By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | July 19, 2010 |
By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | July 19, 2010 |
Well it was a busy week here at Pajiland, wasn’t it? We had the Freebies post that everyone goes crazy about (SKARSGARD!), the release of Green Lantern photos which led to two of the best comment threads I’ve ever seen on this site (more on that later), and Inception finally came out, which made all of us discerning movie watchers very, very happy. And I’ve just spent five hours watching both of Nolan’s Batman movies and I’m on a great-movie high and I’m hoping to dream of Christian Bale tonight. Phwoar.
I hope all this made the unbearable heat a little more tolerable, somehow. All I know is that it’s been over 100 degrees just about every single day here (and everywhere else, it seems) and it’s a bit scary to see the ENTIRE US covered in red during the weather reports, and nothing makes me happier than sitting in front of the fan reading a good comment thread. I’m a sucker like that.
I think there might be something wrong with me. No, I mean it. Seriously wrong. I may have A Disease. It’s probably the heat.
Anyway, on to the list! It was a great week for comments.
10. oooooooh, does jezebel know you only have one female reviewer with whom to confer? i, sir, am offended, and i am promptly putting a call in to gloria allred. —bel
Aww shit. bel’s sutures came loose and she jumped track.
She is so much less annoying when she’s humming into my bung hole.
Is there a mad doctor in the house? —jeze
[If you’re not aware of the Jezebel-is-kind-of-a-bitch debacle that went down…well, you’re lucky. Whatever, that cracked me up.]
9. I would still bang the shit out of that man. Even while he was making the face in the header photo.
That costume looks like it’s made out of muscles and sinew! THE GREEN LANTERN IS MADE OF PEOPLE! —Pinky McLadybits
[YES. It’s the Soylent Green Lantern!]
8. I’m going to stand outside my local googleplex on Oct. 8. and anyone who says they just came from I Spit On Your Grave gets the hammer. We gon’ have us a big ol’ HAMMA PAHDY. Jes we is, jes we is. —Tracer Bullet
[Count me in. I’ll bring my machete along. What? Didn’t you know all Latinos have machetes in their houses? Because we DO.]
[Regarding the “Expendables” trailer]
7.I think *my* testicles grew three sizes. I didn’t know I HAD testicles! —meaux
[Mr. Meaux is in for a surprise. Blame Stallone.]
6. I love!
I would have a baby with that trailer. I would raise it to the age where it could have coherent thoughts and then I would tell it that its mother is a movie trailer. Distraught and confused, my child would send me to an institution. After taking young, scared patients under my wing, I would realize that my trailerchild is better off without me anyways. —A-schaef <
A-schaef: You’re just trailer trash. —BWeaves
5. I find that if I pay up front and confine myself to the ground rules laid down by the Pimp, everything usually goes according to plan. This includes; fumbling foreplay, premature whatchamagoo, skipping round two heavy petting, awkward missionary coupled with voicing my abandonment issues, silent stare-at-the-wall release, me crying while she’s getting dressed, and a trip to the Motel vending machine for a post-coitus bag of Funyuns. I win every time.
It’s both expensive and lonely being me… —Skitz
4. ‘Tokyo Drift’ just makes me think of a Japanese guy in a mullet wearing chunky white trainers pissing on a car in a fierce gale. That probably IS some kind of valid fetish there. —Alex
WITH a mullet. Not IN a mullet. That sounds like he’s standing inside a giant mullet. Or is being held from behind by a giant mutant mullet that I imagine to be something like that Halloween episode of the Simpsons when Snake’s hair takes over Homer. —Alex
[Now I will never unsee it.]
3. “…gratuitous Tesla coils…”
Oh my, “gratuitous”, really?
A Tesla coil is NEVER “gratuitous,” it’s the answer to any cinematic question.
Had Carrie spread ‘em in SATC2 and revealed a fuckin Testla coil, the movie would have easily doubled its boxoffice.
Didn’t care for She’s Just Not That Into You?
