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I Strong Advise You to Use Rubber on Peenus

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | September 13, 2010 |

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | September 13, 2010 |

Hey hey bitches, I’m coming to you now as a newly minted Productive Member of Society. That’s right, I got myself a job. Who would hire me, you might ask? I asked the same thing but clearly I put up enough of a good front to fool the little people into thinking I’m personable and responsible instead of kind of manic and prone to shoutiness. So I fooled them and got the job and now I’ve gots to get paid, yo. I won’t get into too much detail, because really, who cares? Suffice it to say that it’s messed up my sleeping schedule big time and I’ve been spending my afternoons in a state of half-zombiedom. On the one hand I crash by 10pm like an old lady (and my 27th birthday is in a couple of weeks—I’m practically ancient! Woe! *dodges stones from the real cronies*) and miss late night Facebook shenanigans. On the other hand, I read comments when I get home and I’m so out of it that everything seems funny. It’s like being drunk but not nearly as fun because you don’t have as much fun. Anyway, what I’m saying is that it might get a little crazy up in here, but I get to do what I want because I’m Queen and all that so, you know. I have no idea what I just typed. It’s been a long week.

Also, you might have noticed there was no EE last week. Or maybe you didn’t. Anyway, a big part of it was just the Labor Day Weekend, so a lot of people must have been away; there weren’t that many comments and sometimes I’d rather not do the EE at all than give you sorta weak comments. But! I’ve brought up a few of the best from last week to put into this week’s list, so the good stuff still gets a chance. Enjoy your belated list of goodness.

10. My parents. Took me. To see. Jungle Fever. IMDB tells me I was ten. —coveredinbees

[This was in the thread about movies you wouldn’t watch with your parents, and it cracked me up so very hard. JUNGLE FEVER.]

9. Ned, please submit two thousand words of double-spaced type on any subject you wish. I expect that there will not be one spelling, punctuation or grammatical error in the entire essay as, if there is, I shall show up at your door with a Louisville Slugger and proceed to re-enact the entire two hours of Back Door Hussies 3. You have twenty minutes. —admin

That franchise sold out after Vol. 2. —Ian

[OK so that was accidental (or maybe not?), because Ian was talking about the ‘Saw’ franchise. Sometimes, magic like this just happens.]

[This was from last week’s Pajiba Love entry on Lindsay Lohan hitting a stroller with her car or something]

8. She clipped a baby in a stroller. WITH HER CAR. And then drove away. She got into a hit and run WITH A BABY.

Hey! We all make mistakes once in a while. Sometimes, you accidently run a red light and clip a stroller. Or you’re backing out of a mall parking lot and tap a stroller with a sleeping baby in it. And, yes, sometimes your first instinct is to flee the scene. Or when the parents yell, “THERE’S A BABY BACK HERE!” — to fall into a bout of nervous laughter that distracts you even more and instead of putting your car in drive, you back into the stroller again, earning you the nickname j “Double Tap” M…


[You totally did that on purpose. Admit it. The baby had probably been giving lustful looks to the pandas.]

7. “This is the most anti-american movie since Bambi and trans gender liberal enviornmentalist jews made a mockery of the deer hunting industry”- Sammy “NASCAR” Hickman —Mr. Razastein

[Yet another highly intelligent and coherent ‘response’ to Machete.]

6. If Shia LeBlegch so much as sniffs at a script of Ghostbusters 3 (or any remake of my fave childhood film/book/TV series/comic) I will kidnap him and lock him up in my cellar.

And coming from an Austrian, that’s no idle threat. —cinekat

[It’s awful and hilarious at the same damn time. Good job, creepy Austrian!]

5. Even when compelling, [Ron] Howard still manages to inject mediocrity into his projects. Expect “The Vanilla Tower and the Day Compromise Ran Rampant”. —Recondite

[It was all doom and gloom at the announcement that the ‘Dark Tower’ was being made into a movie. It just smells of imminent disaster.]

