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The 10 Best Comments of the Week: For just £2 a Month, You Could Make the Difference in a Zombie's Undeath

By Prolixity Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | January 13, 2012 |

By Prolixity Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | January 13, 2012 |

Eloquent Eloquence is a compilation of the ten best comments of the week. Comments in reviews are not eligible for inclusion.

There is a link in the commenter’s name that will take you to the original post.

Blatant narcissism:

Are you, or one of your loved ones, plagued by a surfeit of open-mindedness? Do you have a bad habit of giving alleged evil-doers the benefit of the doubt? Do you feel sorry for the less fortunate despite their manifest failure to overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles and achieve personal wealth as is the duty and right of every good American? Does Obama still seem like a good choice? Are you eating the grass instead of smoking it? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be suffering from a condition known as libtard sheepdom (Ovis Liberatum ) and its co-morbid syndrome even-toed ungulation. Talk to your doctor about the new Foxygen ™ Inhaler, to see if it’s right for you. You need not suffer in silence. You can be freed from the burden of compassion.

Side Effects May Include:

Gay Republicanism
Gerrymandered Uterus
Murdoch Prolapse
Teabag Hoarding
OCD (Obsessive Clinton Disorder)
Arrythmia Coulteri
Loss of Empathy
Inability to Ask or Tell
Headrush to Judgment

Please consult your health care provider before beginning any health care program. - Fascico Incorporated

10. Is it strange that the grammar discussion turned me on? You people and your transitive verbs, swoon. - catagisreading

9. Let Uwe Boll direct it, he’ll get it done in 3 weeks with a budget of 5 million and Christian Slater playing all the roles. - Thaddicus Roll.

8. Or am I just making an ass out of you and me?

You’re half right.

A couple of years ago, I drove to my home town to visit my family for Thanksgiving. We always celebrated the holiday at my maternal grandmother’s house, so that’s the first place I headed (this was the night before the holiday, not that that matters). Now, my grandmother is well into her 90s (I believe she was 96 at the time), so naturally her hearing isn’t the best. As a result, her TV is usually at a volume sufficient to be heard over a nuclear explosion.

When I walked into the house, my family were all sitting in the living room, talking and watching a Law & Order marathon (I think it was L&O: Everybody Gets Raped). So I’m greeting my family, excited about the celebration and food to come the next day, and only sort of half paying attention to the TV. Suddenly, this deathly screaming erupts from the show, so I turn my full attention to the episode to see what all the fuss could be.

From what I could glean about the episode, the lead actress was undercover in a women’s prison because a guard had been accused of raping multiple inmates. Apparently Boss Rapesalot had set his sights on our heroine, and was chasing her through some disused or under construction portion of the prison, all while she screamed bloody murder (which I imagine the editors of that show have on a constant loop). Terrifying, and no child appropriate at all.

This was followed up by an episode in which a promising young musician was killed…after being sodomized by a violin bow. Which fact they repeated multiple times:

Cop 1: “What’s the cause of all the trauma?”
M.E.: “She was sodomized with a violin bow.”

ADA: “Are we holding back any facts from the press?”
DA: “That she was sodomized with a violin bow.”

Cop’s Kid: “Ooh, Mad Libs! She was ______(past tense verb) with a ___________(compound noun).”
Cop: “…”

And this on one of the most popular shows in the country. But yes, clearly Janet Jackson’s bejeweled boob or Cher’s f-bomb are the real threats to the kids. - JustBill

7. I’m not going to hate on you for not knowing about the bronies, brohoof. Just recognize that its an ironic trend that won’t be going away until they stop making new episodes. - Robert

6. Me: “I think I liked A Perfect Murder…”

Husband : “No, you didn’t. You liked the blond chick’s haircut. Paltrow. Whatever her name is. I remember you wouldn’t shut up about it. That’s pretty much all I remember about that movie other than the cop’s kid had a fever and the Paltrow chick spoke some foreign language to him and OH MY GOD I LOVE HER HAIR.”

Me: “You’re right! Let’s never be apart.” - the other courtney

5. One good song about the virtues of butt-sex could totally turn her career (and my feelings about her) around.

“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts
She’s cheer captain, but I do the keester” - admin

4. “Those hoping to get a peak of the famous Fasschlong…”

In this context, should we assume “peak” to be synonymous with “tip?” - Billy

3. So… there’s your answer, Hollywood. Kill all the douchebags.

Ah yes. Seppuku. The honorable way out. - branded

2. ‘Every zombie has a story’

That’s gotta be the best collection of words I’ve seen in at least a week.

‘Every zombie has a story, and they aren’t always happy. For just £2 a month you could sponsor a zombie and help make its death much longer and much nicer. Here’s Jonah. Jonah is a poor, brain-deprived zombie from the urban ghetto. Jonah doesn’t ask for much. Just brains. For just £2 a month you could ensure that Jonah gets a nice home in the suburbs with a family that would love and care for him. And then he could eat their brains. So, please, consider just £2 a month for Jonah or a zombie just like him.’ - zeke the pig

1. I’m confused. Is the pre-op niece still a girl? Did she take something that made her breasts bigger and lopsided instead of shrinking? If the niece is still a nephew why would David O Russell want to feel his breasts unless David O Russell is gay. If David O Russell is gay, why would he want to feel breasts anyway? Wouldn’t he be going for the beans? And wouldn’t the beans shrink along with the lopsided breasts? If he is not gay, why is he trying to feel a boys breasts? Wouldn’t he wait for post-op to feel a girl’s breasts? Why wouldn’t a boy that is not yet a girl just slam David O Russell is his breast-feeling puss instead of filing a report. And did the police officer who took said report piss himself laughing about David O Russell’s odd fetish. Does this niece or nephew know that David O Russell is a rich Hollywood director and is trying to cash in on his breast feeling obsession? And how much cash could you actually rake in? Would it be enough to straighten out those lopsided breasts?

And what does Lily Tomlin have to say about this? Isn’t she a pre-op transgendered female? I’m sure she’s a niece. I’m pretty sure she has niece/nephews. But I don’t think she has breasts, lopsided or otherwise. And why didn’t David O Russell scream at Christian Bale and Marky Mark the way he screamed at poor breastless Lily Tomlin. Is it because The Fighter was filmed in cold Massachusetts and not hot Florida, and cooler heads prevailed. Or is it because Marky Mark would have punched the piss out of David O Russell and would not have said hi to his mother. Marky Mark would not have allowed David O Russell to go around feeling up pre-operative trangender nieces, especially Mary Mark’s, if he has a pre-operative transgendered niece, which he probably does because he has 47 kids in his family and one of his niece/nephews must be a pre-operative transgendered niece/nephew. Oh yeah, Marky Mark says to say hi to your mother. But he will not say hi to David O Russell’s mother because she raised a pre-operative transgendered female breast feeling obsessive and she does not deserve a howdy do from Marky Mark.

I’m also pretty sure that David O Russell’s defense attorney in his upcoming breast feeling trail will claim that David O Russell was just doing research for his next movie.

See what I’m up against? - kirbyjay