By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | August 2, 2010 |
By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | August 2, 2010 |
Hi, this is The Devil. Still writing from hell. The air here is a balmy 104 degrees, the sky is a firey red without a cloud in the sky and the rivers of lava flow most pleasantly, bringing along a delightful smell of sulfur and souls in agony as they step outside into the burning glare of the sun. I am sipping on the most vile drink I can think of, a Bloody Mary (appropriate) with a long stalk of celery, that most vile of weeds. And I want a few more of your souls to come join me in Dallas. I mean hell.
Listen, I know I’m complaining about the heat in like, every single column lately, but fuck it, there’s really nothing going on and if I do not whine I WILL MELT and I do so believe firmly in my shriveled little heart—it looks like a raisin! From the heat!
Anyway. So you know how I told you it’d be an interactive EE this week where you’d vote for your favorite and stuff?
I LIED. Because today, I am the devil. BEHOLD MY FORKED TAIL AND PITCHFORK AND NASTY POINTED HORNS (and no, none of that is a euphemism so SHUT IT). Um, so that will be in a couple of weeks I think where I MIGHT BURN YOU IN A PIT. LIKE BARBEQUE.
I may be dehydrated. And losing it completely. Any second now I will wander down the street in my underwear while tearing at my hair and yelling at trees for not being shady enough and the sun for being too shiny.
ANYWAY. Yes I know I said that before. Shut the hell up. I’m having our resident Panda lover jM do the EE next week because MrFig and I are going down to Houston next week (ie: an even lower, hotter, more humid level of hell than Dallas is at the moment) so be kind to her. OR YOU WILL BURN.
Also, RIP Dustin who died because of Yogi Bear. Yogi Bear will burn. On a spit. Roast bear, anyone? All I know is that this in an awesome list (it really was hard to rank AND pick a #1), straight from hell to you fine people. In fact, there were so many good comments I’ll just give you 15 this week. They’re all gold.
Choose hell! It’s better here and you always get more of everything!
15. Blah, blah, blah. Nobody fears a “hero” who can be shocked into catatonia by a $6 lunch at Long John Silver. —Tracer Bullet
Have you ever HAD the 6 dollar lunch at Long John Silvers? There’s no one who can eat that and function in society. Place hasn’t bought any damned seafood since 1974. It’s just breading, grease and roach parts. Kind of like Black Manta’s dates from Craigslist! BAM! Yeah, I’m calling him out! Oh, and by the way Aquaman, Mera doesn’t think I’m all that much of a poof! Wait, is that incest or something? I’m not really sure. —Aqualad
[Yes! Another one of those threads. Now I get irrationally excited every time there’s Green Lantern news because it’ll break out the Superhero insanity. Read it all here.
14. Why is the original face concaved like he just ran into an Albert Poo Holes homerun swing?
And why has the face moved away from the lily white original? Its new hue implies that it could be Chinese, Latino, Spanish, or possibly Italian. I’m excited about this new culturally diverse direction, Mr. Craven!!! —Kballs
13. I shall tell you a sad little story.
I once was walking on the street, it was a beautiful spring day when all of sudden, on the side of the street I saw a little lady raccoon in need of my help. I took her home and fed her milk with a tiny milk bottle and she grew to be cute and full of entertainment fun then one day she started playing rock and I told her, sorry little raccoon I can listen to this shit, I only listen to celin dion, you’re too much of a fucking rebel get the fuck out of my house, and so she did, and I cried I cried I cried, why didn’t my little raccoon start singing french pop music? and now she wears stripper shoes and underwear and I’m so appealed that i might just go to a concert and shoot her with my rifle. you little rock and roll raccoon.
WHY ARE YOU SO ROCK AND ROLL AND ANTI CONFORMIST BABY RACCOON WHY????? —rio
[I have no idea what the hell I just read, I just know it cracked me up.]
12. You’re gonna need a bandaid Dustin…
You know… pfft…
For that boo-boo.
[Hee. That was on the Yogi Bear photo post. When Dustin killed himself, you know. Heeheeheehee…]
11. pssh! i TOTALLY hooked up on smokin through pajiba and facebook. now we are a happy, well-adjusted couple living the american dream. this is just sensationalism at its worst.
