00:00:00: Death Race 2, also known as Death Race: Frankenstein Lives, is the direct to DVD prequel to 2008’s Death Race, which was allegedly a prequel to 1975’s Death Race 2000. It’s not a video game movie, but it damn well should be. Death Race 2 gives us the backstory on the character Frankenstein, the mysterious metal-faced driver who died in the first scenes of Death Race. I don’t want to type the word Death Race anymore. Our Blockbuster gift card was sacrificed to the lone rental store still located in Burbank. I pulled and pulled on the handle, wondering why the hell the store was closed at 9 PM on a Tuesday. That’s when the employee gestured that it was a PUSH door. I had finally entered the proper level of mental mediocracy to appreciate this fine piece of cinematic entertainment. On Unrated Blu-ray no less.
00:00:21: Hard rock and the Universal logo getting demolished by flaming chunks of rock and cinders. You bastards! That was our planet! You blew it up! You BLEW IT UP! YOU DAMN DIRTY SEQUEL MONGERING APES!!!!
00:00:27: The U.S. Prison system reached its breaking point. I love the alternative prison hells of the future. No Escape, Running Man, Deadlock. I think our appeals system should be based on gladiatorial combat.
00:00:46: All prisons are privatized by corporations. The Weyland Corporation owns Terminal Island, which takes it’s name from FOX’s failed attempt at a competitive dating show featuring cancer patients.
00:01:14: Danny Trejo comes out in the opening scene and pulls off his shirt, just in case you forgot he’s covered in tattoos. If you’re gonna make a prison movie, you need to cast at least one tat-covered Mexican. It’s actually in the SAG bylaws.
00:01:28: Thank God the skinhead has a big swastika on the back of his bald head. Is this how we’re identifying characters now? Stereotyping is old hat. So now, we put big pictures on our convicts like a McDonald’s combo menu.
00:01:35: Black guys get a basketball.
00:01:48: First line of dialogue, and it’s a racial slur. Against Asians. Prison has become a Bennetton ad. We’ve got every race represented. Because it’s a prison. I’m giving the Asians the odds on dying first in the race. Because it IS a driving movie.
00:01:58: Danny Trejo’s character is named Goldberg?! Like the delicious Peanut Chews? Shalom, motherfuckers.
00:02:13: RAAAAAAACCCEE WWWAAAAAARR!!! Russians fighting blacks, Asians fighting the skinheads. Danny Trejo is actually filming another project off screen.
00:02:27: Aha! Broadcasting directing from the penitentiary walls. This is our future. We’ll just combine Reality TV with CNN. FOX News is pretty much there already.
00:02:45: Are the prison guards wearing Darth Vader helmets? I like the cut of their jib. Fuck prisoners rights. They just gun everyone down and then deal with the corpses later.
00:03:00: A lot of actors are returning from the original. Fred Koehler, who played the fidgety pit crewman Lists — he was Schillinger’s son on “Oz” and one of the sons in Mr. Mom. True story: I play D&D with the other son from Mr. Mom. Taliesin Jaffe. Great guy. Hell of a wizard. And Liu Kang from Mortal Kombat, Robin Shou, back as 14K.
00:03:03: Good. No point in having an attractive female newscaster if she’s not supposedly porking her way to the top. Without Joan Allen, I fear for the feminist message of Death Race: Speeding Unto The Target Bargain Bin.
00:03:19: Thank God for the slo-mo appearance of a helicopter. As with all action movies, we get mundane shit in slo-mo and action sequences sped up to the point where you can’t see jack shit. I blame Stallone and his Rambo prep. Also he was in Death Race 2000. That’s Oscar winner Sylvester Stallone, I remind you.
00:03:40: Lookie that. All it takes to quell a televised prison race riot is the appearance of a single helicopter. It’s kinda like a Dad yelling, “Don’t make me come back there!” You know, when there’s a race riot in the back seat of a cross country traveling minivan.
00:03:41: I’m glad they saved money by drying out and reusing the set from Waterworld for the prison. Privatize industry and everything made out of rusted out sheet metal from the Thunderdome and South American shanty towns.
00:03:58: Sean Bean. So it’s come to this. You’re the actor sacrificing your dignity and career in place of Joan Allen for this sequel. He lives on a palatial estate with a topless supermodel. Titties are the new welcome to the neighborhood fruit basket from Rodeo Realty.
