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Eloquent Eloquence: Sartorially Corrected Edition

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | March 22, 2013 |

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | March 22, 2013 |

Eloquent Eloquence, sartorially corrected edition, is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Comments in non-Dustin reviews are ineligible for non-exclusion .

I don’t want to diminish this remarkable article by snagging snippets.

First up, a reminder from koko temur: “Its not a party till someone drinks horse blood.” Let’s crack open some Black Beauty and get crazy…

The Come for the Scathe, Stay for the Game Show Fans Comment of the Week goes to Sara_Tonin00 who will be very excited about the return of Match Game:

Why can’t talented indie directors just be happy making unique interesting movies?

What is money, Alex?

The But He Isn’t Really Comment of the Week goes to Bert_McGurt who isn’t better than this, like, at all:

It’s not often you can say, with a straight face, “You’re better than this, Mike Tyson.”

The Deranged and Accurate Comment of the Week goes to zeke_the_pig with a checkmark for Friday!:

Notable exceptions aside, good comedic chops last for only a very short time window. A band of comedic actors surf the wave of a great paradigm for a while and turn out great work, and then the world shifts as they become part of an inevitably stale zeitgeist. Always has been the case; always will be the case. The sad bit comes when they attempt to cling onto greatness desperately, like a poodle onto my tasty salami shoes. The Buddhists say all misery comes from desire and attachment; the poodle and the comedic actor are alike in that they have not learnt this lesson at all. It’s even more tragic because if they simply accepted this new world order and moved on to, say, a few great dramatic roles or being a rottweiler, then they could - as many have shown in the past - flourish.
I pity the poodle who does not become the rottweiler and I pity the Vince Vaughn who doesn’t see how good he was in Into The Wild. Silly Poodle Vaughn, silly silly.

The Hostess with the Mostess Comment of the Week goes to , who is indeed the mostest:

My newspaper regularly runs a feature in which some semiprominent townie is asked who he/she would most like to have dinner with, living or dead, and most of them pick some deceased relative. Jesus Christ. I mean, really, you could have dinner with Jesus Christ and instead you’d choose great-grandpa? Or mommy or daddy, someone you’ve already had dinner with 10,000 times? How fucking boring. I’m picking Jesus and figuring all my dead relatives would understand.

Actually, though, I’m starting with

1. Judas Iscariot

seated next to

2. Jesus Christ

Ooooooo, it is ON! Let’s find out if all that forgiveness stuff was serious.

Bonus: If we run out of wine …

3. Jeanne d’Arc

Because crazy teen-girl visionaries who lead armies in battle are fucking hot.

Seated next to

4. Alexander the Great

Talkin’ ’ leadership, and maybe fucking on the table.

5. Marilyn Monroe.

Because it’s gonna be my birthday dinner, and she’s going to sing me “Happy Birthday.” Like that.

Seated next to

6. Babe Ruth.

Because I’m pretty damn sure the two babes would like each other.

7. John Lennon

Seated next to

8. John Lydon

Rock and roll meets mock and drool.

9. Da Vinci

Seated next to

10. Gallileo

Aw damn, means I have to leave Rasputin off …

I reserve the right to edit this list when I wake up sober.

The The Wood Has Wood? Comment of the Week goes to BlackRabbit with a tip o’the hat to BlackRabbit and Taylor Llaumautner:

No no wait-The block has tackle.

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The You’re in the Right Place Comment of the Week goes to TSF who is clearly one of Nature’s Pajibans:

Surely centaurs belong in the realm of Fantasy, not Science Fiction. Surely.

The Skinny Jeans Are an Instrument of the Devil Comment of the Week goes to klingonfree. Your Viggo is in the mail:

DIE. Everybody looks like a potato on toothpicks.

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The Seriously, Amazon Has EVERYTHING! Comment of the Week goes to Quatermain who has crossed TWO things off his/her shopping list:

“Customers that viewed this item also viewed ‘Ninja Grappling Hook’.” What are you doing with your life that you need 55 gallons of lube and a ninja grappling hook?

The First Watch the Video, Then Read the Rebuttal Comment of the Week goes to Some Guy. First watch the video, then read the rebuttal. Freakin’ glorious!:

Again with the DeathStarDeniers. Let’s go over this again, shall we?

Right out of the gate, the creator of this purportedly “factual” movie asks incredulously asks how a band of mere X and Y wings could take on something the size of the Death Star. How many times does it have to be mentioned that the DS’s defenses were designed to repel a full-scale attack, one involving Capital ships, like the ones employed by the “terrorist” (Really, who are the real terrorists here? They just want to be free for Christ’s sakes! The Empire’s a bunch of Nazi’s and the emperor is Hitler. And Vader Himmler.)

Those turbo lasers COULD NOT hit x-wings. It’s like shooting a cannon at a mosquito. That’s why the TIE fighters were deployed. They had to be destroyed “ship to ship”

2: At 1:50, the video makes the first of several claims that Luke has no combat or flight experience. This, as we all know, is complete bunk. Luke has plenty of flight experience. Probably more than most of the other X-wing pilots he fought with. As poor as that farmboy was, he still owned a T-16 skyhopper, which, as you know, is a light and nimble aircraft built for speed and agility. In fact, Luke would routinely “Thread the needle” in his craft during crazy runs through the narrow walls of beggars canyon on Tattooine. Also, the guy could bullseye Whomrats like it was nobody’s business! Again, if anyone was going to blow up the DS, it was going to be Luke. He was the best pilot there, and a burgeoning Jedi to boot. Get over it.

The director downplays Luke’s skills again at 3:35. It’s a cheap ploy used by people hacks and conspiracy nutters.

3. The director then decides to to try to paint Vader into the story as some sort of terrorist sympathizer or something. The dude is a child killer, plane and simple. First off, Vader didn’t even know that his kids were alive at this point. In fact, he didn’t even know he had a son, let alone two kids.

Anywho, he then goes on to ask with some misguided suspicions why Vader is out there in some “menial fighter” (at 2:40.) Um, hello? Notice how Vader’s fighter looks different than the others? That’s because it’s a TIE advanced, and Vader is the only one who has one. It has shields and the capability to travel at sub-light speeds. What does this tell us? That Vader is some sunday driver, who owns the McClaren F1 of TIE’s yet only drives it on sunny Sundays? Hell no!

Vader is a violent ass, remember? He’s also pretty pompous and full of himself. A whiney bitch, really. He’s got a tricked out fighter because he likes flying and shooting people. And he’s good at it, too. Like, really good. It’s no surprise that he’s out there when something seems amiss, he wants all the credit for stopping the rebels himself.

Then, at 4:50, we’re told that the plans to destroy the death star were given to two droids, implying that C3P0 was anything other than R2D2’s bottom for the duration of their relationship. Anakin didn’t build R2, he built 3P0, and the plans never made it into his shiney hands.

In conclusion, it’s just too perfect. There were so many things that had to happen perfectly for this plan to work. The Empire under-estimated the rebels plain and simple. For the movie’s thesis to work requires a great stretch of the imagination and perfect hindsight.

They lost. Get over it. Next people are going to be claiming the Emperor purposely faked his own death in the death star just to be “cloned” and reborn later on. (Seriously, he gave the rebels the plans for the Death Star II himself, and had to totally known that the Ewoks weren’t to be trifled with. Why else would he send so few troops to guard the shield generator.)

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