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Salma Hayek and her Boobs Should Host Every Award Show Ever and the 10 Best Comments of the Week

By Prolixity Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | February 10, 2012 |

By Prolixity Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | February 10, 2012 |

Eloquent Eloquence is a compilation of the ten best comments of the week. Comments in reviews are not eligible for inclusion.

There is a link in the commenter’s name that will take you to the original post.

10. Even though it would be an awesome show Happy Endings is not a coming of age tale about an illegal asian immigrant making her way in the big city by working in a massage parlor that specializes in Rub n’ Tugs.

Despite this fact, it is STILL an awesome show and you should watch it. - aroorda

9. Salma Hayek and her boobs should host every award show ever, from now until eternity. And she should co-host with Sofia Vergara. And then they should just make out throughout the whole ceremony. Only way to get me to watch the bloody things really.

I expect my Nobel Prize for this idea. And you now know who should host that ceremony as well. - Joker

8. It’s clearly a love story for the ages.

What? No, not the movie. The movie looks ridiculous and stupid, regardless of how insanely hot I find all three leads to be.

No, I meant the love between Rob and greg. I look forward to it blossoming from a volley of antagonistic flirtations into a full-blown passion. Then, a heartrending breakup as they realize their love cannot sustain itself. Then bitterness and despair.

And then hatefucking. - The Other Agent Johnson

7. Be not fooled, children! Stay away from the man who says he has puppies and candy and lightsabers in his van! No matter how bitchin’ his van painting is! - twig

6. Ah, Strippermart.

Fine clothing for loose women. And drag queens. But not for loose drag queens. - ZombieMedic

5. There’s one black guy in The River, who wants to bet he dies first ?

I’m more stuck on the seven-men-to-three-women ratio.

These people don’t know why I watch television. - Todd

4. Colin Firth could be sitting on the crapper and yelling “How bout it” through the door and it would still be romantic

Colin Firth and his maid was the best part of Love Actually and his proposal was incredibly romantic

Colin Firth is the only Mr. Darcy and his condescending confession of love is still romantic

Colin Firth saying “I like you just as you are” is unbelievably romantic


Because Colin Firth’s characters are so uptight and self concious that for them to say anything at all is just damn romantic. - kirbyjay

3. M is for the Many things you gave us
O means Only that you’re growing Old
T is for the Titans you’ve slain for us
H is for a silk that always Holds
R is for Rodan whom you made good once
A because you’re regal in the Air
Put them all together they spell Mothra
The beast the keeps us from despair - Socrates_Johnson

2. *Sigh…..Dustin you’ve been in a rut lately, haven’t you? Okay I’ll step in yet again and lend a hand…

Take it away Gloria!

Hi I’m Sally Struthers.

All over Southern California, poor schlocky movies are being ignored. They’re forced on a steady diet of only corn, ham and cheese and then forcibly put on display as something far more substantial than they really are. At best they can hope to make their money back before the Memorial Day Weekend, at worst they are destined to become forgotten about and left to die in the $5 DVD bin at Wal-Mart….

But you can help. Thanks to Cinema International’s “Save the Schlock” Foundation.

Imagine, for just $12….the price for a movie ticket, you too can say that you helped save schlocky movies everywhere from slipping away into basic cable oblivion.

It takes so little of your pocket change for you to make a difference in schlocky movie’s life. You’ll receive a packet from the movie you choose to sponsor. In it will contain thank you notes from the studio moguls and pictures of the yachts and summers homes in Vermont they were able to purchase thanks to your senseless contributions. Isn’t that worth $12 and 90 minutes of your time?

And for just double the sponsorship, you can get a paper “Save the Schlock” bag of three week old popcorn, a paper “Save the Schlock” Collector’s cup of flat diet soda and a box of Goobers that was made in the mid 1980’s. Try finding that kind of deal in shopping malls.

Call our hotline right now to become a sponsor 1 (800) SCHLOCK. Ticket agents are standing by. There’s truly no obligation, and we promise not to embarrass your family by telling them you allowed yourself to enjoy this saccharine sweet mess.

Please call now…. - bleujayone

1. So let me get this straight, James. Your Buddy’s aunt makes $80/hr on her computer. She hasn’t worked on her computer for 7 months because she was laid-off from her job working on the computer but somehow still grossed $7382 last month just working on the computer which she was laid off of 7 months ago. This doesn’t make sense and so I’m forced to speculate how she made that much money in a month when she hasn’t had a job in 7 months. My hypothesis:

- Your buddy’s aunt is a high priced call girl
- She’s the ringleader for an illicit pygmy goat smuggling organization.
- She makes a living shooting miniature basketballs out of her hoobie-joo for wealthy Asian business men.
- She Fucking Matt Damon.
- She hosts Dance Dance Revolution parties for those with a stomping fetish.
- She is part of a magicians act wherein he pulls her out of a bukkake pit.
- She’s fucking George Lucas (DISGUSTING)
- She’s invented a machine that feasts on the souls of orphaned African children and sells her harvest to Newt Gingrich so that he can maintain his youthful sheen.
- You and your buddy violate her on a continuous basis with chorizo sausages while a burro fellates a Ronald McDonald look alike for the pleasure of Grimace and the Hamburgler.

Any which way, she still has a job. - admin

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.