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There’s No Neutering in Baseball!

By Brian Prisco | Film | July 16, 2009 |

By Brian Prisco | Film | July 16, 2009 |

00:00:00: Today’s title comes from branded, which goes to show it pays to be my Facebook friend. Not money, but in hugs. When we left off, Josh had gone off to war and was kidnapped by Iranian insurrectionists, and it’s up to Buddy and his army of puppy commandos to track him down and rescue him.

00:01:25: Now the fat referee is some kind of scientist making what appears to be a raccoon fueled bomb. What the ever-loving hell? Is he trying to craft Bolt? There’s some kind of computer program involving a dog. He must have gone to night school to be a supervillain when he wasn’t satiating his lust for young male athletes during the day.

00:01:44: They’re trying to isolate the “super sports gene” to create a super athlete dog. It’s obviously made from Shane Victorino.

00:01:53: So the fat referee and his skinny sidekick are going to kidnap Air Bud and his entire litter of puppies in order to tap them for whatever makes them excel at sports. You know what makes them so good at everything? The retardation of kids. They’ll watch anything. You can get that by collecting drool from any child watching Nick, Jr.

00:02:10: Shooter, Striker, Zach, and Duke — I thought there was a fifth puppy. He must have wanted too much to be in the sequel. Have we learned nothing from Terence Howard? Besides proper anal swiffing?

00:03:09: Now there’s a whole army of Air Buds good at sports. Basketball dog’s the one they called Shooter.

00:03:20: CSK is back with an unholy vengeance! Holy crap these kids did not age gracefully. I guess we can’t all be Jonathan Lipnicki. Dude’s cut like steel oatmeal.

00:03:44: Ouch. The worst was saved for the sister’s best friend, who looks like a Skeksis with red hair. Seriously, chick’s looking like Alec Baldwin in Beetlejuice when he was trying to scare Otho and the gang.

00:03:50: Oh, sweet gravy. Pet Sematary’s out — replaced by Richard “Al from Home Improvement” Karn. I guess they don’t want to start a Family Feud! (I could have wrote this damn movie!) However, George’s mom from “Dead Like Me” managed to survive the sweeping reforms. With a baby? Guess that was her signing bonus.

00:04:33: Andrea and Skeksis are trying to troll for babysitting money! I smell a pupsitting scheme. Mrs. Airbuddydoubtfire.

00:04:45: For some reason, Skeksis and Andrea are throwing gang signs and pinky swears.

00:05:19: See, nobody wants to pay attention to Andrea. There’s a baby and a college bound brother, and a sports dog. I give her a week before she starts cutting herself. It’s what all the Disney girls do!

00:05:30: Richard Karn holding a big plate of grilled meat. That’s gotta be an ad for something. But I don’t know what. I’d probably buy it.

00:05:40: Did they actually get a stunt man for Richard Karn falling from a swarm of dogs? Al, turn in your man card and your healthy beard, you sissy.

00:05:45: It’s back to the original house. Is this like Halloween III, where we’re meant to disregard entirely the events of the third film?

00:06:10: “You gonna miss this place?” Nope, I’m gonna go shoot some zombies in a mall, and then go ruin cinema history by playing Clyde to Hilary Duff’s Bonnie.

00:06:59: They swapped out the photo of Papa Cantland for a picture of the lead actor from J.A.G.

00:08:00: Josh is off to college where without the supersympathetic powers of his wonderdog, he will devolve into frattastic mediocrity with the help of his constant bromantic companion, Creepy Sweaty Kid.

00:08:20: Meanwhile, the series will shift focus on Andrea, who was so bummed her brother was blowing town for a better picture deal, she ran away from home. Now, it’s up to Air Buddy Holmes to find her.

00:08:32: She was hiding in a laundry hamper. If it were my hamper, she would have died, gotten pregnant, and become good at making dick jokes.

00:08:49: She pulled a Little House — the dramatic swoop on to the bed, wracked with sobs. For Christ’s sake, he’s going to a state school, not Nam. He’ll be back in three months, fifteen pounds heavier with a sketchy goatee.