00:04:03: Enter Luke Goss, who is clearly Not Jason Statham. They look like they just replaced everyone in the original with their stand-ins. You idiots! These are not them! You’ve captured their STUNT DOUBLES!
00:04:08: Goss usually plays elves for Guillermo Del Toro.
00:04:37: Topless girl! Don’t you dare laugh at that shitty soccer banter! Sean Bean gonna have to break a Hobbit off in your ass.
00:05:09: So he’s a bank robber. He really was written into the script as “Just do what ever Jason Statham has done, Not Statham.” I wonder if he’ll have to hook his heart up to the car battery to keep the Death Race running.
00:05:16: Oh, I love this setup. “You’re my best bank robber/thief/assassin, etc., I know you’ve completed hundreds of robberies successfully doing things your way with your crew. But I think you’ll be just fine taking a completely green crew of scared punk wild cards into this ONE. LAST. JOB. Especially if one is my nephew/son/brother. Sure, we could just as easily give him a cut the money instead of risking his life and yours, but hey, this seems like the right thing to do.” I guess if you give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day, but if you teach a man to rob banks, he’ll end up in Death Race 2.
00:05:38: Here’s your getaway car. A two door Shelby GT 500 Mustang, painted up with yellow and black stripes. We made it out of every cool car movie car from the last decade. If you get into trouble, push this button on the steering wheel and it’ll transform into a robot and shoot lasers at the police.
00:06:09: The more obvious you are, the less suspicious you appear. That way, when you get to the robbery and have to scooch the seat forward to let one of the passengers out of the rear seat to heist the place, you won’t stand out. I mean, we know he’s pretty much going to prison, but Jesus Fucking Balls, how about giving him a fucking fighting chance?
00:06:32: I wonder if Sean Bean agreed to shoot the film if they did all the scenes at his house. I hope he lives in a badass palatial estate for real. That’s apparently located deep in logging country.
00:06:50: High heels and a short skirt on an escalator? Lady, you’re a Cake song waiting to happen.
00:07:00: If you absolutely positively need a dark black man in a suit, call Ving Rhames. He’s the Ernie Hudson of Samuel L. Jacksons.
00:07:13: The warden’s an old Irishman. There’s probably a joke in there, but I not going to belittle my people for your fucking amusement, you harridans.
00:07:28: That’s the second time in five minutes a female character laughed at a male character laughed and got the “bitch, I’m gonna slap you” glare. Granted, every female character comes directly from the glossy pages of Maxim and Fully Loaded magazine, but Jesus Tapdancing Christ, how many times do I have to tell you people? Women are things.
00:07:41: “What you call a nightmare, I call a wet dream.” I love when films have that dramatic pause where all the character look at each like, “Can you fucking believe someone got paid to write this shit?” And that someone is Tony Giglio, director of Timber Falls, featuring my friend T.W. Leshner.
00:07:50: Racist ol’ me thought Ving Rhames would be subjected to the Not Tyrese role of Machine Gun Joe, but he’s playing the CEO of the Weyland Corporation. Instead, the Not Tyrese is being played by that guy who was just awful in Doom.
00:08:16: “You can’t duplicate that kind of hate you have in your prisons. It’s pure.” Clearly, you haven’t been reading Pajiba.
00:08:45: Climbing out of a Shelby GT in front of a bank. Did you see the getaway car? It was a bright yellow Mustang? We’ll never find it now, Harrigan! There must be thousand of them in this generic nameless city!
00:08:52: Holy shit. The bank says METROPOLIS. They’re bankrobbing in Superman’s hood? That’s fucking bush league. They’re clearly taking advantage of the opportunity between series reboots. It’d be awesome if Brandon Routh showed up and punched a hole in their car. Not even as Superman. Just as Brandon Routh.
00:09:00: The police showed up. This isn’t a donut shop. Angry Black Lady would be there if it were.
00:09:40: You know, the News Chick was just bitching about fake fighting, and now we’ve got Not Statham doing senior citizen self-defense on the two cops.
00:09:55: “I never held a gun in twenty years robbing for your uncle.” When did you start, when you were in the fucking Apple Dumpling Gang?
00:10:20: The nephew gets popped! That’s one way of taking care of the two-door getaway conundrum.
