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I Want to Get Intimate. Lubricantly.

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | December 20, 2010 |

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | December 20, 2010 |

ALRIGHT. 4 days til Christmas! Bring me all the hot toddies, turkeys and presents in the land! Kill Rudolph, keep the other reindeer! Kidnap the Sandy Claws and ask him why he didn’t get me that thing I wanted! ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR.


Apologies, that’s the Christmas spirit taking over me. I’m sitting here surrounded by unwrapped presents and three rolls of wrapping paper, wondering in despair why I can’t just put them in some plastic bags. But, spirit of Christmas! More wasted paper! Oh, who am I kidding, I love wrapping shit and the bright colors and everything. I love the damned season. What’s best, I’ll be going home to Honduras for three weeks, and I can’t wait to pet my dogs, see my house and be pampered by my family. New Year’s is also a huge deal where I come from, so I’m also looking forward to a good feast for that. Then my brother’s wedding! It’s a busy time for the Fig, and I might as well let you all know right now that I won’t be around for a few weeks.

So I’ll take my chance now and wish you all a very happy Christmas and a rockin’ New Year. May you have fun doing whatever it is you do, even if it’s just home drinking some wine. Rock the hell out of that. I’ve had an awesome time with you guys this year, reading your comments, even when y’all make me want to pull my hair out by the roots. I love Pajiba, most Pajibans (oh, all of you. Except for you. Yeah, you know. No, not you. Dammit, it’s not all about you.) and I love doing this. So thanks for an excellent year, and I hope to see you all back in full force when I come back from my vacation and being felt up by the TSA. Though no spending two hours in customs this time! Woohoo!

And to cap it off, here’s an extra treat: more comments for you to enjoy. Aren’t I the best? Quick note: some of these are actually from a couple of weeks ago—I just didn’t have enough good ones for a full ten last week.

15. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” is the whiniest, brattiest, cutesiest Xmas song ever. Every time I hear it I suppress the urge to bellow out “THAT’S CAUSE YO MAMA’S A BIG FAT HO!” And then I go drink some more. It’s all about suppressing those urges, I tell ya. The sacrifices I make for society. —cinekat

[Oh, how I *loathe* that song. But she’s not as big a ho as the ‘Santa Baby’ bitch. God I wish I could set that song on fire.]

14. I know I’m raising the argument way past any level that a racist idiot could handle, but has it ever occurred to anyone that deities per se could look any way they wanted? The Scandinavians only believed their deities were white and blue-eyed because they created them in their own image. But if they were really deities, then they weren’t human Norsemen and could be as Black as they felt like being. Suppose Thor was flying his winged chariot over Ethiopia one day and thought to himself “self, those guys look like kick-ass warriors and boy can they run a marathon in under two hours, I think I’ll look like them for a century or so.” So he waves his magic Thor stick and tada, he’s Black. And may I add that if he looked like Idris Elba, then I assume all the female deities from the neighboring mythologies would be lining up to have little Godlings with him. —PaddyDog

[First, I just thought this was a great, eloquent response to the fucktards boycotting Thor. Second of all, well..she’s right. Who wouldn’t jump Idris Elba’s bones?]

[From the thread on the new trailer for Thor:]

13. I swear, everyone on this thread has Hammer-envy. —Kahntahmp

12. Did no one listen to the whole NZT commercial? If you stop taking it you will DIE IMMEDIATELY. So, of course it’s real. I’m taking it myself actually. I do experience the paralysis side effect but thankfully my brain works well enough that I designed my own Steven Hawking chair out of macaroni and q-tips. They say there’s some psychosis but my badger orchestra promises me that that’s a lie. Kumquat. —Paultera

11. …although many people like Chicago and Nine

You’ve actually met people who liked Nine?

Were said people previously being held in an internment camp where a staff comprised of orcs and Brundle-flies provided each of the prisoners a lobotomy before throwing them into a human-sized washing machine and sending them on an intense spin cycle in a land of ash and darkness?

If there’s one thing a musical should never be: it’s boring.
If there’s one thing Kate Hudson should never do: it’s sing. —penelope

[Brr, I remember talk of that movie. I never watched it, because the mere though of Kate Hudson makes me want to kick things. Specifically: Kate Hudson.]

10. We all know that the new Ripley will be played by Sigourney Weaver in a motion-capture suit. Her character will be based on Jar Jar Binks and speak only in broken English and cooing noises. A radioactive octopus bites her while boarding the ship, resulting in her ultimate transformation into Ursula, aka the Mother Alien from Aliens. Thus, the series can officially go full-retard and never, ever be touched again. —Robert

9. Condoms: Saving the world from bad music, asshats, smelly dicks, and unwanted pregnancies one ejaculation at a time! —esme

[Yay, condoms!!!]

[This is from this posts, specifically that delightful first item.]