00:08:59: Oh, look. A picture taken yesterday already framed. And publicity still from the first film.

00:09:14: Buddy found her, and decides to nuzzle her vagina as his reward.

00:09:29: Buddy grabbed her by the wrist and dragged her off to see her brother leave. When did Buddy turn into an abusive husband? Must be all the roids they were feeding everyone on the last picture. He’s going all Ben Affleck on her. When will he start crying against the wall he just punched?

00:10:12: I finally found something creepier than Creepy Sweaty Kid: his parents. Ethel and Horace SweatyKid.

00:10:32: There’s too much crying in this baseball movie.

00:11:37: She’s hellbent on catching that bus to say goodbye all of a sudden. Were her cancer test results in the bottom of that hamper?

00:12:10: Andrea thinks she’s going to catch the bus on a Schwinn. Buddy just barked, “I’m too old for this shit.”

00:12:30: Good idea, Buddy. You stand in the middle of the road to stop the bus. Bus drivers always stop for dogs in the middle of the road, right?

00:12:46: You almost killed our gravy train of a dog because you’re too stupid to say goodbye to me like a normal person? I hope you get impetigo while I’m away.

00:13:08: “I don’t want you to go, Josh.” It’s just time, Andrea. I can’t keep making these fucking Air Bud movies. I’m in my twenties. I have ball hair. I want to be in movies where I can yell fuck and piss and cunt. I want to kill things with a hatchet. I want to LIVE! You and this dog are holding me back. Look what it’s done to CSK. He’s in a fucking purple sweatshirt. Now go, before I let the bus driver kill you both and free me from the tyranny of this horrible series at last.

00:13:34: I want you to have Dad’s watch. It used to be in Christopher Walken’s ass. You have no idea what Bruce Willis went through to get this.

00:14:00: And Buddy. I want you to have Dad’s femur. It meant a lot to him.

00:15:00: He put the watch on your wrist five seconds ago. How the hell did it come off already?

00:15:20: Raccoons don’t do sports. There’s a racist joke to be made in there, but damned if I’m willing to go that far. But I have no idea why the animal scientist is using one as his henchmonkey instead of a…henchmonkey.

00:16:06: Air Bud seems awfully fixated on nosing this girl in the snizz. Is that where they’re keeping the kibble?

00:16:18: The mom keeps wearing that baby like Italian Grammas wear rosaries.

00:17:10: Goddammit. You don’t forget your backpack. Air Bud’s not going to be around to save your skinny little ass all the time. He’s gonna die. And soon. That first movie was like seven years ago.

00:18:21: Now Air Bud pups are all over town. It’s like he franchised. No matter how important his mission is, he’s always got time to do the same trick he’s done in every fucking movie: shoot a basketball. It’s like Bijou Phillips and taking off her clothes.

00:18:55: One of the extras fell going up the stairs. I hope that’s on her resume: Girl Falling Up Stairs in Air Bud 4.

00:19:44: Why do they have to make teachers with glasses bitches in all kids’ movies? Does Disney own Lasik?

00:20:11: Holy Christ! Blue from Old School is the Sheriff of Fernfield! You’re my boy, Blue! Remember that line? When they said it in that movie? About that character that this old guy played once? That was great. Patrick Cranshaw’s dead. He played the same sheriff in the next few Air Bud films. His last flick ever was Air Buddies. They killed him. You fucking bastards. You should have taken the girl!

00:20:59: If everybody loves Buddy so goddamn much, why the fuck is Andrea stuck eating lunch with The Skeksis? She should be more popular than free handjob day at the Vietnamese Nail Salon.

00:21:07: Richard Karn is always grilling. It must have been a contractual obligation. If Death’s mom gets to carry a baby like a Kate Spade, then I get to char meat.

00:21:44: That is one red faced little baby. Hang on, little tomato. This movie will be over soon enough.

