Eloquent Eloquence: Imagine What Salma Hayek Would Look Like With Beer Goggles!

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | October 12, 2012 |

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | October 12, 2012 |

Eloquent Eloquence is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Comments in reviews and on the caption contest are not eligible for inclusion.

There is a link in the commenter’s name that will take you to the original post.

• The Don’t Make Me Choose! Comment of the Week goes to this entire thread of Pajibans being sad and offended and lovely and captious and all the other things that make the site wonderful.

• The It’s Definitely M.I., It Might Even Be T.M.I., But It Also Calls for an SRL Comment of the Week goes to bleujayone. Do go on:

“How Much Would You Pay To Get Khal Drogo In Your Pants?”

-The question in our house is what would I do to get Khal Drogo OUT of my pants! The answer of course is anything and with great difficulty since Baby Bleuberry has done a remarkable job of evaporating much (read that as ALL) sexytime. How is she ever going to get a sibling? It is probably going to involve a Herculean effort of covert quickstrike during a naptime.

And while I have no idea how you’re privy to but one of our pet names, I’d appreciate you keeping silent on the others. It took me forever to shake the last one loose…”Thulsa Doom” isn’t nearly as awesome a bedchamber moniker as one might think.

• The First Get Salma Hayek in Your Kitchen Comment of the Week goes to Natallica for a tantalizing preview of what happens when you mix drinks and unobtainable women:

There’s no need to go sober. If these women do exist without beer goggles, just imagine what would be actually LOOKING AT THEM WITH BEER GOGGLES! After four or five bottles, you would have Salma cooking you real, bona-fide mexican tacos in a corset and fishnets while Hendricks pours you a Jack Daniels and starts a conversation about the pros and cons of puppies and kittens

• The Statham Is Always the Answer Comment of the Week goes to BigRedMachine, despite the inexplicable exclusion of potential bare Statham torso.

Parker. Hands down. Obviously.
Jason Statham dressed like the Woody Harrelson version of a cowboy, doing an intentionally bad Texas cowboy accent?
Cinema gold.
And the last 14 years of J-Lo have yet to tarnish my memories of “Out of Sight,” so I’ll hold out hope that she makes good again.

• The I’m an Anti-Somnolence Davenport Mechanism, Consistently Comment of the Week goes to firedmyass for wrasslin’ a baffling jumble of words:

“I’m not a fan of donuts, personally.”

Ooh! Can I play?

“At times I’m an air conditioner of ennui, scientifically.”

This is that new game where we make up sentences that, while grammatically correct, make no goddam sense, right?

• The Because They Deserve It Double Inclusion Tag Team Comment of the Week goes to zeke_the_pig and Natallica. Both Putin and the shark will be shirtless:

zeke_the_pig: Putin would never iron his own pants. A shark’s pants, though? Yes.

Natallica: No, no. Putin would force the shark to iron his pants. And the shark would LOVE it

• The Rocket Racoon Defense Tactics Plan A Comment of the Week goes to BobbFrapples because the damn things just move out of range when you spray them with the hose:

If you hand him a cracker in the middle of a gunfight will he stop firing bullets and wash the cracker? Raccoons = OCD food washers of the animal world.

• The Between Gun Brandishing Raccoons, Iron Wielding Sharks, and a Zombie Apocalypse, I’m Getting a Little Antsy Comment of the Week goes to MikeRoorda:

As we learned from Brooks in World War Z, cruise ships are an extremely risky venture. If you haven’t properly insured that everyone on board is free of zombie-itis or cleared all the undead out of the cargo holds, a ship at sea quickly becomes a floating all-you-can-eat brain buffet. You also have to be concerned about them climbing the rigging if you remain anchored. (They aren’t alive, they don’t breath and can walk around underwater indefinitely.) Lastly, if you DO manage to set up on a ship and are safe from infection, the question of logistics quickly becomes an issue. Finding enough fresh water and food to keep everyone alive is extremely difficult. You *could* raid infected ships after they’ve mostly died off from starvation or stumbled overboard, but then you risk infection yourself, and there’s no guarantee that the foodstuffs will still be usable.

If I had to chose someplace to ride out the zombie invasion it would be in an old castle some place rural in Europe. They’re already designed to resist sieges and are intentionally easy to defend. Some of them have their own sources of fresh water. Keep enough cattle or livestock on hand and as SOON as shit goes south stock as many dry goods as possible and you might be able to make it through.

• The What To Do When There Are Three “Pigs” on a Thread Comment of the Week goes to zeke_the_pig . Go with him, if you want to live:

Shotgun house made of bricks!

• The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to Idiosynchronic. Your new pajibanym is The Thigh Master:

I toured with an ice skating company one summer. I fear no thigh.