO HE CHOOSES?

It’s only in the final 20 minutes when Costner attempts to do a little razzle dazzle to turn one first-round pick into another that Draft Day gets slightly more interesting than carpal tunnel syndrome. But even then, the draft picks are telegraphed in the first five minutes of the film. There are two sympathetic draft choices in the film, and one draft choice that’s kind of an ass. I WONDER WHO HE WILL PICK?

Jennifer Garner is also in this, for some reason, playing the salary cap executive who is boning Costner’s character, because that obviously makes a ton of sense in someone’s addled mind. Denis Leary plays the head coach, who scowls for about 45 minutes. Jonah from Veep is in it, mostly for goofy reaction faces. Sam Elliott has one scene. ONE SCENE. Terry Crews has two. Frank Langella has a moment or three as the team owner. And there’s a lot of NFL commentators — Chris Berman, Jon Gruden, Deion Sanders, Mel Kiper — who annoy you in real life by saying insipid things saying even more insipid things, only you paid $10 for it and you can’t hit the mute button.

As terrible and annoying as this movie is, maybe the most annoying thing about the damn film is that Kevin Costner pronounces “inane” with a long I. WHO EVEN DOES THAT? Why didn’t someone fix that in post? Did no one hear the man while he was delivering his lines say EYE-NANE like some goddamn fool? I hope someone got fired over that.

Ivan Reitman directed Draft Day, and God bless him for Ghostbusters and Stripes and Meatballs and even Dave, but for the love of Christ, man: Stop making movies. My Super Ex-Girlfriend? No Strings Attached? Six Days Seven Nights? Father’s Day? Just cut it out, brother. Go home. Count your money. Go to a college party with Bill Murray. Just stop directing films, because they’re killing the souls of movie critics, who are the only people that end up seeing the damn things.