00:23:00: This could have been Air Bud: Gym Doggie, if she went the Stick It route.

00:23:35: Band didn’t work out for her brother, what the hell was she thinking! She’s no tromboner!

00:24:07: We can do baseball! We’re lesbians! We should automatically be good at softball at the very least. Or field hockey.

00:25:05: Naked baby!

00:25:23: Why are they taking apart Josh’s room? Did he die? Did CSK go all Virginia Tech?

00:26:18: Holy crap. The dog even does diaper changes. He’s a fucking cylon.

00:26:29: I knew it! I knew they’d do the old peeing baby in the face shot on her. That baby’s got a little firehose on him. It’s like the films Andrea’s going to be doing in five or ten years. With Skeksis right behind her.

00:26:59: You can’t piss on hospitality! I won’t allow it! She’s going to do sports to avoid being pissed on by a baby. While more noble than The Snatch, it’s still a piss poor reason. Bwhaha!

00:27:21: A lady coaches the boy’s team. This is when Air Bud tries to affirm it’s grrrlpower stance. Since little boys won’t give a fuck about sports dogs anymore.

00:28:16: Skeksis is a natural at the bay-soo-ball. She’s not afraid of taking a few balls to the chin. That’s her highschool future.

00:29:25: Skeksis is going to be top dog on this team! (This joke brought to you by Maxim, the magazine that encourages all young girls to be boned.)

00:30:06: The pitcher actually winks with a SOUND EFFECT!

00:31:25: Tammy, don’t get the wrong idea, but have you ever seen a grown woman naked?

00:31:44: That’s kinda noble. Skeksis won’t play unless Andrea makes the team. Also, she wants a bag of Big League chew — grape, a signing bonus for recruiting Buddy, and five points on all team merch.

00:32:28: She made the team! All thanks to Skeksis. I hear that’s how Manny Ramirez started his pro career. Because of his BFF.

00:32:30: They keep intercutting shots of this perpetual frat boy pickup game involving Shooter the Dog. Do these guys have jobs, or do they just hang out playing three on three in the middle of the field, trying to sell dimebags to schoolkids?

00:33:22: Here comes the raccoon! The trick is, they unleash the raccoon by throwing a set of keys it fetches, and then the dog chases it into the back of a truck. This is how they manage to steal Shooter the dog. This is a plan that is bound to work at least four more times.

00:34:48: Do they really need to steal the dogs? Can’t they just take some blood and call it a day? I bet the owners would be willing to donate the blood if they asked nice.

00:35:30: My Shooter’s gone missing! My Shooter! Then some sad little who’s on first schtick. This is no time for comedy. I lost ma dog!

00:36:13: Mailman Phil sounds like Jim Carrey doing an imitation of Bruce Campbell.

00:37:05: Holy fuck! Skeksis did a goddamn Geena Davis catcher’s split to snag a baseball. She’s gonna hurt her penis that way. That’s what happened to Geena Davis.

00:37:47: Buddy’s getting no headlines in the Gazette this film. It’s all the Skeksis. Superstar Tammy Does It Again! There’s no I in team, but there is in Skeksis.

00:39:33: Tammy’s the star — and Andrea’s feeling blue. Not the sheriff, the emotion.

00:40:40: So of course Tammy’s going to get injured. Cracked in the elbow by a dick pitcher. Andrea goes in.

00:41:25: It’s alright. You kids play baseball. It’ll take this darling young thing to a nice warm secluded place where we can get her out of these hot clothes and take a proper look at her.

00:41:30: Of course they hit to Andrea. And she knocks over the pitcher trying to catch the fly. Even Buddy was hurt by that screwup.

00:42:40: That pitcher’s one to mouth off. He’s the braindead meatsack who clocked the elbow of the star player because she doesn’t know how to throw a fastball. Also, everyone knows that if you’re backing into a catch and you get called off, you step away. I suck at bay-soo-ball, and I know that.

00:43:05: The baby is trying to eat a baseball. Remember when you were that cute, Andrea? And people cared about you?

