Let me just preface the list of unseeable moments with a few words about Movie 43. It’s a very bad movie. In fact, it may very well have been designed to be a bad movie. The conceit is this: Dennis Quaid plays a man who has manipulated himself inside a studio executive’s office by sucking off a security guard (Will Sasso) who didn’t want to be sucked off. Inside the executive’s office, he delivers several pitches to the executive played by Greg Kinnear. These “pitches” are the shorts that make up the bulk of the film. The executive hates them, but the character played by Dennis Quaid forces him, at gunpoint, to buy his pitches anyway. Quaid’s character knows they are bad; Kinnear’s character knows they are bad; and the audience knows they are bad. Yet, the pitches are nevertheless brought to life by an insane cast of well-known actors, who are clearly doing it as a favor to someone, although I don’t understand who or what was the lynchpin for the movie (Peter Farrelly?). It’s a terrible movie, and everyone involved in Movie 43 seems to understand that it’s terrible, and yet it is still made, almost as a dare, as though some studio executive said: If we cast recognizable actors, will audiences still turn out for a bad movie?
The answer, I hope, is no. Given the complete lack of promotion for the project (seriously, no one involved is doing press; they’re probably very ashamed of the work), I can’t imagine that many will see it. And they shouldn’t. In fact, if you like any of the people involved in this film, avoid Movie 43 if you want to maintain your respect for them. It is meant to be a Kentucky Fried Movie kind of experiment, but whoever put the wheels in motion on this film clearly doesn’t understand that that kind of film — a series of intentionally offensive shorts designed to be as shocking, appalling and as politically incorrect as possible — doesn’t work in our current cultural environment, especially when the shocking and appalling pitches aren’t actually funny. I mean, Trey Parker and Matt Stone backed out of this, not because it is offensive, but presumably because they didn’t want to be associated with something as abhorrent to comedy as Movie 43. The whole movie — from why it was made, to why the stars agreed to do it, to why it was released — is just baffling. I’m not trying to sound hyperbolic; I honest-to-God don’t understand.
Given the nature of the film — each pitch is essentially a one-note joke stretched beyond that joke’s limitations — the list of unseeable moments below will spoil the movie. The entire movie. If you plan to see Movie 43 anyway, 1) don’t read the list, and 2) ignore whatever urge it is that you have to see Movie 43. It’s not doing anyone any favors to see it, least of all yourself and the actors involved. This list is designed not to pique your curiosity, but to quash it.
Here are: 30 Brain-Bleaching Moments From “Movie 43” That You Can Never Unsee
1. A character played by Kate Winslet goes on a blind date with a character played by Hugh Jackman, wonders why he’s single, and then realizes why once he removes his scarf to reveal that he has testicles hanging from his neck. This, by the way, is the funniest short in the film (mostly owed to Winslet’s reaction shots).
2. Pubes fall off of Jackman’s testicle neck and into his soup.
3. Jackman picks up a baby, and rests his testicles on the baby’s head.
4. Jackman dips his neck testicles into a tray of butter.
5. A character played by Anna Farris asks a character played by her husband, Chris Pratt, to poop on her. He reluctantly agrees.
6. Pratt’s character has a conversation with J.B. Smoove about the types of food he should eat before pooping on his girlfriend, and Smoove suggests Mexican and offers his poop Viagra.
7. Chris Pratt, in an attempt to withhold his poop, flatulates repeatedly on his Anna Faris, especially around the neck area.
8. Pratt is hit by a car, and an ass full of fecal matter explodes onto the window and all over the street. This endears Farris to him because he stores so much poop inside of him, just for her.
9. Seth MacFarlane makes a joke confusing “American Dad” and “Family Guy” (MacFarlane, ironically, escapes the film mostly unscathed, having delivered only a few bad jokes but not fully embarrassing himself).
10. Naomi Watts plays a mother who home schools her son, and in order to give her son (Jeremy Allen White) a normal high-school experience, provides him with his first awkward kiss.
11. Again, to give his son a normal high-school experience, Liev Schreiber, who plays the father, pretends to be a friend that comes out of the closet and makes a pass at his son.
12. Emma Stone talks dirty to, and sucks on the fingers of a greasy Kieran Culkin (Stone’s short may have been the least appalling, but also the least funny).
13. Richard Gere, Kate Bosworth, Jack McBrayer, and Aasif Mandvi play executives at a company that creates an iPod that looks like an actual naked woman (the iBabe), only teenagers end up trying to have sex with it and their dicks are mangled in the fan, which is placed inside the iBabe’s vagina.
14. In Superhero Speed Dating, Justin Long plays Robin, who wears a speedo.
15. Jason Sudeikis plays a cock-blocking Batman, who spends much of his time looking up Supergirl’s (Kristen Bell) skirt and commenting on the length of her bush.
16. Uma Thurman plays Lois Lane, who talks about what a stalker Superman (Bobby Cannavale) is, describing Superman as a guy who floats outside of her window, masturbates, and shoots his superhuman spunk through her window (also, the grease in his hair is not grease).
17. Leslie Bibb plays Wonder Woman, who is upset because Batman didn’t call her after they had sex, and she had to have an abortion alone.
18. Chloë Moretz plays a 7th grader who experience her first period while making out with her boyfriend, leaving a pool of blood on the couch and a trail of it across a wall.
19. Patrick Warburton plays the Dad of the boyfriend, who has a straight-up pull-my-finger moment (there is a lot of farting in this movie).
20. Christopher Mintz Plasse plays the older brother of the boyfriend, who attempts to find household items to plug Moretz’s vagina to prevent her from bleeding.
21. Gerard Butler plays two foul-mouthed leprechauns.
22. Johnny Knoxville and Sean William Scott get in a fight with the two foul-mouthed leprechauns. Knoxville shoots them.
23. Esti Ginzburg plays a fairy who exchanges blow jobs for gold coins.
24. Halle Berry makes guacamole with her bare right breast.
25. Halle Berry sticks a turkey baster full of hot sauce into her vagina.
25. Halle Berry gets a cartoonish breast enlargement and fondles her cartoonish boobs.
26. Stephen Merchant has a penis tattooed onto his face.
27. Stephen Merchant eats guacamole off of Halle Berry’s cartoonish breast.
28. Stephen Merchant has plastic surgery to look like a buck-toothed Asian man.
29. Josh Duhamel makes out with a cartoon cat, and later, the cartoon cat fucks Josh Duhamel in the mouth.
30. The cartoon cat gives Elizabeth Banks a piss shower.