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The Ten Bitchiest Commenters of 2010

By Dustin Rowles | Eloquent Eloquence | December 28, 2010 |

By Dustin Rowles | Eloquent Eloquence | December 28, 2010 |

The Pajiba comments section has evolved a lot over the years. Back in the classical age of Pajiba, the comments section was dominated by the likes of Ted Boynton, Ranylt, TK, Prisco, Kolby, Alex the Odd, Julie and Skitz. As is fairly apparent from those names, and the staff page, I recruit 80 percent of the writers from the comments section. It’s worked out spectacularly well over the years, and I think part of that is because I’ve read so many of their comments, I know where they are coming from, and for the most part, they’re familiar names to the readers, with similar sensibilities.

Fun fact: I’m not certain, but I think that sansho1 is the longest regular commenter on the site.

It’s kind of amazing, too, how much you feel like you get to know someone from the comments section, too. I’ve had a chance to meet a lot of people in person, and for the most part, it’s a surreal experience: They’re half exactly what you’d expect, and half exactly unlike anything you’d expect. Except for Tracer, who is exactly as you’d expect. And when we get together, probably the most discussed topic is other commenters. We talk about who we like, who annoys us, and who drives us batshit, and it’s kind of amazing how well you get to know someone though the comments section (or at least think you know someone, as we unfortunately learned this year from an experience with a commenter/contributor who turned out to be completely made up. It was seriously like something out of the documentary Catfish, and just as elaborate). For instance, everyone knows of jM’s panda fetish, admin’s Canada fetish, comma’s pervy ways, and Skitz’s hilarious shitballedness. Beaverhausen and Lindsey with an ‘e’ are in some sort of lifelong competition to see call dibs on every male celebrity (mswas, meanwhile, is like that, only less filthy). We all seem to know what’s going on with DammitJanet’s daughter. Replica will appropriately shame you if you get out of line. There are a dozen grammar Nazis. There are people that started out as trolls that became a part of the place, and with whom I’ve grown to begrudgingly like.There’s been romantic relationships, some secret, some lasting (one is even heading toward marriage). There are some that come in and out of the comments section (GP and Smokin’, of late), and lots of who have moved over to Facebook almost permanently (come back Kolby, Lainey, Melody). I know the sports alliances of people I’ve never met. The Hollywood Cog is a commenter. Doc Spender is almost always effusive. mrcreosote is pure fucking wit.

There’s way too many to namecheck, but know this: If you’ve been here awhile, we know about you. We probably know some of your cultural tastes. We may even know something about your family. We’ve probably talked about you amongst each other. And the great thing about the site is, not only are there a lot of people who have been around for years (coveredinbees, Wednesday, pinky, Pissboy and Whoreish Mouth, stardust, TylerDFC, grace b, branded, Three-nineteen, katsings, tamatha, Sofia etc., etc. etc.), but there’s a constant rotation of newbies. There are “commenter eras,” and this one is dominated by the likes of Kballs and Rykker and Paultera and Ian and Lennon and Idleprimate and Porkchop Express and esme and MelBivDevoe and duckandcover and Mrs. Julien and and D-Day and RobP and peanut and Todd and Simon and and Scully (and now Mulder) and I could literally go on and on.

But I won’t. I’ll get right to it. We used to post the names of everyone who commented at least 100 times in the year. That’s now impossible because there are over 430,000 comments in the system and there’s no way to go through them all to calculate. So, this year, I thought I’d do the 10 Bitchiest Commenters of the Year. There is no judgment here. It is neither a positive or a negative — it’s not representative of the best commenters. Just the bitchiest. Maybe next year I’ll do the wittiest. And the year after, the hottest (although, I think we all know who’d win that one). This is simply the 10 commenters that I feel — at least in my posts — bitch the most, which we like much of the time, unless we’re feeling fragile. It keeps us on our toes. Other times, we want to drive you into the ocean. But we love having you, all the same. All of you, actually. Except for Big Todd. What an asshole.

10. ChristianH — Loves to disagree, particularly when it comes to the topic of music.

9. superasente — In the beginning, it felt like superasente was trying a little too hard, but he came into his own. And he directs a lot of his violent bitchery toward other commenters, though will still call us out from time to time. (Say “First” in a comment thread, I dare you; superasent will reduce you to tears)

8. Deistbrawler — Doesn’t agree with almost anything any of us says. Ever. Seriously. Deistbrawler and number 3 are also the biggest horror movie contrarians.

7. BWeaves — Bweaves represents the get off my lawn faction of the Eloquents. If it was made after 1997, chances are Bweaves hates it.

6. Pissant — This guy is from my hometown (I don’t know him, as far as I know). He used to tear into us constantly but has toned it down recently. He has high standards for us, standards that are almost impossibly to commercially live up to. He hates the gossip stuff, yet it’s the gossip stuff he comments most on.

5. KBalls — A mystery. An almost always hilarious mystery, who emails every once in a while, and makes like we’re friends, and then tears into us on a post an hour later.

5. Yossarian — If a comment thread starts out nicely, and then turns on one of us, you can almost always bet that one of Yossarian’s lengthy diatribes is what turned the tide. This is particularly true of political threads.

4. Robert — A strange combination of horror movie enthusiast and theater fan; loves to show us up on both topics. And lots of others.

3. BarbadoSlim — The original troll, y’all. And the best. His job started blocking his access during the day, so he’s been muted to some degree, but back in the day, you could always count on BSlim to stir up some shit on even the slowest of comment threads. Hates the new Star Trek, loves Fast & Furious (and it looks like Tron: Legacy is his new pet love).

2. Paddydog — You’d think that once she started writing occasionally for us (she writes under a different name) that she’d hold back a little. Nope. She cuts. Sometimes, deeply. She particularly likes to kill us on grammatical mistakes and historical facts. It hurts because Paddydog is thought of so well, and respected.

1. Jay — Always the contrarian. Unless it involves “Doctor Who,” there’s nothing that Jay likes. He’s hell on new writers, until they get used to it and realize that it comes from a place of … hell, I don’t know where it comes from. But the contrariness has grown on me.

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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