Eloquent Eloquence, Storm of Vengeance and Whiskey edition, is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Comments in non-Dustin reviews, and the Caption Contest, are not eligible for inclusion.
There is a link in the commenter’s name that will take you to the original post.
If you feel the need for a confetti gun of horrible hair , Courtney Enlow has got the Real Time Review for you.
Wojciech Góralczyk had a fascinating Storytellers piece, but then they always are.
• The Mostly Because He Used the Word Congress Comment of the Week goes to BierceAmbrose for a surprisingly elaborate, yet accurate, metaphor:
I beg to differ.
That press release is a handjob. Although the hand, hands, or instruments in hands - like say a press release - are the preferred, nay most feasible instruments of masturbation (Years of yoga. Still can’t reach.) it’s only masturbation if you do it to yourself.(*)
Unless Abrams is moonlighting as his own flack, that’s not masturbation. Come on, people. If the Interwebs has taught us anything, it’s that preferences in snugglebunnies are incredibly specific.
(*) Humping furniture is something else again, not unlike congress with mannequins or Kradashians. Doubtless there’s a name for that, too.
• The Side Eye and a Shrug Comment of the Week goes to lonolove for some charming ebullience:
I wandered like a child into a field of daisies onto Pajiba this morning (Doo-bee-doo-bee-doooo) and glancing over the first headline I feel…”eh…” then…THEN! WHAT DO MINE EYES SEE?! Rafe Spall??! GADZOOKS! *Fast and Furious Clickery.*
Then I watch the trailer and not only is he dashingly and dollsomely charming, but JASON FLEMYNG IS IN IT! With a speaking part! LAWD HAVE MERCY! This movie can’t hit these shores fast enough.
• The I’m More Worried That’s a Fully Armed and Operational Battle Station Comment of the Week goes to John G.:
that picture is unrealistic. Robocop and the Kool-Aid man have been mortal enemies forever. They would never fight on the same side.
• The How Long Have You Been Waiting to Tell That Story? Comment of the Week goes to fluxion187. Can we please get more words about this or ANYTHING you want to tell us about?:
As I write this, I am currently sitting in a coffee shop in Ojai, CA. It’s the little weird town that “Easy A” was shot and set in (and pretty well portrayed by that film). It also happens to be the town that a one Zachary Pugh, a.k.a. Zachary Levi (Levi is his middle name) grew up and went to high school in, with my wife. When I was a bit of a younger lad, I was directing a one act play in a festival at the nearby Ventura Community college. Mr. Pugh auditioned, and it was clear from the start that he was head and shoulders above the standard fair that I was going to get. But he also knew it and well before he got a professional break, had the juevos to tell all the directors he wasn’t going to touch anything but the lead role in just one of the plays that HE decided he was best for. The more things change, the more they stay the same, I guess. Bitter? Maybe, a bit. I’m not doing to bad now either. One time (no bullshit) I randomly came across a Nepalese man in the middle of the Himalayas who fell down the side of a mountain broke his leg in a compound fracture. My wife and I helped him get airlifted to a hospital that was a two day walk away from his house. I’ve had countless other crazy adventures. So, whether or not these people are famous and whoring it up, really doesn’t make a damn bit of difference to you or any one else. Let them be egotistical and we’ll continue enjoying their idiocy, and hopefully some money actually comes in from the five minutes they spent on that food line.
• The Clearly You’ve Never Lived in Los Angeles Comment of the Week goes to Miss Laaw-yuhr for the best comment on an article whose title included the words “Satan’s Vagina”:
Boobs are inherently trustworthy. Good motto.
• The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to e jerry powell. What Do You Mean “Might”? Sheen would tell you it’s next to the “Elephant’s Trunk Nebula”:
I try to keep my head as far from Charlie Sheen’s terrestrial realm as possible. Might end up in the Crab Nebula.