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Eloquent Eloquence: Smarmtacularity Edition

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | February 15, 2013 |

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | February 15, 2013 |

Eloquent Eloquence, Smarmtacularity Edition, is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Comments in non-Dustin lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua.

There is a link in the commenter’s name that will take you to the original post.

Righteously-indignant Dustin is my favourite, but thoughtful, well-intentioned Dustin comes a close second.

The Dibs on the Halloween Costume! Comment of the Week goes to Miss Laaw-yuhr whose prize is a choice between the biker’s weed and the halfling’s leaf:

His tattoos are just so terrible and in that skit with Tarram Killam the Biebs just looked so very very wee that it makes his whole look (tats, hair, giant tank tops, esp the tats) all the more ridiculous. It’s like a hobbit trying to be hard core and dressing up as a Hells Angel.

The 139 Upvotes for Honesty Comment of the Week goes to NateMan for being a candid and sincere human being:

While I don’t find her nudity discomfort-inducing, I do know where you’re coming from and where it can be difficult to discuss things because of not wanting to come across as bigoted or biased in your view. To whit:

It still makes me uncomfortable to see PDA between 2 guys.

Let me be clear; I’ve lived in Massachusetts my entire life. I applauded when our Supreme Court made our state the first to legalize gay marriage, and I have applauded every time a state has joined the 21st century and left bigotry behind. I hate DOMA, I hated DADT, and I HATE terms like gay thrown out as insults. I work to support a number of groups on our campus that work on LGBTQ issues and support structures. Not to use a cliched bigoty phrase here, but I have a number of gay colleagues and friends, and their sexuality does not bother me one little bit. I’m a young 30s liberal who thinks as long as you enjoy it, and you’re not hurting anyone, you should feel free to do it. I don’t have many traditional views about what it means to be male, or female, or whatever else. Hell, If my 20 month old daughter wants me to wear her pink hat and dance around the house while pretending to take care of her doll, I damn well do it. I do at least 50% of the housework around our home, including cooking every meal and washing pretty much every dish.

But I still sometimes feel a weird little twist in my lower belly when I see two guys kiss or hold hands. I still feel weird when I see a naked dude. I have no reason to feel that way, and every intellectual reason not to, but it still makes me uncomfortable every now and then. And I want to kick my own ass any time it does, because I don’t want to feel that way. It’s not who I want to be, and it’s not who I’ll let myself be.

So… I can relate. I think it’s okay and probably good to feel uncomfortable when our expectations are challenged, because it forces us to acknowledge our own failings. As long as we remember that it’s not that the other person is doing something wrong, but rather that our own responses that are flawed, we’re doing okay.

The You Mess with the Bull, You Get the Horns Comment of the Week goes to Jezzer with plus a H/T (M/F) to Joe Gordon for getting us back on track:

Joe Gordon might not be the first guy to keep a box of tissues near the computer, but his are mostly used to wipe spittle flecks off of his monitor.


The Blatant Pandering to the GoT Pajibterate Comment of the Week goes to The Builder Creosote for a comment the will make sense to the aforementioned group. I hope.:

Okay, you idjits. So, I took that stupid oath, because wheeeee fun! Next thing I know I’m treking up the King’s Road through the Neck, past that pile of rocks and burnt timbers the Starks call a stronghold to end up at this hellhole of a tollbooth made of ice! Do you know what the wind chill is 600 feet above the ground at the friggin’ Artic Circle? No? It’s “Hey I can’t feel my balls!” Bunch of Emo Pinkertons all “honor” this and “Duty” that and “Does this smell like burning flesh to you?” Screw this, I’m signing up with the unsullied. I hear they only work in warm climates, so at least my balls will be more comfortable. Why are you laughing?

The You Get Bragging Rights Only When Proved Correct, and You’ll Have to See the Movie to Do It Comment of the Week goes to MikeRoorda :

I’m calling it right now.

They’re clones sent from an automated seed ship to do thankless work on a nearly abandoned planet Earth. There’s no actual humanity waiting to return to Earth. They all died somehow, and the corporation that Cruise and dispassionate redhead are working for to rehabilitate the planet has gone rogue or is comprised entirely of AI’s/robots who no longer have humanities best interests at heart. Things explode. Truths are revealed. The corporation ultimately loses the fight because they don’t have any feels, and it’s our feels that save us. In the end we all learn the important lesson that indeed, the human spirit is the most resilient thing and will conquer all.

Warm feelings, fist pumping and back thumping abound and we leave the theater feeling better about our species.

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The My New Catchphrase Comment of the Week goes to Steph for coining a term to describe characters we love on TV, but would hate in real life:

It’s not just that these guys are assholes, they also have Hollywood Autism, so they get a pass for some reason.

The Why Didn’t I Think of That Comment of the Week goes to Tasha Rothwell. Can we all be there when she tries to tell TK what to do?:

I’d buy Pajiba and edit the contributors work so it conformed to my thoughts on whatever they were writing about. In a ‘benign dictator’ sort of way. Then I’d award myself ALL the ‘Eloquence’ prizes EVERY week; and then I’d take the remaining $2.45M and…

The Craiglicious Sets Them Up, I Knock Them Down Comment of the Week goes to JJ for topical oenophile humour. That’s quite an accomplishment. Cin cin!:

Craiglicious: I don’t trust wine reviewers in general. No normal person uses the word “redolent”.

JJ: “Dammit, I broke my promise to give up wine and chocolate for the forty days preceding Easter. Can I have a redolent?”

Although to your point, I never claimed to be normal.

The This Week in Thwarted Screenwriters Comment of the Week goes to Artemis. I can’t wait to see the storyboards!:

I swear to god, I thought this was really going to be about Destiny’s Child in Iran. Like they decided to hold a concert there in the early 2000s but some religious extremists got up in arms and there were street protests and rioting. Barricaded in their hotel, Beyonce tried to solve things by an impromptu performance of her balcony but quickly realized that the magic of high-waisted sparkly spandex bell bottoms and an ass that doesn’t quit was only inflaming things further. Forced into hiding at the home of the British ambassador, they posed as the leaders of a course on desert survivalism and claimed that their music video for “Survivor” was in fact a training video. They narrowly managed to flee the country, after their private jet was chased down the runway by an airport official who recognized them from the headshot they autographed for his daughter. To their horror, they realized once they had cleared Iranian air space that they had forgotten Michelle. She was imprisoned for more than 10 years before the diplomatic thaw between President Obama and the Iranian government allowed the U.S. to negotiate her release as a show of good faith. The untold story of Superbowl XLVII, lost among the excitement over Ray Lewis, the Superdome black out, and Beyonce’s lip-synching scandal, was Michelle’s grueling road to recovery, a training regimine (crafted by Tracy Anderson) which took her from starving, muscle-atrophied political prisoner to leather-clad songstress in less than three months.

Your version might be more “realistic” but I think mine would make more at the box office.

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The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to Lauren_Lauren whose prize is a stretch Humvee ride through the White Way of Delight.

It’s just Anne’s modern cousin, Blonde of Pay Cables.

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