00:10:27: His retaliation: a slo-mo shooting of a cop. Who drops in slo-mo. This is a very slomotional scene. He stares longingly at the downed guard for a solid minute. While a gunfight erupts behind him. These kids have an Uzi and a shotgun and couldn’t hit shit if they swung a bat under their assholes.
00:10:53: Fatal, lifechanging event brought to you by Enya and that chick wailing during “Heroes.”
00:11:25: Enough sad bastard music. It’s time for the hardass rock riffs over some badass stunt driving.
00:12:10: Stuntdriving seems to involve a lot of slo-motion drift turns. Now they’re tearassing through a farmer’s market. Take that, sustainable ecofarmers! Up yours, you crunchy granola fucks!
00:12:16: Ha! One of the cops ran down a hippie. I like the police in this film and their kill ‘em all disregard for the general public.
00:12:47: Dropping grenades during a high speed chase in a shot that would give Troy Duffy wood.
00:13:00: When we explode, we do it in fiery slo-mo. This flick would be about four minutes if they kept everything at proper speed.
00:13:20: Fuck crying in baseball. There’s no stopping in the middle of a high speed chase. What kind of second rate Transporter are you?
00:13:26: I clearly saw the crew running over with boom mics and a camera rig in the shot. I guess it’s supposed to be a “news crew.”
00:13:30: Loud sirens. Explosions. And yet the extras are walking around like it’s Arbor Day.
00:14:33: Enraged, Sean Bean rips his plasma TV off the wall rigging. Or struggles as he attempts to rip it off the wall. You can’t dramatically take out contact lenses, and you can’t enragedly shatter a wall-mounted TV.
00:15:08: Metropolis Motor Freeway, to be completed December 2018. By the two extras they could afford to wear construction worker gear.
00:15:24: Another Baysplosion. The director on this is Roel Reine, a protege of Paul Verhoeven. He’s directed such classes as The Marine 2, Adrenaline, and the upcoming Scorpion King sequel, which will star mostly WWE and UFC champions and Victor Webster, my co-star in the “Bones” episode I was in.
00:15:33: If you’re gonna get life in prison, make sure to surrender with a giant fireball flaring in the background.
00:15:50: Why is it always raining when prisoners debus in movies? It’s at least a 75% chance of precipitation if your ass is going to the hooscow.
00:15:54: And here’s Fred Koehler, Rain Man-ing it in the rain. I don’t remember his character being so blatantly autistic in the first film. I just thought he had a stutter.
00:16:57: Phew! For a moment, I thought they wouldn’t have the requisite spray cleaning with a hose and delousing powder. You know that’s the crews favorite day on set. Take that, ya fuckin’ actor jerks!
00:18:00: We didn’t want to pay extra, so your sentencing and arraignment are going to be done in internal voiceover monologue. But he’s not a rat. Going into prison forever because he’s loyal to his extremely rich boss. This is always respected. Clearly, he won’t be killed.
00:18:15: The character’s name is Carl Lucas. His nickname is “Luke”? But that’s the actor’s name! What do you want to bet they did that to cover mistakes where they accidentally called him by his real name?
00:19:47: Hurry up. It’s Pit Fighting Monday. Tuesday’s we do Movies. Thursday, we take Ballroom or Tap.
00:20:16: The arena looks like someone parked a burned out Bookmobile Bus on top of the set for an off-Broadway version of the rooftop fight from West Side Story. And these guys are fighting with steampunked weapons made out of machine shop parts. I guess you want to rip off “Spartacus” and work your way up to the car racing.
00:20:36: Lists rattling off stats. 14K has 14 arena kills. So wait, he doesn’t kill anyone between now and the next film which was the last one? And they named Not Tyrese’s character Big Bill. He’s got 19 kills.
00:20:48: Seriously?! The fucking news reporter’s name is September Jones? That’s worse than Christmas Jones. And she was a former Miss America stripped of her crown because she allegedly fucked all the judges. Just once, just once, can we have a female hot character who doesn’t have to fuck her way upwards? Can she just get there by being a ruthless intelligent bitch?
00:21:10: Nice. They’re using the same graphics and voiceover from the first film. That’s green filmmaking right there. And I love this promo shot of Danny Trejo’s lady tat covered in blood and gore. Other than the cop lying in a pool of blood, it’s the first blood I’ve seen. In the UNRATED version of Death Race 2.
