film / tv / politics / social media / lists / web / celeb / pajiba love / misc / about / cbr
film / tv / politics / web / celeb


That Is One Pissed-Off Crotchfruit

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | December 3, 2009 |

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | December 3, 2009 |

This is a first. I’m writing this at noon, I’m freshly showered (yes, at noon) and though I’m starving most of my mental faculties are in right order. Plus I’m super excited at reading the delurking thread, as it’s bringing out some great lurkers from the shadows and hopefully they’ll become full Eloquents in no time at all. Let me just clear this up, though:

An Eloquent isn’t made by being on the EE. An Eloquent is anyone who comments. Doesn’t matter how often, or how long your comment is. If you voiced your opinion on an article, you’re an Eloquent. And always remember that at least one person is reading your comment. And since I’m the most awesome person around, what else do you need?

I’m really digging that thread, you guys. I hope a lot of the lurkers realize that while we might have long conversations with each other we’re always willing to talk with new people and harrass them. Specially if there is groping involved. So just participate and wallow in the Pajiban love and war. And maybe if you’re lucky you’ll see TK’s basement (no that is not a euphemism. I hope) or admin’s sparkletits. What I mean is, it’s a big playground and we don’t only like to play with ourselves. Oh, yeah.

One last thing: I’m going to be traveling all of this week (first to Houston on Saturday and then on to Dallas on Monday) so I’m not gonna be doing the EE next week. I am now volunteering the pajibacouple Optimus_Rhyme and battgirl to take over this place next week. They told me they were interested so BAM there you go. Volunteered. And then I’ll need volunteers for the last two weeks of December when I’ll be busy getting married n’ stuff. So prepare your volunteering papers.

Have a good time and see you in two weeks!


Hours later … holy crap that thread exploded and it makes me happy in my pants. Welcome lurkers! I hope you don’t lurk no more. Here’s your list. *hic*. You’ll notice a lot of them came from the delurking thread. That’s both because I loved the hell out of that thread and damn, there some great comments in there and I had a hard time getting the best.

First, an extra — Staff Comment of the Week:

10.5 Oh look I get to be a fucking movie star because daddy is the Fresh Prince. Meritocracy my ass. The connections pass down generation to generation, networks of nepotism intertwining like medieval royalty. Let in a fresh pair of tits or a clever rhymer every few years to keep the bloodlines fresh. Bunch of fucking hemophiliac werewolves.
—Steven Lloyd Wilson



Hi! I’ve been reading this site for, shit, three or four years now, but I’ve only commented a few times. Love the site, though. Always a slightly different take. —erik the shred

[It was the ‘Hi!’ that did it.]

9. No worries, Tracer. I’m sure BananaPanda is just resting (tranqed out) in his home (my pleasure dungeon) after the holiday festivities (raping). —jM

[it’s not an in-joke when everyone knows about jM and pandas. It kills me every single time.]

8. Was it really necessary to list Tennessee Williams’ entire resume at the beginning of this thing? I mean, How about ‘By Tennessee Williams’ … moving on … Because if you don’t know who that is by name recognition alone,

1) You will not be interested in seeing this movie anyway

2) You are too unedumacated to recognize any of those works, so why beat us over the head with it?

There is sometimes a reason writers ‘lose’ stuff.

Other titles by Tennessee ‘Divot head’ Wilkins

Cat on a Hot Plate
A Streetcar Named the #42
The Glass Laundry Basket
The Night of the Box Turtle
—Lindsey with an ‘e’

7. New aquaintance: “So, what does your husband do?”
Me: “He’s a college professor.”
NA: “What does he teach?”
Me: “Astronomy, Oceanography and Beastiology.”
NA: “BEASTIOLOGY!!!!?????”
Me, annunciating slowly: “BEACH GEOLOGY.” —Bweaves

[When I was just starting to learn English, I once pronounced “beach” as “beetch” in front of the entire class. They laughed, the teacher looked embarrassed, I was confused.]

6. This movie makes me want to put on some super-skinny jeans and a scarf, then withdraw some money from my trust fund and go buy a pack of cloves, then smoke said cloves while listening to TV On The Radio and discussing cinematography. —Farthammer

[you just forgot the PBR]

5. I´ve been lurking for almost five years now but i´m painfully shy and i never posted anything till now, so great thread Sarina!

To celebrate, a poorly contructed poem:

Lurked for over a year
And never posted
A little queer
You might have noted

But now here I am
And if you say “damn”
Go drink a beer,
Or you can kiss my rear.

ps: English is not my first language. —Nat

[I hope that last line is part of the poem. It really makes it perfect.]

4. is it chomping or champing ? —Christian

Champing. Hate to be the grammar bitch, though. But if there were a grammar bitch superhero, what would she wear? — patchfire

Red and black costume. Giant Red X on the chest.
She’d be a villain. Total bitch.
Like you.
*drops everything and throws hands in the air*

[it’s that last gesture that I love so much.]

3. I just remembered the person who not only makes some of the most bizarre porn films around but I think he’s pretty bizarre even by bestiality standards so because this is a film site and all that I thought I’d share my knowledge. Obviously the director is Japanese. His name is Daikichi Amano. He’s got a thing for eels, octopus and all kinds of seafood. They say you haven’t lived until you see a sweet petite Japanese woman with eels coming out/in from her every orifice! Men who look like they would do brutal things to said women are also said to populate his films. Note to animal lovers: No animals are harmed or wasted during filming. After filming apparently they cook the fish and have a great meal. Fun fact: Sometimes a little fishy gets lost and pops out of a girl’s vagina a week after filming or something.

If you really want to check out more go to

(didn’t provide a live link to make sure no one clicks on it accidentally.

How do I know all this? Don’t ask :-)

P.S. I’m presuming I’ve just destroyed any half decent reputation I might have garnered through previous posts. I just really had nothing better to do this evening! At least there’s always Barbado Slim around so I won’t be considered the only perv! —barf

[……no words.]

2. Admin, how can you hate Barrymore that much? Sure, her current movies cater to the mostly brain dead. But, E.T.! Come on! That’s like a lifetime membership in cool for me. And Firestarter! I can’t tell you how many times I have told fire to “backoff.”
—Peanut_Butter_And_James (formerly James)

And that is why Peanut_Butter_And_James has no eyebrows. The end. —Julie

No worries. I learned how to draw them on with a sharpie from the George Lopez show. They used to say “coward” and now they scream “bitch!” —Peanut_Butter_And_James

[Not only did he take a name I suggested (go me!). Not only did he delurk in a most hilarious manner. He also made a Chola reference and it made me squee a little bit]

[Our #1 this week is short and sweet, and oh man every time I look at it it makes me cackle like a monkey or some other…thing.]

1. That is one pissed-off crotchfruit up there! My ovaries just ran and hid behind my kidneys. —tarn


One angry baby + “crotchfruit” + mental image of rampaging ovaries = comment GOLD.

Congratulations, tarn! You win a Baby Bazooka, in production as we speak by Figgidaboudit Enterprises, inc. It will launch babies at 30mph, mostly at other angry babies and people with babies. Keep your ovaries happy, will be the tagline! Keep babies away! BABIES AWAY! *BOOM*

Yes, I’m a little tipsy. But congratulations, tarn. You are awesome and pretty.

I’m out. Thanks lurkers for coming out to play. You were so much fun.

Figgy is living in Honduras until Saturday, then moving to the great state of Texas. All shall love me and despair.

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.