00:43:40: Way to support your stepdaughter, Nipples McGee.

00:44:15: Apparently, raccoons are like spanish fly to Air Buds. They must have them! Especially when they’re holding a ring of keys on a clip. Two dogs! Stoled!

00:45:02: The best part of the Skeksis’ house is her little sister just standing against a doorjamb, staring at nothing.

00:45:32: Skeksis is out for the season with a testicular contusion. It’s up to Air Buddy to make Andrea not suck at sports.

00:46:26: Seems like Shooter the dog was the only things holding the Frat Hoop It Up Perpetual Pick Up Game going.

00:46:48: Here’s a thought. Andrea misses a pop-up. Her teammates — five of them — are all groaning from the bench. How the fuck are they sitting on the bench when they’re supposed to be on the field with Andrea?

00:47:33: Oh, noes! They’ve gotten Zack, who foregoes all sports to be a grease monkey. Unless he’s some kind of NASCAR dog? Nah, he’s not drinking beer or making more puppies.

00:48:09: Sold out by her Skeksis! She learned the awful truth. She made the team because of her lesbian sister.

00:48:32: Air Bud will teach you the art of bay-soo-ball.

00:49:07: The soundtrack sounds like it was composed by someone’s drunk uncle who DJs weddings.

00:49:51: You suck, Andrea, but maybe I can use your dog. Holy fuck, he can hit baseballs by holding the bat in his mouth and turning his head.

00:51:29: Duke, the last dog, is gone! That leaves just Buddy and they’ve collected the entire set to sell on eBay.

00:52:44: Great. Let the fucking dog play baseball. He’s gotta be better than A-Rod.

00:53:35: And so naturally we’ll let the worst player pitch. It’s not that important a position. And we’ll put the dog at first base. And we’ve got a chimp in a folding chair on second. What about these Siamese twins? Third base.

00:53:55: Skeksis’s mom totally has a femmullet. There is no hope for grandchildren outside of adoption or a turkey baster full of sperm.

00:55:34: This might actually be the dumbest one yet. I can understand catching. And even fielding to an extent. But batting? The fuck?

00:56:19: Uh-oh. She dropped her father’s watch. It was the source of all her magic. Okay, well. It’s just a watch, but still it’s like $65.

00:57:05: The new nursery means your brother is never welcome in this house again. Take the hint for when you go to college, Andrea.

00:57:40: Just because we’re changing Josh’s room doesn’t mean we’re getting rid of Josh. He’s just going to be in a better class of movie from now on.

00:58:48: Found out the big championship game is today from a newspaper article, did you, Al? That’s some quality stepparenting. Don’t you have a gazebo to finish?

00:59:21: It’s the championship game, so it’s about time for the ridiculous thieving subplot to steal Buddy so he misses it, only to return in the 11th Hour for victory.

01:00:00: You know, Andrea’s getting all high and mighty with the Skeksis because she schemed to get her on the team. Now that she’s half-assed, she’s acting like her shit don’t stink. Bite her fucking face off, Skeksis!

01:00:51: That diabolical raccoon nabbed the watch and Buddy’s chasing after him while Skeksis and Whinyass have their Hallmark moment in center field.

01:01:16: Oh my God, Velma! It was the fat referee the whole time! He’s always been trying to get my fruity pebbles! This movie is melting my fucking skull with its’ stupid.

01:01:21: To the bikes! We caught a bus, we should be able to catch a fat bearded man and his nerdling assistant in a shitbox car.

01:01:42: Surely we’ll be safe once we reach our mobile home fortress of solitude! No one can possibly breach our indestructible aluminum siding!

01:03:36: Let’s take this shortcut since we have absolutely no idea who we’re chasing or where they’re going and just hope it all works out. Fuck your bruised elbow, Skeksis. It’s go time.

01:04:23: Geez, mom, it’s the championship game and your child, their best friend, and the dog are all missing. Good thing this hasn’t happened before. Three times in fact. Wait, it happens EVERY FUCKING MOVIE. How do they let you keep having children?

