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Eloquent Eloquence: TL:DR Edition

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | May 10, 2013 |

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | May 10, 2013 |

Eloquent Eloquence, TL:DR Edition, is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Comments in non-Dustin reviews and spoiler-laden Game of Thrones discussions are ineligible for inclusion.

We finally found a use for Disqus: Call and response commenting. Check out this delicious display of over-thinking it.

The What Kind of Fu(kery Is This? Comment of the Week goes to googergieger for the following verbal eruption:

Wow, that’s like the song Amy Whinehouse did. I don’t know if you realize it or not but she did a song that went, “They tried to make me go to rehab, but I said, no, no, no.” Pretty famous song by her. I’m surprised you haven’t heard it. Anyways, your comment is a lot like that song. That part of the song anyways. In hindsight, I guess she should have gone to rehab. Well in hindsight, don’t do drugs, but that’s why they call it hindsight and not, I don’t know, whatever the opposite of hindsight is. Anyways, I like the Devo cover of the Rolling Stones song, “Satisfaction” even more than the original. I also like the Devo song “Gut Feeling” that was used in The Life Aquatic. I also like all the Bowie covers in that movie. Even though I don’t understand Portuguese. But they say the language of music is universal. Actually I don’t know if they say that or not. Some guy was talking me up at a club and I couldn’t hear shit over the sound of shitty music playing, so I just walked away from that conversation assuming something was said about the language of music being universal. Though to be fair music really wouldn’t have a language. I mean that’d be singing, if anything. Not that all music needs words to be good. This is what I’m wondering, back when I was into being a huge elitist douche, I used to get into arguments with fans of post rock which is the dumbest name for a genre ever by the way, but yeah, I used to ask what the difference between instrumental music and post rock was, and basically they just said, it was different because it was different. Which you know, isn’t really saying anything. I mean it is, but it might as well just be nothing. Anyways, long story short, I’m going to go shave before my beard starts looking homeless and/or “rapey”.

The Face Palm Head Desk Comment of the Week goes to MikeRoorda and his very own Little Red Haired Girl:

As a guy, Jennifer Lawrence seems a lot like that friend you had in college who also happened to be a girl. She hung out, got drunk and swore like a sailor and could beat most of you at darts. Maybe you got drunk and made a pass once, but she laughed and bought you a shot instead. You never tried again, sober or otherwise. After school is done and over she friends and you on Facebook while wearing a dress or announcing her recent engagement and something really deep deep down whispers “dumbass.” And in your heart of hearts, you know that something is right.

The Answer to the Question: What Happens When You Post a Blank Article and Let the Pajibans Run Riot Comment of the Week goes to Quatermain:

Given that this space is apparently unoccupied, I’m going to do what generations of Americans have done before me…occupy and exploit it in the name of progress and Manifest Destiny. Everybody who was here before me is getting shipped off to comment reservations as soon as my army gets here.

Thumbnail image for nancygashleighb.jpg

The Maleficent Is Impressed by Your Bitch Face Comment of the Week goes to [redacted] because no one has answered my question about beards being back:

Nancy Grace’s contract clearly states that she will only share camera space with her own righteous indignation.

The Interrobang Comment of the Week goes to Erich because, seriously, ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL?! Does that make Ringwald the Acid Queen?:

He’s a pussy wizard
There has got to be a twist.
A pussy wizard,
S’got such a supple wrist.
How do you think he does it? I don’t know!
What makes him so good?

The When HTML Goes Bad Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to Long_Pig_Tailor for a bold notion:

Italictrol— a new angle on life.

The Correct Response to blow it out you’re ass rob Comment of the Week goes to superasente. Get comfortable:

I was looking into the night sky on a cloudless spring evening recently. I did what every man has done since humanity developed a sense of curiosity (probably an evolutionary function, but who knows); I found myself star-gazing.

Now, I’m sure you know that stars are millions of miles away, and even though light travels very VERY fast, it still takes quite a long time for the light from those stars to arrive on my doorstep. Millions of “light years,” to be (more or less) precise. So, as difficult as it is to imagine, the light that you’re seeing from the stars above is light from the distant past. You’re literally looking at something that might not even be there anymore. It is a genuine marvel.

Then I get to thinking - wow, our distant ancestors had no idea of this - they could not have imagined this truth. They had no idea that stars were just cousins of the Sun. Who knows what they thought stars were - tiny thorn-pricks in the sky? They had no idea that the Sun and Stars are super-heated gravitational-swirls of plasma, or that a dying star once gave birth to the planets and moons, and by extension our very bodies. They lacked the logical and mechanical tools to identify the incalculable variety of celestial bodies, and the vast expanse of space.

Frankly, I started to panic a little because of this. I got to feeling a little off-set from my forefathers. Not more advanced - let me be perfectly clear that I don’t feel superior to the people who lived hundreds of thousands, and millions of years before me. For all intents and purposes, the men and women who developed into our species two-hundred thousand years ago in southern Africa had the same cognitive and physical potential that I was born with, and I am only advanced by merit of my culture. I panicked because their way of life suddenly seemed so static and foreign to me. It feels a little bit - I don’t know, empty somehow, to know so much and to have so little mystery. There seemed to be romance and elegance somehow in the forgotten, unchanging way of life.

And suddenly it passed. I remembered something very important.

We weren’t so different. Because they felt just as diminished by the stars as I did. They gazed up into that brilliant scatter of cosmic beauty (perhaps even seeing more than I will ever hope to, as they were unburdened by cities and light pollution) and likewise understood how small and insignificant they are. They may not have known exactly what the make-up of the universe was, or exactly how small they were in comparison. But I imagine that they probably understood exactly how fragile life is, and how short their time was to behold and delight in sentient existence. They looked at the stars and they knew this, as surely as I know it today: that we are small and insignificant.

Greg, I encourage you to go home tonight and look up at the stars. If it’s cloudy, do it tomorrow. Pour a cold glass of scotch, or whatever your poison is, throw on some gentle, deep music (maybe some Nina Simone) and contemplate your existence. Take scope of the unfathomable universe that surrounds you, and drink in the delight of your diminished value.

The But They’d Still Know Who Gretzky Is, Eh? Comment of the Week goes to TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin. Funny. CanCon. Win. Win.:

Canadian amnesiacs are assholes. They forget to be polite. They forget the obligatory “eh”, They forget to insert their superfluous “u”s. And, worst of all,… I forgot what I was going to say. Asshoule.

The Confederacy of Clever Comment of the Week goes to the cabal of Muhnah_Muhnah, Optimus, and Wembley. Which one of you is going to write the fanfic? :

Muhnah_Muhnah: More importantly, we need to find out where whores go…

Optimus:They go through the ho door.

Wembley:One Does Not Simply Walk into Hodor.
Oh sorry. Wrong overlong fantasy series.

The May I Suggest Gullivision Comment of the Week goes to thenchonto whose prize is a History Channel DVD pack. Lucky!:

Some History Channel name change suggestions:

The Imaginary History Channel.
The Grown-ups’ Pretend Network
Incredulity TV
The Conspiracy Channel
The Impossible Alternatives to History Channel
Fox News: Historical Edition
Alien Hitler TV

I also suggest that they start pulling crazed hobos off the street to host their shows. A lot of the rants I hear already match well with their programming - it’d be a fairly seamless transition - and this way they’d at least be doing SOMETHING positive for society. Kind of.


The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to Dano who will write it, write it good:

I’m working on an adaptation of “The Sun also Rises”. I’ve lined up Devo for the soundtrack.

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