00:21:19: For a broadcast journalist, she’s sure letting her face appear all blown out under the spotlights.
00:21:28: Xander Grady, the skinhead is first up. With the video game stats like last time. Favorite weapon: Sprocket Axe. Criminal History: Murder, Rape, Assault.
00:21:54: Vs. 14K. Murder, Armed Robbery, RICO. His favorite weapon? THE MIND.
00:22:09: No fucking way. So it’s arena combat, but you have to stand on those stupid weapon power-up plates from the first movie to unlock access to weapons on the rusted out bus. The weapons all made from car parts. It’s like if Gladiator was sponsored by Motor Trend.
00:22:24: And instead of slutty navigators, we’ve got slutty ring girls.
00:22:37: They started the fight before the girls left! If only they decapitated one of them, it’s make them more than just eye candy.
00:22:40: More frenetic cutting and constantly moving cameras during the shitty fight sequences. The problem here with this being a prequel is that we know 14K can’t die. He’s in the first movie, which takes place after this second movie. So all the excitement about possibly seeing a brutal decap or limb elimination? Gone. Plus, they all have to drive later.
00:23:09: The lady September froze up the 14K panel so he couldn’t get the weapon power-up. Again, if there was a risk he could die, this’d be great. But instead, he’s going to run away from the big zany Nazi with the clockwork axe.
00:23:41: He’s managed to snag a spiked mace made out of, I don’t know, a distributor and a shield made from a car door. After “Spartacus,” this shit’s like watching Canadian football.
00:24:09: Fight’s already over. Hopefully Liu Kang will ask him, “Live or die, man.” And then he’ll honk his nose.
00:24:39: What the fucks?! He didn’t even kill him! He faked a fucking submission. C’mon. You’re making an unrated B-movie called Death Race and you’re bitching out on the blood sausage? FUCK YOU.
00:25:05: Uh-oh. Not Natalie Morales is making goo goo eyes at Not Statham. That smacks of love interest. Danny Trejo approves, ese.
00:26:17: Ving Rhames shows up at the prison to demand better ratings. Fuck, why doesn’t he just get up in there and bust some heads himself? And News Lady’s sad because her vagina’s old news to Ving.
00:26:43: Rain Man’s trying to explain to Not Statham that it’s weird that Liu Kang didn’t FINISH HIM. But even the script doesn’t care anymore.
00:26:54: It’s always hard picking your lunchroom seats on the first day of prison. The geeks, the tweeks, the hosers, the spazzes, the dweebs? Or do you just sit alone like a righteous dude?
00:27:22: Apparently, he’s been assigned to team Mexican. As a Latina female feminist scholar, clearly I approve.
00:27:30: Finally, they acknowledge the Mexican Jew that is Goldberg. Trejo claims to have killed all the other Mexican Jews. Guess that shit works like Highlander. Or Dachau. I get the feeling he went into the audition and just pointed at the script and said, “I’m playing that part.” And the casting director was like, “But, but that’s for a Jewish—” And then Trejo flexed. And got the part.
00:27:55: It’s time for a rap song. The warden wants to see Not Statham. I would’ve paid cash money if they played “It’s A Hard Knock Life.” Even more if the prisoners spontaneously broke into song.
00:29:15: The warden called him in to tell him that his boss is going to have him killed. He couldn’t have sent that shit in a note? Brother’s gotta eat.
00:29:25: You get the feeling the director told Not Statham, “Every time a guard touches you, struggle and curse. It’ll look real cool.”
00:30:00: They work in the machine shop. So Danny Trejo’s the Ian McShane of this film. Bold choice. I thought for some reason he’d be the Robert LaSardo, Grimm. Those two have never been in the same movie because the awesomeness would cause everyone to instantly birth twenty cholos.
00:30:35: So there’s a machine shop full of cars that they melt down for scrap to make weapons. And now, they are tossing Not Statham the keys. Because when your prison is an island, you’ve got no qualms about a convicted murderer joyriding in a beater.
00:30:48 And to the strains of “Black Betty,” he’s cruising around the course from Death Race. And the News Lady sees it. And that’s the origin of that, says Moe Szyzlak.
00:31:50: Why would you fix a car you’re melting for scrap? Oh, whatever, brain boy! DEATH RACE! CARS! BOOM!