(please, call the poli…NO, HENRY, I WAS JUST COMMENTING ON THE YOGI BEAR TRAILE…NOOOOO! PLEAS…*silence*) —gp
[I think I’m meeting up with the two of them next week. I’ll either save gp or be killed by Henry, who is (deceptively?) super sweet]
10. It would have a better chance of roping people in if they called it Twotanic.
How are they getting financing for this shit? Is there some sort of money-guaranteeing loophole in our tax laws a la Uwe Boll in Germany?
And if so, may I suggest 2013: Earth Dies Again!
Or the companion piece to the upcoming Sucker Punch, Crotch Kick!
We could do this all day.
/movie trailer voice
The B-Team Starring Armand Assante as Hamilcar, Kimbo Slice as D.C. Daracas, James Van der Beek as PotatoFace, and DJ Qualls as The Weird Guy!
Steven Dorff as you’ve never seen him before. Back for blood, desperate for vengeance…Steven Dorff as Alton Shugar in…Some Country for Middle-Aged Folks!
The triumphant return of the couple you couldn’t get enough of in Alone in the Dark. We’ve reunited them for the tale of star-crossed lovers torn apart by another horrible accusation, separated by another horrific war! Tara Reid as his greatest love, Christian Slater as the soldier sent off to the hell in the bloody and terrible Falkland Islands…and reintroducing Amanda Bynes …Bereavement! —D-Day
9. Oh and someone (probably my brother, seeing as he once told me - as I was writing an essay for school about ships or some nonsense - that the guy in the crow’s nest was called the Sprogett Man, and I totally believed it and wrote it and then he dissolved into laughter and I screwed it up [paper and pen, way old school] and had to start again and I think I cried cos I always cried when my bro was mean to me, and then later I smashed him over the head with a recorder [cheap musical instrument recorder] and split his head open, so, last laugh and all that) told me that Luke Perry was Matthew Perry’s brother and I remember saying ‘I totally see the resemblance.’ Sucker. —Carrie
[Dang, Carrie. A recorder? That’s badass!]
8. What about Babe? Pigs can’t talk, man - they just can’t. Talk about confusion, leading to anger, leading to the bar afterwards, leading to a stop at the liquor store, leading to more drinking at home, leading to chucking pruning shears through your neighbor’s picture window, leading to a blackout shopping spree through the meat department, leading to promising to never eat bacon again after making a meat-suit and trying to film the sequel in the high-school parking lot… Geezum Cripes, that movie was whackadoo!
In closing, fuck you once again Harmony Korine. —Skitz
[I…I don’t think he was talking about Babe at the end. Good Godtopus I hope not.]
7. This is so delish I can hardly wait. The only thing better would be when SYFY picks up my newly registered treatment starring Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan in “Giant Black Hole Heat Miser versus Mega Frozen Freeze Miser”, with a special appearance by Bryan Boytono and Oksana Baiul as the Villainous “Baba Yaga”. —Juice in LA
6. THERE IS NO SHAME IN POUTINE, ONLY JOY
There is no shame. Only drool. —branded
[Oh, Poutine. I went to Montreal when I was 15 years old, had some poutine and had never forgotten it. It’s an everlasting crush.]
5, I have to go the Twilight Depot so I can pick up more Twilight. I have to go to bed now, or else I’ll sleep through my Twi-smear tomorrow. For breakfast I will eat Twilight lox with extra sparkles which I will chase with a Twi-mosa. Or maybe I’ll pick up some things from Twi Foods so I can show off my organic Twilight. After that, I will take a brunch-light walk on the Twilight and read up on some Twi-la Tharp projects. I have never understood the appeal of coffee, it has no Twilight in it. I have never tried chicory or battery acid, but if there is a way to put my Twilight in them, I’m in there. Have you heard about the push to rename a certain Son Of The Dragon as ‘Twi Tepes’? I like it, it has a certain Twilight about it that goes well with my Twilight. Now everyone can visit Twi-llachia with a certain Twilight to it. I hope the change goes over as well as the change from Barthory to ‘Twilight’. I like that better, it has a certain Twilight to it. I couldn’t be more excited about the re-release of Twi Stoker’s Twat-lula. That’s the original Twilight and it gives a lot of background Twilight to the Twilight franchise. It’s something to read during the commercial breaks when ‘Twi You Being Served?’ is on. I heard that Betty White is in a show that isn’t called Twilight, but it is called Twi in Twi-land. Is it good? Does it have Twilight? Is it Twilight? Did anyone see the season premiere of Twi Men? I didn’t get it, there was no Twilight in it. Everything was like, ‘Twi on the rocks’, but where was the Twi? Did that hooker slap Twi Draper because there wasn’t any Twilight? Did she give the house-Twis in her town Twi tips? Did she eat a buttered Twilight? Was he wearing French Twis before he undressed? Are you my Twilight? —Jo ‘Mama’ Besser
4. The robot fought alongside Terry Roosevelt and Lawrence of Arabia
Terry Roosevelt and the Absorbent Riders wore terrycloth breeches and were from Terre Haute. They were quite heroic, but I believe you meant “Teddy.” —mswas
[That, of course, was based on a “Terry/Teddy Roosevelt” typo. That’s how you do it right.]
