I’ve been laid up recovering from lady parts surgery and gave myself strict instructions to watch as much TV as humanly possible. In an attempt to keep it varied, I chose daily to binge something on Netflix (I finished Glow, Nailed It, and Queer Eye), watch something trashy on Bravo (Real Housewives Of The Potomac), watch something made for millennials (The Bold Type) and finally, add in a “classic” movie I haven’t watched since it was in the theater. A few days ago I filled that last category with the 2000 Nick Cage muscle car extravaganza Gone in 60 Seconds. I very distinctly remember seeing GI60S in the theater. I saw it at the Kabuki in San Francisco because I had free tickets from work and thought it was “fun!”. So, is GI60S still “fun!”? I’m happy to report that yes it is. Mind you, I was on powerful narcotics when I watched it. BOTH TIMES (Jk, only this last time).
Did you know that Timothy Olyphant is in Gone? Well he is, looking like a sexy golden retriever puppy.
He and the wonderful Delroy Lindo play police detectives on the hunt for a band of exotic car thieves led by Giovanni Ribisi as Kip Raines. Just to clarify, the cars are exotic; the thieves are actually pretty pedestrian. Or, that is, they are until Kip’s older brother, Memphis Raines, gets enters the scene. I don’t think I need to tell you that Memphis Raines is the name of Nick Cage’s character. It’s the Nick Cagiest character of name of all the Nick Cage character names that ever got named (yes even Nick Cagier than Cameron Poe or Castor Troy!). Anyway, let me see if my recently drug addled brain can barf up a reasonable facsimile of the plot for you.
Ok, here goes: Kip steals a bunch of cars under contract for a British bad guy but something goes wrong. The bad guy kidnaps Kip and then calls Memphis to finish the job. You see, Memphis is a famous car thief (who knew there was even such a thing), now retired. He threatens to squish Kip in a car squisher unless Memphis agrees to steal 50 exotic cars in 72 hours or less for him. Memphis, of course, says yes at the last possible minute. He then has to “get the band back together”, meaning he has a long list of car thief ex-colleagues he calls to help him out. One of them is Angelina Jolie in a very terrible blond dreadlock/white girl twist weave.
(picture: My own TV)
Yikes, girl. Yikes. The late 90’s called, it wants it’s chunking cream back.
Another person on Memphis’ list (he’s got a literal list and he crosses them out as he goes down it) is Chi McBride, prompting me to ask myself “why isn’t Chi McBride in more stuff?”. He’s a delight. Also in the mix are Scott Caan about to have a big early aughts, and Robert Duval (presumably for the check). With Memphis in the lead, the gang puts together an elaborate plan to steal all the cars. They have a big chalkboard and write down each car they need. Then they give them all fun lady names. Included on the list is a car called Eleanor. It’s Memphis’ white whale (they call it his “unicorn” because whoever wrote this script has never read Moby Dick. Also maybe any book), a cursed 1967 Shelby Mustang, the same make and model, he’s been trying to steal for years.
After a number of planning montages, the gang are ready to head out and steal 50 cars in 72 hours. But first, the ritualistic playing of Low Rider. Donny, go ahead. Nick Cage has got some serious Nick Caging to do.
With Timothy and Delroy mere steps behind at every turn, the gang goes out and starts snatching cars by various means. Of course, the last car to get got is Eleanor and things go pear shaped from there, Eleanor being cursed and all. Then it goes vrooom, vroom, crash crash, chase chase, oh no there’s traffic on this bridge. I won’t spoiler the end for you. Just know that I fell asleep and that’s why.
Would I recommend Gone in 60 Seconds? Sure. But like while you’re doing something else. Have it on in the background maybe. There are some fun scenes. But, there is also a super cringey running gag about an Asian woman who was Chi’s driving student who, haha guess what, is a terrible driver. Also Nick and Angelina are supposed to have chemistry but it’s more like what happens inside your Soda Stream machine when the C02 is running low, rather than something hot and explosive. I guess she was saving her all her sexual mojo for Billy Bob and her brother, both of whom accompanied her to the L.A. premiere.
Strange times, those. Very strange indeed.
So the final answer to the question, is Gone In 60 Seconds any good? I mean, sure. It’s fine.