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Eloquent Eloquence: I'm Your Holy Crocodile Edition

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | November 23, 2012 |

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | November 23, 2012 |

Eloquent Eloquence, I’m your holy crocodile edition, is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Comments in reviews are not eligible for inclusion.

There is a link in the commenter’s name that will take you to the original post.

As Jezzer said, “This review is so magical that I don’t even resent you for not making TK do it.

And as if that wasn’t awesome enough, we also got a sequel to Kindergarten Cop.

The Simply Eloquent Comment of the Week goes to Artemis. Well said:

This story makes me sad on so many levels. Like NateMan, I have a default position of not disbelieving people who allege sexual assault. Part of the reason I have that as a default position is because so many people take the opposite position and knee-jerk respond to every allegation of a sex crime with victim blaming and doubt-casting that they would never apply to other types of crimes. And because Elmo — and Clash himself, following Being Elmo (and yes, I also loved that movie and loved him during it) — is so beloved, it’s been even moreso in this case.

So no, we don’t know what happened. But before anyone starts talking about how the accusers are so troubled or sketchy, remember that people who victimize minors often purposefully choose victims who they don’t think will be believed (see also: Sandusky). And before anyone says that even if they were underage they willingly had sex with Clash, remember that it wouldn’t matter if that were true because it would still be against the law — and that the reason it’s against the law is because we have made a collective judgment that a teenager can’t give meaningful consent to sex with an adult, regardless of what they say at the time. And before anyone says that it looks like these guys just want money, take a look at the shitstorm they’re in the middle of right now and ask yourself whether, if you were a victim, you would feel like talking about something terrible that had happened to you and then be met with overwhelming scrutiny, skepticism, and anger. Sometimes the reason accusations look like they’re about money is because even legitimate victims have zero incentive to put themselves through what is happening to those two men right now unless they think they can get something out of it.

The Solidarity Sister! Comment of the Week goes to klingonfree. Again, it’s the sexual attraction to llamas that is the most disturbing:

I am only a few paragraphs into this and I am kinda pissed. Middle aged former frat boys have been lusting after nubile girls onscreen in movies meant for guys half their age and no one thinks it is anything but “atta boy.” Middle aged Bud drinkers go apeshit over boobs-with-a-pulse a la American Pie and movies of that ilk and it’s funny wink-nudgy. Women do it to movies like this piece of crap and they are pitiful, ridiculous specimens. Kinda fucked up.

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The Our Long National Nightmare Is Over Comment of the Week goes to [tight fisted shiver of joy] KBalls. KBALLS! [scampers frolicsomely through Pajiba strewing flower petals and expletives]:

I am Coach Taylor as a father. My love will lift you up, motherfucker.

The King of the Shi*can Comment of the Week goes to bleujayone. The door is Michael Richards:

At these parties, instead of the Limbo they all take turns trying to get out the front door before the door hits them in the ass. I’m told Ted McGinley is the undisputed king.

The To Make You Feel My Love Comment of the Week goes to Miley’s Virus. How’d it go yesterday? Do you need a hug?

So last Thanksgiving my brother broke the frame of my couch, smashed it to pieces. The tool he used was my uncle. Then he elbowed my uncle in the face and knocked two teeth out. This caused my mother to throw a beer bottle (empty) at my brother. She missed and it smashed on the wall. During all this our friends from down the hall (“If you’re not doing anything special just come over, we’ll have a great time!”) gathered their children and locked themselves in the bathroom, refusing to come out until they were certain all combatants were out of the apartment. My brother and Uncle both went for walks to “cool off” but actually bumped into each other a block away and resumed fighting. They were broken up by some doormen from nearby apartments and my brother went home. At about the same time I was in the apartment destroying my sister-in-law at the Michael Jackson Experience game on xbox. Cast this please.


The Say What You Will About the Movies, But They Spin Scathing and Bitchy Gold Comment of the Week goes to Fredo:

Is Bella just gonna hold that apple, or will she eat the goddamn thing?

I thought the apple was a metaphor for Bella’s implied virginity. If that’s so, isn’t Edward supposed to be the one who eats it?

I mean, if Bella could eat her own apple, the hell she needs either Edward or Teen Wolf for? Or maybe if Bella had found one of those apple massagers…

The Series of Tubes Comment of the Week goes to Optimus Rhyme Has Ranylt sent you your cultural studies cookie yet? :


The Tell Me About the “Twinkies” Comment of the Week goes to BWeaves for bravery in the face of a snack cake apocalypse:

That’s a slur to Ho-ho’s everywhere.

Little Debbie Does Dallas is embarrassed for your Ding-Dong.

The Let Me Get My Mead Goggles Comment of the Week goes to TheOriginalMRod . Your palate cleanser is below:

Now we know what Ren Faire Bond would look like. Great.

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Not that one. This one. You’re welcome:

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The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to Maguita NYC . You’re the slutty intern of our hearts:

Of course Obama is the slutty intern: Aren’t slutty interns all for the pill and abortion? And please, let us not forget how those slutty interns are all also for gay sex.

I love you slutty intern.

Arguably by Christopher Hitchens | Post-Turkey Trailer Round-Up #1: Sci-Fi Edition (Featuring Felicity And Large Hadron Collider Zombies)