3. My checklist for finding someone attractive:
__ Not blubberous, but not a body-builder.
__ Not orange.
__ Has nice eyes. (This is most important)
__ Looks clean. Or is able to pull of careless in a non-greasy way.
__ Looks dapper in a suit.
__ Not bland. Dear lord, not bland. But no Sloths or Quasimodos either
Yep, Cillian Murphy is indeed attractive. —penelope
My checklist for finding someone attractive:
__ Soft like a marshmallow, but not too much of a bamboo body.
__ Black and white.
__ Has nice eyes… surrounded by black fur. (This is most important)
__ Looks sad. But still has a little fight left in ‘em.
__ Looks like they’re already wearing one of those baseball tees.
__ Not bland. Dear lord, not bland. But no Sloths or Marmosets either.
Yep, sad panda Dustin’s is indeed getting raped.
Wait, what were you guys talking about? —jM
[See why Penelope is now my new favorite and why jM is my hero for life (panda rape will never not be funny) and doing this next week?]
[This next one’s long, but here’s an incentive to read it: it features BOOBS]
2. This has nothing to do with confusing movies, but I have to tell someone:
Last night while taking a ferry from Vancouver Island to Vancouver we were lucky enough to sit in the area that has two large tvs. An old movie about a hockey team came on, starring Rob Lowe as the young talent trying to make it. Patrick Swayze was the slightly older captain of the team, wising up young Rob in the ways of the world. Keanu Reaves had a cameo as a young goofball (this must have been the role that landed him Bill and Ted’s). Anyway, long post short, there were a bunch of risque (accent grave?) happenings, including testicle shaving, young Rob sleeping with the older landlady at the boarding house, and shots of young Rob’s ass in a jockstrap. Giggly stuff, ya know? Titillating for the family types on BC Ferries.
Then Rob Lowe starts dating the coach’s daughter, and after sneaking upstairs, they totally get it on. I’m talkin’ good ol’ fashioned 80s sex scene, with sweaty, heaving bodies, hands grabbing asses, big hair going everywhere, and then full-on shots of tits. Sweaty tits. Heaving tits.
At this point I should paint a clear picture of the lucky audience: standard families, old lady friends knitting away, teenagers, a couple of dudes in front of us who exclaimed “The ferries are awesome”; generally a standard cross-section of BC society.
A few minutes later the screen switched to the channel guide, as someone in charge rapidly tried to find something for suitable for public transportation. The Edmonton Indy came on, and we were treated to the vuvuzela-esque sound of cars buzzing around a track over and over.
Let me tell you, Indy cars are waaaaaaaaaayyyyyy less awesome than heaving sweaty 80s tits. —Brenton
1. Conan O’Brien walks out on to Tonight Show stage with nothing but a towel on
“Hello viewers. Look at your host. Now back at me. Now back at your host. Now back at me. Sadly, he isn’t me. But if he could take that camshaft out of his rectum, he could be like me. Look down! Back up! It’s a comedy bit that’s actually funny! Look again…the comedy bit is now a bear in a diaper masturbating. Anything’s possible when your host is funny and not a tool. I’m on Andy Richter.”
rides off atop Andy Richter —Fredo
YES. Congratulations, Fredo! That comment was about 15 different great things rolled up into one outstanding comment. Good job. You win a horse, so you too can say “I am on a horse” as you ride off into the sunset.
See? I told you guys it was a good one this week. I didn’t even know it when I thought of my ingenious and oh-so-clever idea to pretend like I was writing from hell. And I didn’t even know it would actually be 105 outside as I wrote this, so yay! It all fell into place. So leave your clothes at the door, bring up some icy, fruity drinks and come join me on the surface of the sun. All the cool people are here. See you in a couple of weeks!