00:32:37: Sharpened toothbrushes. The shank of choice of discerning prisoners. Big Bill tries to shank Not Statham. And New Lady saw. Guess who’s about to Crixusized?
00:34:12: If you put Carl Lucas on national television as a fighter in your shitty Death Match, you’ll be giving up where he is to the crime boss, Sean Bean. At this point, you think, hey! What a perfect opportunity to craft the Frankenstein persona, you know, throw a mask on him so that he couldn’t possibly be identified. But no, instead, we’re going to have an extended shower scene.
00:35:28: I thought for sure this movie was going to pull an Eastern Promises with a naked shower fight between Not Statham and Not Tyrese. Instead, they pulled a Major League with News Lady seduce-o-taunting a naked Not Statham. You will fight, or I will probably flirt with you more, naked man!
00:37:58: Perhaps, News Lady thinks, I’ll get more ratings if I tart myself up like a Thai ladyboy? For a newscaster and a former Miss America, this bitch knows approximately jack diddley dick about proper makeup application.
00:38:13: Randomly selecting audience members for a fight? Why this seems entirely spontaneous and not at all scripted! Except for the whole having pre-made title cards for the fighters with their stats and junk.
00:38:17: Big Bill’s crimes: Murder, Armed Robbery, Assault, Arson., Sexual Abuse, Income Tax Evasion, Kidnapping Possession. Favorite weapon: Anything within reach. Why’s it say rape twice? I like rape. Are you chewing gum? No, that only happened in a much better movie.
00:38:37: And they choose for his opponent…Lists? Who’s never fought before, but still has a title card. His crime? Matricide. And with no attempts and no kills, his murder board rank is #10? What the fudge? This league is pretty beat.
00:38:43: Not Statham wants to fight for Lists. They guy he keeps ignoring and telling to go away. I guess he just plum has a soft spot for that golldurn retard.
00:38:56: Again, this would be way more dramatic and interesting if we didn’t know that Lists has to survive because he’s in the other movie. Otherwise, it will rip a hole in the space time continuum that not even Sam could patch. Though that would be badass if Scott Bakula suddenly flashed in and found himself in the middle of terrible mock prison arena combat.
00:39:24: This’ll definitely boost your ratings! Who doesn’t want to watch a fight between a wuss and a deranged homicidal maniac? It’s like that famous bout between Tyson and Hugh Grant.
00:39:36: Cue the Drowning Pool! A bitchslap that draws digital blood makes Not Statham pissed enough to climb into the arena for vengeance. Danny Trejo says, “Motherfucker’s crazy!…But cool.” Remember, kids, a PROFESSIONAL screenwriter wrote this.
00:40:30: Uh-oh. Big Bill’s on the bus. He’s got the “brand-new, mind-blowing” weapon. Which is…a flamethrower? How is that a cool gladiator weapon? Oh look at that. Once more, fire trumps bloodshed. Clearly these people do not understand gladiatorial fundamentals.
00:41:03: Quick! Hide from the plumes of fire behind the tank marked Aviation Gasoline! Because it says Warning: Inflammable. So it won’t be flammable. Right? RIGHT?!
00:41:14: And once again, The Man cheats the brother in the Game of Life. By activating a sensor and giving him access to…another flamethrower.
00:41:33: A flamethrower fight is not as cool as it sounds on paper. But that’s okay. A race war is about to break out anyway.
00:41:48: Our shoddly crafted set is falling apart under the frenetic machinations of our extras! Keep it, it’ll look cool.
00:42:09: Are you fucking kidding me? There’s a pressure plate that shoots fire extinguisher? This fucking game is rigged. Like Boggle.
00:42:33: Great idea. Protect yourself from superheated fireball jets with a huge metal car door shield. Science is not your friend.
00:43:05: Wait?! You mean if you send a bunch of sluttly dressed women into a room full of rapists they’re probably gonna get raped? It’s logic like this that makes the Republican Congress try to redefine rape. No matter. Not Natalie Morales is there to dispense street justice. Which involves more bad fight choreography.
00:43:35: The warden shuts down the broadcast. But they had an 84 share! I don’t know what that means either! You can’t buy publicity like that! And the stormtroopers have entered to quell the race riot by busting heads.