4. Dear. Lolo. I met a Astralia guy on enternet last week. After chatting for 3 days. We have an unforgettable date. He is well-looking, very polite (what I want). Now he is my boyfriend. I hope you singles find your partner ASAP. i strong advise you to check. “`AussieSugardaddies“DOT com, coz I met match on there. If come, message me, let me help you yo use it. —wolton

Dear. AussieSugardaddies DOT com. I met a Astralia gal on enternet last week. After chatting for 3 days. We make all of the sex. Now she isn’t in the place where. Has she gone? The burning sensation was left behind in the pants I have. Other singles bewar ASAP. i strong advise you to use rubber on peenus. —Lolo

[Have you noticed how Spambot keeps getting more and more specific? Next we’ll see something for Very Tall Black Millionaire New Zealanders in Search of Young Hot Midgets]

3. Fuck. You. I fucking love the god damned experience that is a broadway fucking musical. I’ve seen a chorus line with Mario Lopez and he ROCKED that shit. I saw Chicago on broadway on tour and the movie and let me tell you it fucking ROCKED MY WORLD!!! There is nothing better than a group of people breaking into song for no apparent fucking reason. In my view the entire run of Buffy was just prelude to the GREATNESS that was the musical episode. I sit at my drab little cubicle EVERY FUCKING DAY waiting for the rousing string section that will enable me to LEAP from my seat and perform an intricately choreographed number with kicks and props and possibly harmonies. DAMN YOU not not loving the joy, pain and singing orgasm that IS the MUSICAL!

Except for Oklahoma. Fuck that shit. —Mrcreosote

[Yeah, fuck Oklahoma. That was another one from last week, by the way.]

2. cerated blade
Is that a shy, awkward knife that cuts the same way in every movie? —mswas

[This was of course a play on the typo for ‘serrated’, and I’m ashamed to admit that it took me FOREVER to get it. But people, that’s the way you play on a typo. How many times do we have to tell you that bitchily correcting people in the comments is obnoxious and makes you look like an asshole? Email the writer if you’re that compelled to correct people. Don’t be a douchewad. Shit still drives me crazy. But I digress. Here’s our #1!]

1. Everything has gotten so goddamn serious lately. You can’t just have a stupid Mex-sploitation throwback action flick without it being seen as some kid of anti-white message to rally behind. Is the move anti-white? Probably. I got that from the previews. All the bad guys were white, the heroes are Mexican, what did they expect? It’s a 70’s Mexican grindhouse spoof. Of course that’s the theme. Does it mean Rodriguez, or Trejo, DeNiro, or anyone else involved actually BELIEVE that nonsense? I’m thinking not.

I can’t wait for Tron Legacy and the expected controversy about the dangers of our increasingly interconnected world and the dangerous (yet sexy) people that live inside our computer boxes. Or Yogi Bear’s insiduous call to arms for bears to rise up and take us poor human’s pic-a-nick baskets. —TylerDFC

And then the liberal bear-loving media will run stories about how The Man has been oppressing bears for eons, as if those fuckers wouldn’t have oppressed humanity if only they had opposable thumbs. So they do it by stealth. Breeding. Lookin’ all cute and such at Yosemite. Pretty soon they’re marrying your daughters and running the local Dunkin’ Donuts. Next thing you know, we have bears in the Senate, and yes, someday, when bears have managed to dominate the air waves and drown out the voices of right-thinking humans, they overturn the Second Amendment and Bear Season takes on a whole new meaning. —Wednesday


Bam! And with that brilliant two-bit collaboration, both TylerDFC and Wednesday are this week’s lucky winners. What do they win, Bob? A drop bear to the face. Yes! What they always wanted, I’m sure! It will help them prepare for the upcoming bear revolution- and no, we’re not talking about hairy gay men here, folks. Real fucking bears, and they won’t be all happy as shit like Yogi Bear in that one poster. Disturbing.

But huzzah! It was a good week, but you better bring it for the next, people. Keep me awake when I get home, would you? Work it.

Figgy is a displaced Honduran living in Dallas, TX. You can read more of her ramblings at her blog or follow her on Twitter .

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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