If you’re looking around the internet for an opinion as to whether or not to see the new Annie, you’re probably going to come up with a lot of emphatic no’s. You may even get a few bits of cheeky wordplay thrown in there, you know, something along the lines of “the sun will NOT come out tomorrow on this sh*t show” or “You’re not gonna like it here.” And they’re right.
Unless they aren’t. Look, I don’t know you. I don’t know your life. Sure, you’re PROBABLY going to hate this movie, the restylizing of a classic that can’t really be called a “remake” as much as a “dumbening.” But maybe there are circumstances that will lead you to if not enjoy, at least tolerate this movie in your life. Who am I to judge? Here are just a few reasons why you could justify subjecting yourself to this autotuned garbage.
You should consider seeing Annie IF:
1. You hate yourself.
2. You actually like yourself, but hate your family/friends/significant other/whoever you’re taking enough to sacrifice your own happiness.
3. You love musicals but think choreography is for elitist Broadway show-offs. Don’t worry about that here. There’s nothing more than the occasional shimmy. Bobby Canavale almost has his unique skills tapped, but is given the dance partner of Cameron Diaz. So no, no one will be outshined here.
4. You like all the characters in the original Annie, but thought there weren’t enough utterly useless, boring backstories.
5. You thought the songs in Annie were okay, but really wanted to hear them distilled to only their choruses, with funky fresh beats piercing through. Also, you thought “Maybe” and “Tomorrow” weren’t earwormy enough as is.
6. You are a seven year old child and have no control over your daily life choices. Maybe you’re saying now, “But I have a seven year old child who desperately wants to see this!” That doesn’t count. For less than the price of one movie ticket, you can stream the original Annie and no one will have their brain poisoned.
7. You think autotune is a perfect substitute (maybe even an improvement) for talent.
8. You’re dying to see the context for this super weird fake movie trailer.
9. You really want see the lovechild of Tony Stark and Donald Trump. Hint: It’s Jamie Foxx’s
Daddy Warbucks Will Stacks.
10. You thought Carol Burnett was too funny. In fact you thought the entire original movie was too funny and too fun. Don’t worry, Will Gluck has removed all traces of fun from this version! Speaking of Gluck, see this movie if…
11. You aren’t really a fan of movies that are “directed.” You prefer directors who have no desire to (or knowledge as to how) use a camera to move a story, or enhance tone or emotion. You like your directors like you like your beer: tasteless and utterly flat.
12. You especially like it when a director takes a bunch of actors that you’ve absolutely loved in other things, and strips them (every single one!) of all charm and— by strange mediocre magic— any vestige of their once-shining talent.
13. You just knew there could be a more boring chase scene than Marky Mark and Zooey Deschanel running from the damn WIND in The Happening. Well, you’ve got it here with a high speed chase following Four Square coordinates.
14. You’re compiling a Worst of 2014 list and would feel guilty if you hadn’t actually seen all your contenders.