00:44:29: Uh-oh. Sean Bean sees that his hit on Luke “Luke” hasn’t been carried out. Looks like another television is going to get awkwardly destroyed.
00:44:53: Do they not allow anesthesia in prisons? A demurely draped Not Statham gets sewed up by a vaguely European sounding doc. I’d bet money it’s one of Reine’s buddies in for a day just getting a chance to dick around on set.
00:45:11: This is the end of Death Match. And Thank Christ. Because the really shitty fight choreography can’t be saved no matter how much Linkin Park you play.
00:46:00: Time for a little embarrassing romantic banter between Not Statham and Not Natalie.
00:47:00: Sean Bean pops his underling in the forehead in one of the slowest slo-mo headshots in the history of cinema. Jesus, how much debris is flying out the barrel? Did he cap him with a blunderbuss? That’s what you get for Not Killing Not Statham. You get medievally whacked. By Boromir.
00:47:55: Throwing out the Sexual Harassment card, eh there, Tits McGee? News Lady wants to end Death Match because she’s got an awesome new idea, right? And after almost an hour of this movie called Death Race 2, it’s probably going to be…a death race?
00:49:09: One million to whoever kills Not Statham. Otherwise he’s going to kill everyone who failed him. Which is coincidentally the contract and budget for this film.
00:49:44: What this film needs now is a Death Race! On that big open track that’s inexplicably on our prison island. And now we watch the genesis of Death Race. For those folks who couldn’t follow the complexities of the first Death Race.
00:50:50: Ving Rhames wants to bust it out all Price is Right and shit. Barabbas, motherfuckers! We free the killers if they win five races. Because that’s how all society should be based. You may have raped and killed and evaded your taxes. But if you’re a good driver, we’ll let it slide. This time.
00:52:48: DEATH RACE. Nine cars with pit crews and 18 cons ready to race? What?! They have to run to the cars and the first nine who climb in a car get to race? That’s the stupidest fucking idea in a movie that’s full of stupid fucking ideas.
00:54:25: Oh, lookie. Each car comes equipped with a random hoochie mama in the passenger seat. I hear that’s what Lexus is doing with their Drive and Get Road Head sales event.
00:55:24: Not Statham gets the Frankenstein car. The guy who tried to climb in jumps on the hood and gets thrown clear. His head exploded with digital blood which is clearly missing in the wide shot.
00:55:38: Not Statham just happened to get the car with Not Natalie Morales and with his friends on the pit crew! What are the odds.
00:56:18: Black Guy in the big Ram truck, ala Machine Gun Joe. Asian guy got the Porsche. All the same trucks more or less from the first Death Race.
00:56:21: What the fuck? They’ve all got title cards with them posing in front of their vehicles. How the fuck are there title cards if they random selected drivers in random vehicles? Goddammit, that’s the sloppiest fuckign bullshit and makes this movie even more shittarded.
00:57:14: Look at that! Xander and 14K managed to get cars too! It’s like…all the stereotypes are represented.
00:57:39: Powerups! Hopefully he finds the turtle shell. Otherwise, he’s fucked running out front.
00:58:10: Christ. The fat redneck is actually named Hill Billy. This isn’t based on a videogame, because nobody would have been that fucking lame.
00:58:44: And just like that, Hill Billy is toast. Literally. Once again, with bulletproof glass and armor plating, the movie is going to rely on explosions for all of the kills. And not body part explosions. Stupid, PG-13, Michael Baynis kabooms. Weak.
00:58:55: According to Lists, stock car racing got its start during prohibition when moonshine runners fled the cops. A redneck from Florida invented in 1947. Also, the human head weighs 8 pounds!
00:59:10: The driver here is named Scarface. The other driver is named Apache. Is there a missing driver named Canuck or The Wily Finn? Oh, no, he’s called The Sheik.
00:59:51: Scarface goes boom. Another fucking exploding car.
01:00:17: Big Bill is like getting chased by a Tyler Perry movie. He keeps gabbing in black stereotypes. “Mmm hmm. I’m gonna getchoo, boy. You ass is mine.”
01:00:46: This guy, Apache, climbed out of his car and jumped on to Sheik’s car, and then shived the driver through the open window, the leapt back out on to his car. That’s new.
01:01:55: We forget about the women in the cars who are also exploding. God rest their silicon.