Right again, the Tesla coil scene was cut (but will almost certainly be restored in the Director’s Special Limited Edition).
Much like cowbell, you just can’t have too much Tesla coil in a movie. —clocker
[Alright, I’m making an exception for #2 this week and putting up not one, but TWO entire comment threads on the list.
The first happened on this post. I knew from the get-go that we’d have another epic Green Lantern vs Sinestro flinging of petty insults and name calling. But I didn’t know everyone from Aquaman to Aqualad (the fuck is an Aqualad?) would get involved. You just have to read that stuff if you haven’t yet.
…And it kept going for the next Green Lantern post here.
Somehow that one brought in the Monopoly Movie and the Star Wars Prequels? I lost track.
Listen, I don’t know who wrote what. All I know is that both those threads had me in stitches, and I quickly gave up on trying to get individual comments for the EE. Everyone on there gets a gold star. I really do want to know who wrote what though, because it was too damn good. Here are some choice quotes:]
Okay, all you haters can step off right now.
I am officially giving this my power ring seal of approval. From what little I can see (and let’s face it, a waist-up still doesn’t show much) I think the costume is just fine, thankyaverymuch.
Anyone else wanna start some static? I got a full charge from the power battery this mornin’. Bring it, playa-hatahs. —Green Lantern
Anyone else wanna start some static? I got a full charge from the power battery this mornin’.
Did you get a manicure too while you were at the beauty salon getting your hair done? Did you gab with the girls? How is Kyle these days anyway?
really, GL? “At least AQUAMAN still likes me”? Really?
I feel that’s HARDLY a glowing recommendation. And frankly not something I’d be inclined to brag about. I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’. —Anna von Beaverplatz
Fuckin’ Aquaman. That guy is about as useful as tits on a nun. —Anna von Beaverdouche
Aqualad is Aquaman’s British cousin.
He enjoys having scones with his tea, he is a very graceful swimmer, and thinks his cousin is tacky. —Sofía
[Heeeee. It goes on and on and on. You guys don’t disappoint and I love all of you sick, sick, creative bastards. Thank you.]
[And because this isn’t Little League and I can’t give a trophy to EVERYONE who participated in that thread, I had to pick something else to be #1, and thankfully our esteemed PissBoy stepped right up. This was on the post for the Machete posters.]
These pictures look just like the wallet photos of my family.
Ya see, my dad is an ex-Mexican federale, trained in special forces combat. He’s a master with a knife and I’ve seen him win at least a half-dozen pig stickin’ matches.
My sister is an ex-prostitute who fancies a large weapon. :: rimshot! ::
My uncle Neil is a veteran — he invaded Grenada — who came home with PTSD. Ever since, he’s practiced the way of the samurai. (we give him a foam sword)
Grandpa Frank is a shithouse insane congressman from Alabama. He doesn’t carry S&W .45’s though. He’s a bigger fan of the Baretta 9mm. As he says ‘to keep all them coloreds off his property.’ (If you knew grandpa Frank…you’d totally think his racism was funny!)
Then there’s my hot cousin Peggy. (uncle Neil’s daighter) I don’t make it known…but i would totally pee in her butt.
And, oddly enough, Don Johnson is my second cousin and the photos in this case are identical. Cheap motherfucker wouldn’t spring for the bigger package at Olin Mills so that everyone could get ‘poster-sized’ apparently.
…and Nash Bridges sucked balls!
Bam! And with that, PissBoy ran circles around the superheroes and by virtue of a delightfully insane family won the #1 spot. Congratulations, you win the Special Prize of one ice cube and 15 cents. The 15 cents were under the cushions of my couch, along with some lint but you might not want that. The ice cube is to help with the heat, you see. Because I care.
Well, see you next week, my fellow crazies under Godtopus. Don’t stay out in the sun too long. But if you do, make sure to visit Pajiba and leave a long, rambling, delirious comment. They make the list more fun.
Figgy is a displaced Honduran living in Dallas, TX. You can read more of her ramblings at her blog () or follow her on Twitter.