Look, I’m sorry. After waking up to a steaming cup of Singer and that infuriating Covington chaser, I’ve spent the last few hours searching for some form of digital happiness to share with you, to counteract all the wrong today. And nothing’s cutting it. I mean, Harvey Weinstein was denied his bid to pause the class action lawsuit against him, which is great — but reading about it required me to look at his irradiated wombat face again, so it was a net loss for my sanity and stomach contents. Alec Baldwin is gonna be enrolled in some anger management courses after he pled guilty to second-degree harassment, stemming from that time he shoved a guy over a parking space. And though I’m sure sending Alec Baldwin to anger management is a good thing, I still feel like reading about rich dude parking fights isn’t healthy for any of us.
And then… this happened. “This” being the red-band trailer for Harmony Korine’s latest celluloid STD, The Beach Bum, in which Matthew McConaughey achieves his final evolution and Jimmy Buffett, I assume, plays himself. Also around for the sun-drenched debauchery are Zac Efron’s facial hair, Jonah Hill’s questionable accent, Captain Martin Lawrence, Isla Fisher doing the best she can, and… Snoop Dogg playing a character named “Lingerie.”
Take it away, trailer!
Now, this is not necessarily a “good thing” by any metric other than the skewed ones of today. But it IS good, to me, because you see… this film will be premiering at the SXSW Festival in March. A festival attended by several Overlords. And literally the only joy we’ve had today has been gleaned from Seth threatening to nuke this site unless Dustin agrees to sit through this movie and review it — a task that seems to be a special kind of torture for our dear boss. In his review of Spring Breakers, Dustin described Korine’s films thusly:
They don’t make any goddamn sense, but that’s OK because they are challenging, hard to watch, and obstinately dull, except when they are shaken awake by a burst of gunfire or a coherent line of dialogue that snaps you out of your gluttonous stupor.
Gee, I think he’s secretly kind of into them!
So I’m sorry if this is all too “insider baseball” for you — but in my defense, you could ignore everything I’m saying and focus on the fact that there’s a coked-up parrot in the trailer. And if that’s not enough, here’s the Lisa Frank on LSD-esque poster, featuring actual goddamn cartoon dolphins because DRUGS Y’ALL:
Anyway, I’m gonna go light my genitals of fire. It’s the only way to be sure this thing doesn’t spread. See ya in March, McConaughey!
Header Image Source: NEON/Vice