01:02:42: Now Not Natalie is climbing out of the car, ripping the chaingun off the hood, and firing it back at Big Bill. It’s times like this, with drivers leaving their vehicles, that more people should explode like plastic bags full of meat.
01:03:00: Hey. Not Statham won the race. Woo.
01:04:44: Just in case you missed it. The black guy hates the white guy, and the skinhead hates the Asian.
01:05:49: Not Statham is dragged out of his cell in to the old Death Match arena. Ving Rhames is acting as lanista. They brough out Not Natalie Morales for him to fuck. Like the old gladiators. Congratulations, I’m giving you a sport fuck. If you’re gonna rip off “Spartacus” do it right. Ving Rhames thinks he’s Caesar.
01:07:00: This is the worst. Now it’s time for an arbitrary sex scene. Time for them to fuck in a junkyard which is usually televised. This is the worst prisoner driving movie related sex scene since Charlie Sheen and Kristy Swanson in The Chase.
01:08:00: Quickie, eh? Sixty-second man.
01:09:00: The News Lady found out about the bounty on Not Statham’s head. So she’s putting him in solitary.
01:09:50: Now Not Natalie’s getting a post coital talk with Sean Bean. If you kill Not Statham, I’ll grant you wishes. Freedom and money. Don’t believe him! He tried to steal the One Ring from Frodo!
01:11:11: It’s amazing how we almost keep seeing almost naked women. At least the Warden’s getting fired. Now shit’s gonna get real.
01:12:30: I think this is the first time in the entire movie that News Lady has worn something other than a skirt or dress.
01:13:13: Your boss just put a million dollars bounty on your head, fool. You know what that means? These cons are gonna be trying to kill you, like they would have anyway, so you best not try to die, like you were going to try to do anyway. THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING.
01:14:24: Boy, awkward. We just had sex on a bus but now, what do we talk about?
01:15:38: I realized almost all the weapons are based on Spy Hunter more or less. Oil slick, smoke screen, machine gun, missles.
01:16:20: FINALLY. Someone gets out of their car and gets driven into metal spikes. And it’s still not that bloody. “Spartacus” has ruined me for automotive combat.
01:17:03: The weird maybe Russian guy smashed into a pillar. A perfect time to show someone liquefying into a paste. The more I watch this film, the more I pine for “Twisted Metal” on the PS3. Oh, Sweet Tooth, where are you to distribute much needed rocket launched ice cream truck clown justice?
01:17:30: So that Russian guy survived? Only to have his car get shot up and yet another boring ass explosion. Robert LaSardo got turned to fucking Dinty Moore in the last one. Why are you not ramping up the violence? Three half-assed tit shots and we’re supposed to be impressed? Unrated my fat aunt Fanny.
01:17:44: All that remain are the 14K, Xander the skinhead, Big Bill, and Not Statham. I wish NASCAR worked like that.
01:18:12: 14K’s car flip! It looks like he might be next to die! If he wasn’t clearly in Death Race and thus fated to live. Maybe he’s a cyborg sent from the future to impregnate Sarah Conner and then die in a fiery auto crash in the prequel that happens after thALJ:GAJLKNAFGLNAK
01:18:46: Not Statham’s going back to save 14K from sudden death at the hands of Xander. “What are you doing? What are you saving him?” “I have to! He’s in the SEQUEL.” Is that accurate? If the second movie is a prequel, does the original retroactively become the sequel?
01:19:29: Now that Xander’s disabled, 14K’s going to kill him….with fire. Their revenge quest is complete. So what if both of their navigators were brutally murdered? They’ll be ten more “actresses” coming in on the bus from Duluth tomorrow.
01:19:40: There’s nothing I hate like the tossing of a cigarette/lit book of matches/lighter in slo-mo at a puddle of flammable liquid. Plus, you can clearly see the stuntman wearing a flame retardant hood and jumpsuit in the shot.
01:20:40: Someone sabotaged their car! None of the shields or napalm work! Even though, it did in earlier laps. It’s clearly Jesus willing this movie to be over.
01:21:06: And now Tyler Perry car has missles. Because weapons! And we clearly need more asplosions.
01:21:23: He just ejected Not Natalie from the car to spare her. Didn’t Statham do that in the first movie? When they say Paul W.S. Thompson helped write the story, do they mean he handed over the carbon copy of his script?
