So That's How Pattinson Has Such Perfectly Shaped Hair. Unicorn Semen!
By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | May 10, 2010 |
By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | May 10, 2010 |
You know who I would gladly kick in the balls right about now? Ronald fucking Emmerich. He ruined my Sunday and I demand retribution. And I will only accept ball kicking.
See, I was having a pretty awesome weekend. The temperature dropped by about 20 degrees for two days, and it’s been all nicely cloudy and cool as a last respite before it gets into the 90s on Tuesday. I made an awesome pasta with shrimp and a Caesar salad. I called my mom (who is the best mom ever and I don’t want to hear any arguments) and was all nostalgic because we always had a giant party for Mother’s Day and I was missing it.
Then we decided to finish watching 2012. We had watched most of it last night before stopping it so we could watch Betty White kick ass. Someone should’ve told me to skip the ending and just pretend everyone had died because holy fuck that movie pissed me off. WHY was the fucking thing almost 3 hours long? Also, Emmerich you HACK, you had me all excited about everyone in the world dying but you also expect me to feel all elated because some asshole geologist decides to go noble? UGH. UGH. And…shit, I’m sorry, this isn’t a place for my movie reviews but you have to understand that I am ANGRY. I get angry a lot. And everyone knows that the best cure for anger is to kick something and Mr. Fig is really nice so I can’t kick him, and all I want is a chance at destroying Emmerich’s balls. That’s not much to ask for, is it? One day I’m gonna sue all of Hollywood for turning me into a raging maniac after watching shitty movies that draw you in because of the destruction and then spit on your face with their shitty endings.
Blergh. I need ice cream. Or maybe I’ll watch Betty White. She will be spared when the Figpocalypse comes.
10. Waitwaitwait…they’re making a “Green Lantern” movie?
[HAAAAAAA! Don’t ask me how I know, but for the uninitiated: Sinestro is Green Lantern’s nemesis. And I’m a nerd. You should also look up photos of him—dude looks like a gay French pornstar. It’s fabulous.]
9. So at first, I was all like “What the fuck? Why the hell won’t Hulu play for me? Fuck this shit, I’m getting some Tofu Dogs.” So then I ran out and got some tofu dogs and came back and you guys had Youtube and I was all like “Oh good, he went to Youtube!” and then I actually watched the fucking trailer and I was all like “Goddammit, why the hell did I watch that?”
And that is the mystery of why my eyes won’t stop bleeding. —Jeremy Feist
[From the trailer thread for the new Ashton Kutcher movie. Otherwise known as: The Two Most Annoying People in the Universe Do Annoying Things. Our next commenter has another great reaction:]
8. I cannot possibly even begin to accurately describe just how angry I am right now.
That was the single most painful thing I have ever endured. I’m pretty sure that was against the Geneva Convention. I want the writers, cast, director, financial backers, producers, grips, even the god damn caterers indicted for WAR CRIMES. I want every single person even remotely responsible for this movie lined up against the wall and SHOT. IN THE DICK. —chenry
[Hey! Did you just watch 2012, too?]
7. I’d worry more that tyra gave the dog rabies. why hasn’t she been put down already? /oldyellerstyle —gp
[She then went on to infect all the potential ‘models’ on ANTM…]
6. MUST DEFEND RPATTZ’S HONOR!!!
The Pattinson is using the unicorn semen to style his locks. It’s created an ENCHANTED FUCKING FOREST of hair that I wish to run my hands through, grip and ride that fucking pony until I broke it.
…and now I have Pony by Ginuine in my head.
You people just have no sense of wonder left. I mean what do you style your hair with? I’ll bet you it’s just gel. Pffft. —popejenn
5. Fuck no. A thousand, million, kajabrillion times, no. In the fifteen years I’ve been on this planet, this is the dumbest goddam thing I’ve seen. I know it’s not politically correct to use the term “retarded,” but this is FUCKING. RETARDEDABLE. Wow. Just… wow. Really?! Someone actually put fucking money toward this? Like, money that a family that’s hurting for dough could’ve used to put food on the table? Jesus, I’d rather see the money go to my cousin Lionel, so he could build a better meth lab. I’d rather the money go toward funding a pot-luck jamboree for the fucking Klan. I’d rather the money be used to buy a Pajamagram for Glen Beck, so he’s got something nice to wear when he and Sean Hannity host patriotic snuggle parties. I’d rather the money be given to Harmony Korine, so he can finally get started on Gummo 2: The Baconing. I’d rather see the…
Wait - scratch that last one…
Like I said above - fuck no. —Skitz
[The only part I object to is Skitz trying to make us believe he’s 15 when we all now he’s 89.]
