Eloquent Eloquence, public meat edition, is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Comments in non-Dustin reviews and the Oscar results contest are ineligible for inclusion.
Due to bad editing on my part, these first two comments got left out last week. Sorry for the approbation delay, guys!
• The After the Oscars This Missed Comment Is Still Relevant Comment of the Week goes to JJ. Your patience is appreciated:
I have lots of musical friends, so it’s okay if I call Russell Crowe a “singer,” you guys.
• The It’s Better Than a Ferret Named Portnoy Comment of the Week goes to the_wakeful whose prize is this finely-aged inclusion:
You forgot to mention that the guy who loves Catcher in the Rye always has a dog named Holden. Always.
• The Well, Duh! Comment of the Week goes to jM. There will be no judgement as to where one imagines the hand to be resting:
OR, maybe I know that a single touch from the naked hand of Charlize Theron is enough to bring mere mortals back from the brink of death.
• The By Popular Demand Comment of the Week goes to Artemis whose prize is a raspberry torte:
Jesus Christ, television. I AM a lawyer. WE ARE NOT THAT INTERESTING.
You know what real lawyers do? They spend a lot of time typing. They research things on a website called Lexis. They have meetings at which everyone says things like “touch base” and “circle back” and “I’m really jammed up on this other case right now, but I could look at that on Thursday.” Some of them (not me, obviously) procrastinate on the internet. Semi-gross takeout food is a regular feature.
You know what (the vast majority of) lawyers don’t do? Go to court. Like, ever. Or at least very, very rarely. They also don’t catch criminals, or uncover political intrigue, or prevent assassinations. Sometimes they have affairs, but it’s usually not all that sexy and ends when someone is forced to buy their wife a new kitchen to prevent a divorce. Sometimes they have bad bosses, but in more of a “you need to stay here all night and make binders for those depositions” vein instead of an “I’m sexyevil and masterminding a murder plot” kind of way.
What’s that you say, faceless TV executives? Television doesn’t have to mirror real life exactly, and your storylines don’t necessarily have to spring directly from the type of job you’ve given your main characters? I agree. SO STOP MAKING ALL THE SHOWS ABOUT LAWYERS. For the love of god, next time have it be an insurance adjuster who prevents an assassination. That’s approximately as realistic as a lawyer doing it.
• The He’s Never Gonna Live That Down Comment of the Week goes to zeke_the_pig (who is also a 92 year old former child star):
Ben Kingsley’s alright I guess. I kinda hoped they’d have plumped for Mickey Rooney instead.
• The Who Doesn’t Love a Dialogue? Comment of the Week goes to VonnegutSlut, but who will they get to play Jennifer Lawrence?:
Jennifer Lawrence is on track to reach Sandra Bullock levels of beloved adorableness. Her genuine WTF?! bewilderment at the almost wholly asinine questions is extremely endearing.
****Here’s what I basically heard****
Oscar Press Conf. Host: And, now, Jennifer, we go to 193 on your far left.
193: Congratulations, Jennifer. I’m Captain Obvious with the “Do You Know We Need To Breath Air To Survive Daily Gazette.” Do you think gravity was ultimately responsible for your fall on the way to the stage?
Jennifer Lawrence: (looks confused, then laughs) Fucking magnets, how do they work? So, yeah, jackass, I do. Next?
Oscar Press Conf. Hose: Number 108?
108: Well done, Jennifer. I’m with the “Dipshits Vying for Their 15 Minutes on Youtube Picayune.” Do you think the fact that you possess two eyes & one nose made your performance in “Silver Linings Playbook” easier for you?
Jennifer: (gives sidelong glance to Host & just shakes head ominously)
Oscar Press Conf. Host: Aaaannnddd now onto 73…
73: Hi, Jennifer. I’m with the “I Know That Nouns & Verbs Exist So Now I’m A Journalist Times.” Just wondering: you’ve got boobs.
Jennifer: Is that a question?
Jennifer: I don’t think—there was no…
• The I for One Can Hardly Wait Until They Open the 50 Shades Ride at Universal Studios Orlando Comment of the Week goes to Pinky McLadybits with a tip o’the hat to Bert_McGurt:
“You must be this sexually repressed to ride!”
• The These Two Should Take It on the Road Comment of the Week goes to lowercase_ryan and Jezzer the greatest comedy duo since Martin and Lewis!:
Jezzer: If you look really closely at that map, there’s a tiny red dot in the Northeast.
That’s TK’s house.
lowercase_ryan: His is purple, cause when blue turns to rage, you get purple.
• The Whatever Happened to Special Snowflake Comment of the Week goes to Quatermain for knowing what an audience wants:
Wait, let me guess…he’s all angst and ‘Wah, I’m dead nobody understands me’ and then there is The Girl and she’s all ‘I understand your Special Snowflakeness’ and then he’s all ‘My dead heart beats no more therefore I cannot love’ and she’s all ‘Well then I’ll become a zombie to prove my love’ and he’s all ‘I can’t let you do that, you have so much to live for and besides mine is a lonely and tortured road’ and then it goes on, one crushing disappointment after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
• The Are His Eyebrows Made of Velour As Well? Comment of the Week goes to Maguita NYC who nonetheless is going to be sued a for libel and have her Clear status revoked:
Disqus is going crazy… But not as crazy as John Travolta’s left eyebrow: It kept trying to run away from his face.
Must be a masseur.
• The Why the Hell Does Kilmer Have a Child’s Head Growing Out of His Nethers? Comment of the Week goes to Lauren_Lauren with a tip o’the hat to NateS1973:
That’s Kyle, the small child he keeps near his balls.
• The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to ToriSee because rules are meant to be broken:
My mother gave me this book for Christmas. I think she’s secretly hoping I’m an introvert and that that would explain why I haven’t as yet done anything remarkable with my life.
No, Mom, Netflix is why I haven’t done anything with my life.