Eloquent Eloquence, Wild Mass Guessing Edition, is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Comments in non-Dustin reviews are ineligible for inclusion. Comments made by non-resident a-holes will almost certainly not be included, but instead receive an immediate derisive response.
There is a link in the commenter’s name that will take you to the original post.
CBR Reviews are ineligible for inclusion, so I’ll just put this here.
Wojtek Góralczyk wrote something. You should read it.
• The Stash This Information Somewhere Safe (and Airtight) for the Next Know Your Overlord Contest Comment of the Week goes to Pinky McLadybits for a skill that is indeed valuable:
Ah, the smell. I can successfully identify horse, cow, or pig shit just from scent. It’s underwhelming as a party trick.
• The Something, Something, Gaming, That Isn’t Po? Comment of the Week goes to Quatermain, although I suspect the call is coming from inside the house:
I can almost smell the oncoming storm of sweet, sweet, neckbearded nerd rage gathering out there on the Internet This is going to be more entertaining than when the news broke that they were making ‘Lord of the Rings’ into a movie. Hell, this might even be more entertaining than ‘Disney buys Marvel.’
• The Your Id Should Be Embarrassed by Its Lack of Imagination Comment of the Week goes to DominaNefret. Go home and examine your life!:
I will take one Jason Isaacs please. We will live in a cottage near Talisker Bay and spend the evenings sitting in front of the fire, he will read the dictionary to me while I knit woolen socks out of yarn I have spun from the fleece of the highland sheep living in our backyard, and our seven cats will be gathered around us, keeping us warm, and “helping me with my knitting”, as cats are wont to do.
• The I Bet the Monkey Sues for Defamation of Character Comment of the Week goes to TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin who I suspect is jealous of Trump’s head pelt:
That’s exactly what I thought. His mother could have put anybody as her baby daddy. How will we know he isn’t part ape without that DNA test. As a matter of fact, I bet he shares at least 97% of his DNA with orangutans.
• The [Backing Away Slowly] Comment of the Week goes to Superasente whose prize is this cool jacket with extra long sleeves so he can hug himself:
You say all of that like it’s not good. Cuz I’m like “We’re gonna get to see an endless continuation of the main story! And endless spin-offs and tv shows and cartoons! And a prime-time drama, you say? We should all be so blessed! Why, we’re going to have so much Star Wars that we’re going to choke on it!”
And then I’m like, “Why won’t anyone have sex with me? I’m so painfully lonely.” And then I cry and cry and argue with my GPS because its the only female voice in my life. I’m like, “Dammit Jill, I want to go to Cleveland.” But she doesn’t know the address there.
• The [running away quickly] Comment of the Week goes to klingonfree for managing to be even crazier than Superasente:
YES! The part of Salton Sea where Pooh Bear re-enacts the Kennedy Assassination with pigeons. I got it! A show in which has-been stars use pigeons to re-enact famous events in history/pop culture. I’d watch that. Pigeon version of the flag raising at Iwo Jima. Pigeon version of the beheading of Marie Antoinette. Pigeon version of Janet Jackson’s halftime wardrobe malfunction.
It just yields so much. So much potential.
• The Comment Every Night and Comment Every Day Comment of the Week goes to Fredo who can hear you callin’, but can’t be home tonight:
You know what this movie reminds me of? Kiss. The band Kiss. Remember how when they first got back together everyone was all like “Kiss! OMG! I’ve heard legends about them! Look! He spits blood! And the fireworks!!” That was The Expendables. Everyone was excited after hearing and seeing the 80s heyday of action movies. Then The Last Stand came out and this movie comes out and everyone goes “Oh yeah, that’s why we forgot about Kiss. Yeah, yeah, whatever Gene. Go spit blood at your kids.”
• The I’m Not an Actor, I’m a Movie Star! Comment of the Week goes to Kballs who is greedy, barbarous, and cruel:
I agree with King Ralph and understand that it is literally impossible to be in Hollywood for over 50 years and not make shitty movies. It’s just funny that he got top billing and is nowhere to be seen. It probably went something like:
Director: “Hey Peter! We’re putting together the poster and wanted to kno—-
Peter: “BY THE GODS, IF YOU PUT MY VISAGE UPON SAID MARKETING GLIM-GLAMMERY I WILL SMITE THEE WITH THIS STONE DILDO I STOLE FROM THE SET OF CALIGULA!”
Director: “Ahhh, okay. That wasn’t actually what I wanted to ask—-
Peter: “COME OFF IT MAN!!! THESE BABY BLUES WILL NOT GRACE THIS—-THIS——OUTRAGERY!!!!”
Director: “That’s interesting, Peter. Thank you for sharing. (aside) Did someone show him where the booze it hidden? (end aside) Umm, yeah, no picture. Fine, whatever you want. How about top billing?
Peter: “That would be delightful! Let my people go!”
Director: “That’s Charlton Heston.”
Peter: “Fuck you, asshole.”
• The Canadian Content Comment of the Week goes to bleujayone. Congratulations! The CanCon factor means he’s up for a Juno, a Genie, and a Dora:
Friends, do you have embarrassing pictures posted online you wish would go away? Have you posted comments when you were in a less than lucid state of mind? Told constantly that once it’s out there, there’s no way to remove a personal stain from the internet? Well no more!
New from Proctor & Gamble, the company that brought you all-purpose Mister Clean and Magic Eraser comes Monsieur Net! With just a dab, you can wipe any hard drive, server or website free of embarrassing muck, dirt or egg on your face. Developed in cooperation with the Department of Homeland Security, Monsieur Net has already wiped the slate clean for many people online- regardless whether they wanted or deserved it.
It works great for celebrities, politicians or just your garden variety troll wanting to sweep away their footprints. Monsieur Net; because the Internet shouldn’t mean forever!
• The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to Steven Lloyd Wilson. It’s an honour just to be eviscerated:
Oh son, I’m so sorry that you had to find out this way. Since your father left me for your transvestite former lover Kiki, it’s been so hard for me to make ends meet, so I’ve had to take work writing on the Internet. I know that it’s not as humiliating as the time your high school dance team discovered the bestiality snuff films I made to put myself through vet school, but I appreciate that this will be difficult for you. I have fixed the typo so that when you return to this article again and again, you are not eternally haunted by “Hans”, who of course reminds you of the German dwarf we rented your top bunk to when you were in first grade. He always tried to cheer you up with clown costumes after midnight, but you were young and he reeked of gin, so I can understand why you don’t remember him as fondly as he does you.