01:21:46: She’s running after the car now? What is she going to do? Boob it to death?
01:21:50: The missles are heat seekers? Just like those fucking cheater ass turtle shells in “Mario Kart”! Goddamn them. I’m winning the race and your cant drive has to get a booster shot. Motherfucker.
01:22:00: And boom goes the Frankenstein. With yet another horrible explosion.
01:22:20: Haha! Big Bill accidentally fired a missle and blew up his pit crew.
01:22:41: What? The blonde girl navigating for Big Bill just shoved him out of the truck. He has an eyeliner pencil jammed in his eye. And then she ran over his head and crushed it with a squoosh. FINALLY. It took 82 fucking minutes to run someone down.
01:23:00: Uh-oh. Frankenstein’s on fire.
01:23:10: If you’re gonna save him, you’re gonna not want to run in slomotional speed. That’s it. Don’t get help or a fire extinguisher. Just scream and shake your hands. Maybe your hysterical tears will put out the fire.
01:23:36: Good. Here comes the rest of his pit crew. In slo-mo. You burned alive because we wanted to look all dramatical and shit.
01:24:29: Everyone’s bummed. Especially Sean Bean? Why? You just saved a million dollars.
01:24:30: It was the fat guy who cheated and tried to kill him! It’s always the fatty.
01:25:30: An actor portrays brisket. News Lady wants to keep him alive so she can…I have not a fucking clue. Finally have sex with the one guy who turned her down?
01:26:18: Aw. A picture of Joan Allen. The new warden. Who comes highly recommended from Halliburton. And now Death Race will be streaming on the internet.
01:26:30: Be my Frankensty-y-y-ein. Sure, you were totally burned over 85% of your body. And you’re in prison. But I see no reason why you wouldn’t race for me.
01:27:19: We can rebuild him. We have the technology. But he smells like a McRib. Everyone take ten for lunch.
01:28:00: Oooh. The welding at the beginning of the movie was his mask. And thus, was born, Frankenstein. A horribly scarred mess, half the man he once was. Quick, dramatically punch a mirror!
01:29:00: You race for me, or I’ll have that girl you fucked that one time raped by violent criminals and even though she thinks you are dead.
01:29:35: I love how the doctor is bringing out a rusty, smoking hunk of metal like it’s surgical fucking steel and wasn’t just fired up in metal shop.
01:30:16: So instead of protecting his identity with an alter ego in the beginning and preventing all the bounties and revenge, we’re gonna give you one after you’ve been emotionally and physically scarred. Sorry, man, it’s the Batman principal.
01:30:49: All new crew of racers prepping for Frankenstein’s arrival. I’m surprised they didn’t get Tyrese for a cameo. It’s not like he’s doing anything.
01:31:04: God. News Lady is dressed like even more of a whore. She’s dolled up in what a twelve-year-old would dress like for a Pimps N’ Hoes party.
01:31:24: Oh look. She’s broadcasting while standing on the race track. I wonder how this’ll end.
01:31:49: I love how Frankenstein rolls up in an Escalade with rap beats and a slo-mo strut. Tyrese is regretting not getting the rap entrance.
01:33:00: I see that mask, and all I hear is Bruce McCullough saying “Nobody must know my seeeeccrreeeet.”
01:33:15: One lone Asian assassin is taking out Sean Bean’s crew. And the fat guy is showering! Uh-oh. Where’s the ominious riff from Layla while everyone gets whacked?
01:34:15: At least Sean Bean gets a proper gangster moment. Finishes his drink and cigar before he gets murdered.
01:34:33: All the cars take off. But Frankenstein just sitting there. Regretting ever taking this part.
01:35:08: And Lists takes out the fat traitor. He can now add fatricide to his list of crimes.
01:35:27: And finally, Frankenstein smashes into the News Whore, splattering blood everywhere. I was hoping he backed over her, but we’ll have to deal with everyone dying in dramatic slo-mo.
01:36:00: And the Warden buys everyone a round because the bitch is dead.
01:36:40: And now everyone figures out that Frankenstein is Luke. Now that everyone who would kill him is dead. And predictable eye zoom and SCENE! What a shame. I was hoping for a bloody reckless balls to the wall adventure, but without Statham, all that remains is a Twisted Metal shell. Literally.