8. Phifer has a “lethal sense of humor”? Is he so fucking funny demons just laugh their asses POOF! straight back to hell? Do tree fairies giggle til they pop? Does it make the boogey man slap his own knee (and various other body parts)off? Questions, questions. —Chickaboom


[It’s um, from the poster in this post. See…it says “violando la ley”? and “violando” means both “breaking” and “raping”? And…it’s funny? Oh, shut up, gringo.]

6. How can you mention Olivia d’Abo and leave out her magnum opus: “Conan the Destroyer”?

Wilt Chamberlain cast as a barbarian sworn to protect a lady’s maidenhead? Sweet, succulent irony smeared in total bullshit.

In the immortal words of Tom Sizemore, he would’ve “split her like a coconut” without a second thought. Then he’d bring her mom in for a 3-way while sexting her grandma*. Because he was an oversexed, self-absorbed, enormously insecure pussyhound, you see.

*The “mom” part wasn’t Sizemore. That was aaaalllllll Kballs. *wink* —Kballs

[Oh, KBalls, you are *so* a romantic.]

[Speaking of monkeys riding bicycles, did you read Prisco’s review of the Tempest? It’s stuff like that that makes Pajiba a haven for some of us. Also, because we respond to annoying comments with stuff like this:.]

5. This is just pentameter (most of it). I don’t think you know what an iamb is.

Couched for the snobs was his statement of meter,
I doubt.
So kindly polish our knobs, yon dickish reader,
then get the fuck out. —Rykker


4. Meaning she’ll be played by Megan Fox and will wear thing underwear.
“thong” underwear, dammit…

Oh good. Because at first I was like, “Orange and rocky?” And then I thought, “Oh, maybe he means a strap-on.”

What does it say about me that I thought about comic books before I thought about sex? —superasente


[Hey, remember the trailer for Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus? No? Go watch it. I’ll wait. Then read this:]

3. The movie can end one way, and one way only.

Jaleel White explodes the crocosaurus by piloting a helicopter down its throat to place a tactical nuke on its left tonsil, immediately after incinerating the megashark with a well-placed oil tanker and a flare gun. As the smoke clears in slow motion, Jaleel flies the chopper into the sunset, lights a cigar, smirks into the camera and remarks:

“Did I do that?”

Anything other than that, and I will burn the WORLD. —Mario Speedwagon

[The header photo for this post sparked many a homoerotic fantasy. Mrs Julien did us all a favor and scripted us a little scene.]

2. Vin: Look at that lip. I’m gonna get it!

The Rock: What? No.

Vin: I’m gonna bite it.

The Rock: No.

Vin: How about a nibble?

The Rock: I will punch you.

Vin: Make it hurt so good.

The Rock: Stop.

Vin: You can do whatever you want to me.

The Rock: You do not want that to happen.

Vin: Does Rockums want to tussle? I’m gonna get that lip! Gonna bite it!

The Rock: No means no dude.

Vin: How about a cage match of love?

The Rock: Seriously dude. I am trying to build a career here.

Vin: Why so threatened by my sex, man? It’s all just a continuum dude.

The Rock: I’m going to continuum you in a second.

Vin: Do it!

The Rock: Someone bring me a folding chair! —Mrs. Julien

[I’m just gonna…go into…um…the boudoir…]

[Hi! I’m back. Let’s finish this]

[Our #1 this week is yet another brilliant bit of collaboration between commenters. One starts it, then a couple more take it off and ta-da! Brilliance. It’s from this post—specifically, the picture used in the header.]

1. Wow, that jar is … specific. If I owned that, I would have a field day.
“Excuse me, babe, I need a moment to apply some INTIMATE SEXUAL LUBRICANT.”
“Psst, could you grab the INTIMATE SEXUAL LUBRICANT? So we can get INTIMATE. LUBRICANTLY.” —Lauren

Do they sell a NON-INTIMATE SEXUAL LUBRICANT that, like, leaves in the morning before you wake up to go lubricate someone else? —Lindsay

Hm…what about those times in your life when you just don’t feel that close to the person you’re getting all up inside of? Maybe a DISTANT SEXUAL LUBRICANT? —coryo

Perhaps, for the post-fight makeup sex, they could sell a PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE SEXUAL LUBRICANT that feels okay at first, but then burns a little. —Lindsay


I don’t know how, or when, but one day I want to use the phrase “I WANT TO GET INTIMATE. LUBRICANTLY.” I should make MrFig read this one damn post, at least. He won’t get it. Non-Pajibans just don’t get Pajibans. Have you tried explaining Pajiba to your loved ones? Yeah.

Anyway. Congratulations, Lauren, Lindsay and coryo! You three win the EE Christmas turkey. Chop it up and distribute it amongst yourselves. Someone can have the giblets.

Alright, that’s it for me this year. I’ll be popping up now and then, so you won’t miss me too much. Have some great holidays, you whiny, bitchy, hilarious, snarky bunch of weirdos.

And now, to the rum. Ole!

Figgy is a displaced Honduran living in Dallas, TX, and she wants you to make it work. You can read more of her ramblings at her blog or follow her on twitter.

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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