[On Bill Murray reading poetry to construction workers. Hmm, I think I will spare him as well:]
4. Once upon a workday dreary,
While I welded weak and weary
Over a many quaint and cautious girder of the fourteenth floor
While I nodded, nearly napping
Suddenly there came a yapping
As if someone gently rapping, rapping on the fourteenth floor
‘Tis Bill Murray, Ralphie Muttered, rapping on the fourteenth floor
Only this, and nothing more. —superasente
[On Brendan Fraser’s new movie: “Furry Vengeance”:-]
Agent-Brendan, I’ve got your entire family, everyone dear to you, and the innocent occupants of an orphanage here at the lip of an active volcano-Yes, we’re in Greenland. No, I can’t pronounce it, just trust me. If you ever want to see any of these people again, you will. do. this. movie.
Brendan-Anything! I’ll do anything! What is it?
Agent-It’s called Furry Vengeance
Brendan-Well family and orphans, it’ll be painful but…
Agent-I’ve also got your weave.
Brendan -I’m in! I’m in damnit, I’m in!
(Agent later revealed to be Pauly Shore) —mrcreosote
[I used to have the biggest crush on Brendan Fraser, circa his “George of the Jungle Days”. What happened? Talk about a lady-boner killer.]
[On the upcoming “Machete” movie starring Danny Trejo:]
2. THIS is what an action hero’s supposed to be: manly, rough as leather and full of piss and vinegar. Every man who sees this movie will grow hair on their chest to rival Zangief, and every woman will be pregnant with triplets.
-Danny from Puerto Rico
[Y’all know Danny Trejo is my Main Man. This comment almost won, but you also know that I love embarrassing father stories:]
1. Oh God, Will Schuster rapping and “poppin’ lockin’”… It is so very, very bad. It’s like.. OK, anecdote time.
One time, when I was either in middle school or a freshman in high school, but at some point during my school years when my brother and I were not at the same school, my dad drove me to school. We get to the entrance of the neighborhood and our neighborhood faces the entrance to another neighborhood and we see these people standing around and cars are stopped in the road and we wondered what was going on.
At the sign for the other neighborhood, there was a fox. He was on his legs spasming and twirling around. I gasped and said, “I have to help him!” As was my bleeding heart wont. My dad shook his head and said, “Stay in the car. You can’t help him.” As soon as he said that, the fox dropped dead.
Everyone started to leave the entrances and Dad kept driving to school. I was almost shaking. My eyes were red and I was trying not to cry.
My Dad looked over at me and quietly asked, “Have you heard about the new dance craze?” I shook my head, but was grateful for the diversion. “What’s it called?”
“It’s called THE FOX!” And then her started spasming in his seat mimicking the fox to a tee. I was so pissed off and disgusted.
It was so inappropriate and infuriating, but I laughed anyway.
That is what Will Schuster rapping is like for me: terrible jokes about fox deaths.
That killed me HARD. In fact, I laughed so hard that every last trace of anger is gone, even if this is the third or fourth time I’ve read that story. Congratulations, Kayanne! You win something I once dreamed of inventing: a magical cloak that could cover your parents and make them invisible when they were being embarrassing. The idea came about after my dad freaked the shit out of my best friend when she first visited our house by making a pinwheel, blowing on it and cackling while doing crazy eyes. She almost ran out of the house sobbing.
And to comma or Sarina: Here’s an idea for a Comment Diversion—Embarrassing Parent Stories. I have a feeling it’d be super popular.
To close, I hope all you awesome Pajimoms had a great day yesterday. Even if it’s all commercial and shit, I always liked Mother’s Day. I was never one to be really outwardly affectionate to my mom, so I always liked having one day where I could show her how awesome she was without feeling awkward. That’s kind of weird, isn’t it. Anyway, keep making awesome future Pajibans. We are the hope of the world!
Figgy is a displaced Honduran living in Dallas, TX. She can’t think of anything witty to write here, but you can read her blog at if you have nothing better to do.