Eloquent Eloquence: King of the Guys Edition

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | June 14, 2013 |

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | June 14, 2013 |

Eloquent Eloquence, King of the Guys Edition, is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Comments in non-Dustin reviews and spoiler-laden Game of Thrones discussions are ineligible for inclusion, and I would like to pre-emptively state that I refuse to look at that Hannibal article that went up yesterday, so if you chose to be clever there, you will not get the attention you so richly deserve.

• The This Bears Repeating From a Mountain Top, But I Don’t Have One of Those, I Have an EE Posting, So This Will Have to Suffice, Humble Though It May Be Comment of the Week goes to Maguita NYC:

I want Richard Madden to braid my hair. Stark naked.

• The What Should Kate Winslet and Ned Rocknroll Name Their Baby Comment of the Week goes to Mrs. Beasley for moving in quickly with the perfect suggestion:

I hope they name their baby Olive. Get it, Olive Rocknroll? Haaaha. Ok I’m done here.

• The It Must Be That They Are Employing Lemurs Or Some Other Species of Primate to Make These Posters Because They Don’t Want to Pay a Human Being’s Salary Comment of the Week goes to llp with a hilarious set up from Jerce that I stole for the intro:

They have outsourced this work to lemurs? That is a new corporate low! Who next gets our jobs - rodents?

“Hey Bob! These lemurs want health insurance - can you believe this crap? Get NIMH on the phone.”

• The You Have to Get Past the Turtle Episode Comment of the Week goes to Christopher for explaining to Tinkerville what happens to people who dislike Breaking Bad:

While finding your comment humourous, I cannot, in good faith, reward your tardiness with an upvote. In direct result of your inferior viewing habits, the Board of Elitist Television Chin-Strokers are strongly counselling me to strike your name from our ranks. I shall let your dismissal notice percolate on this fine cherry desk of mine for a few weeks, giving you time to rethink your position. If you do not suddenly release the proverbial sploosh for the genius that is Cranston, I shall have no choice but to cart from the premeses in one of those nifty upright trolleys. I expected better of you, Ms. Tinkerville. I truly did.

• The HAN SHOT FIRST! Comment of the Week goes to Wembley and BWeaves for seeing how many revisionist filmmakers they could fit on the head of a pin:

Wembley: He’s not deviating.
He’s improviating.

For Peter Jackson is a VISIONARY filmmaker…

I’m sure I read that on the internets somewhere. Once.

BWeaves: He’s not improviating.

He’s Lucasing.

It’s not a compliment.

• The Apparently, Identifying Game of Thrones Characters Unassisted Is the Fun New Way to Torment Your Loved Ones Who Wouldn’t Even Have This Problem If They Would Just WATCH THE DAMN SHOW! Comment of the Week goes to Genevieve Burgess:

“I really hate that creepy old dude!” “Which one? You’re going to have to be more specific.” “The one with the weird family!” “Seriously, give me a shirt color, because THAT’S a better eliminator than ‘weird family’ on this show.” “Black!” “I hate you.”

• The Who Can Resist a Co*k Fight? Comment of the Week goes to Bert_McGurt and NateMan because if they had resisted, we wouldn’t have this:

Bert_McGurt: If you can round them up I’ll gladly assist with this cock-punching of which you speak.

NateMan: Just to be clear before I do… We’re going to punch them in their cocks, right? As opposed to, you know, with ours? It’s a small but important distinction.

Bert_McGurt: Oh, yes, certainly. If we want to be extra meta we can wear rooster gloves while we punch them.

NateMan: Oh! And yell “COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO!” at the same time.

I think I’m going to lobby Pajiba to change ‘F*ck, Marry, Falcon-Punch’ to ‘F*ck, Marry, Cock-Punch’. Let’s get a little anti-misogyny up in here.

• The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to Quatermain for some restoration work on our faith in humanity:

I remember when I was in my early 20’s I was wandering around the country, doing odd jobs just to see different places and I got off the Greyhound in a fairly small town in Alabama. I had been sitting next to this older guy and we’d been talking a little, the way people do. I was sitting outside the bus station smoking and mulling my options and he
and his wife pulled up in their car. He said ‘Son, you got anywhere to spend the night?’ and after I allowed my options were pretty much limited to low-end motels, he offered to take me home with them.

I went with them and they fed me a good old fashioned Southern dinner and let me sleep in their guest room. The next morning at breakfast he says ‘Son, we go to church on Sunday mornings here. Now you’re welcome to come with us, or you’re welcome to stay here and we’ll see you when we get back.” I couldn’t quite believe he was going to let a stranger stay in his house by himself and said as much. He looks at me and says ‘Everything you see in this house was given to us by God. I’m pretty sure He can either protect it or replace it as he sees fit.’

I did end up going to church with them and it was through people in the church that I found a job and a place to stay within the week. I ended up staying there for about eight months before moving on to VA to help a friend of a friend work his bar. I kept in touch with some of the people there and although my original benefactor has since passed on, I still get Christmas and birthday cards from his wife. I occasionally think of moving back down there, especially when those MN winters close in.