01:04:55: I don’t care if you only have eight players. This climatic final game has to start.

01:06:31: A sliding Enterprise style door on a mobile home? Where’d you buy this thing? Zaphod?

01:07:08: It’s gonna be a dog vs. raccoon showdown. The winner? Anyone who’s not watching this movie.

01:07:13: Yeah, that’s right, raccoon. I have your keys. Now give me the watch! And get me out of this cage! And give me a ride into town! Or you won’t see this extremely commonplace trinket again!

01:08:33: The chase is on! But in reverse! Even though we’ve probably theoretically extracted whatever sort of genetic data we need for our cockamamie experiment, we still need those dogs for some inexplicable reason! To the shitbox!

01:09:42: The baseball game’s going poorly. And in case you missed the last two minutes of action, the girls and the dog are still running from the scientists.

01:10:09: The sheriff is going to arrest a raccoon. Probably because he’s mostly black.

01:10:58: Just is case you were a really stupid kid, and missed it two minutes ago, the good players still haven’t arrived yet. Like CNN, we’re going to report this every ten seconds until you’re mortified.

01:11:31: They’ve chased them on to a pig farm. Look. A giant mud — well mostly mud and pig poop — puddle. A speeding out of control car containing the movie’s villains. Wonder how this’ll end.

01:12:07: Hmm. Airwolf took them out with a missile. I guess I didn’t see that coming.

01:12::08: Just kidding. They’re floating in pig poop soup. They even did the whole Dukes of Hazzard slow-mo. I love how all of a sudden, it always dawns on the children that holy crap, they’re missing the big game.

01:13:24: Those bums just keep splashing around in pig crap until Blue can Ebenezer his old ass out of the cop car.

01:14:41: This is the saddest dirge version of “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” I’ve ever heard.

01:15:20: Everybody’s back and safe with their owners so let’s win this fucking game against all odds so Prisco can go back to masturbating to iCarly, whaddyasay?

01:16:29: She’s still a shitty pitcher, but of course, the team’s fired up and ready to play.

01:19:09: They’re still down by four. Why are you giving an inspirational speech now? And Josh is home from college. Probably to play in the fucking game too. You were free, you asshole! YOU WERE FREE!

01:20:37: The pitcher thinks he can handle Buddy. The pitcher thinks WRONG, you little gaptoothed fuckshit.

01:21:26: For Christ’s sake. The dog slid into home plate. You charge that home plate and sic his balls, dog.

01:21:47: Oh, shit. Skeksis is a switch hitter. Who didn’t see that coming? She’s playing both sides of the plate.

01:22:42: Down by one, the winning run at the plate and it’s Andrea! Oh, dear, the tensions so strong, I took a nap. Tell me how it ends.

01:24:56: The outfield fell on his Aunt Sally. She’s rounding third. The throw is at the plate and she’s sliding in. She’s OUT! The catcher broke her fucking ankle. The bone’s sticking out. She’s crying. The dog’s licking the wound. It’s pandemonium!


01:26:04: Only now do the screenwriters realize that Andrea is not a good name to chant syllabically.

01:26:54: And she mounts her brother in a weirdly touching creepy moment. Hey, cut it out. That’s how puppies get made! Get the waterbottle we used on the dog!

01:27:38: Hey, look. It’s Angels Stadium. Which is in Anaheim, which is nowhere near Seattle. Another professional game — the World Series in fact. And Air Bud’s playing first. And the Angels win the World Series. Because that’s how America works.

01:29:00: And another inappropriately dreary ballad gets moaned over the end credits. One more. Just one more.

Brian Prisco is a bitter little man stomping sour grapes into fine whine in the valleys of North Hollywood. He’s a screenwriter who’s never been professionally produced, an actor who’s never joined a guild, and a director who made one bad film. He’s one waiter apron away from a cliche, and he’s available for children’s parties. You can tell him how much you hate him at priscogospel at hotmail dot com.

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