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No One Likes a Big Bowl of S**t for Breakfast

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | October 29, 2009 |

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | October 29, 2009 |

Hello my wackadoodles, I’m back.

And feeling particularly uninspired tonight. I miss “Glee” and even forgot to watch “America’s Next Top Model.” Baseball ruins EVERYTHING. You people are lucky we only get a football World Cup every four years, otherwise you’d never hear the end of it. But oh, next year? You will suffer.

I don’t even know who I’m talking to. I seriously have nothing to say. DarthCorleone said it best: “Fuck the Phillies. Fuck the Yankees.” Yes. Thank you.

Oh, wait! I do have something to say! Two somethings! First, thanks to the most awesome Cindy for taking care of things last week. Bow before her awesomenosity.

And secondly, and I hope that the people who haven’t read Dustin’s fifty billion explanations will read THIS at least: STOP WHINING ABOUT THE ADS. *ahem* No, seriously, people. Audio and video ads are annoying? No shit! What next, are you going to tell me that Paris Hilton is a vapid whore? Thank you! Now I can live my life as an expert on everyone! But sheesh, whiners. Dustin has already told you, time and time again, that Pajiba not only needs the ads to keep existing, but that Pajiba (and pay attention to this because this is the important bit) HAS NO SAY IN WHAT ADS GET PUT ON THE SITE. There was a whole comment thread about it! And people argued and bitched and discussed it endlessly and I had to read the whole thing so DAMMIT so should you. So stop your whining and just mute your goddamn computer and deal with it. Pajiba’s got to get paid, yo. (There are no existing audio ads, to my knowledge. — DR)

But since the whiners are generally lurkers who don’t ever pay attention, this is probably an exercise in futility. So pass it on.

Anyway, here’s the list.

First, an extra! Because including staff comments on the list will inflate their heads more than is healthy for anyone, so it’s an extra:

10. 5

Dustin: War’s over, man. Justin Theroux dropped the big one.

The Boozehound: Over? Did you say “over”? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!

TK: Germans?

Seth: Forget it, he’s rolling.

The Boozehound: And it ain’t over now. ‘Cause when the goin’ gets tough…[thinks hard]…the tough get goin’! Who’s with me? Let’s go!

[runs out, alone; then returns]

The Boozehound: What the fuck happened to the Pajiba I used to know? Where’s the spirit? Where’s the guts, huh? This could be the greatest night of our lives, but you’re gonna let it be the worst. “Ooh, we’re afraid to go with you Boozehound, we might get in trouble.” Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I’m not gonna take this. Thoreaux, he’s a dead man! Lisbe, dead! Reger…

TK: Dead! Boozehound’s right. Psychotic, but absolutely right. We gotta take these bastards. Now we could do it with conventional weapons that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody’s part.

The Boozehound: We’re just the guys to do it.

Dustin: Let’s do it.

Boozehound: *Let’s do it*!

—Steven Lloyd Wilson

[They never did anything. Typical!]

[10.25 — From that same thread, I had to add this one, cause I thought it was just the greatest — DR]

This news reminds me of a famous old quote that my Mom used to say to us when we (my brothers and I) were bickering on a school morning : “Shut the fuck up, because no one likes a big bowl of shit for breakfast, you little cockstain.”

And Mom was right. I don’t know a single person who does. — John Denver’s Wingman

10. Guns? Bayonets? We’re talking FOOT SWORDS people! Built. right. in.

Geez. This girl one time in elementary school? Went to a school skate? Like down the block at the open air rink? We have those up here in Canadatown…anyways…she got her fricking skull sliced right open! By ten year old catholic kids! Skates are hella dangerous. Poor Emer O’Brian.

Anyways, imagine what you could do with intent to maim. —replica

[I love the breathless tone at the start of this. Poor Emer.]

9. You know, if you think about it sufficiently, its a much bigger problem that Dane Cook’s lips move when he’s on stage than Dunham having the same issue. —Puffs253

[Deep. And true.]

8. I never saw this movie.

I did see its porn equivalent, the Bare Wench Project. I was under the influence of something illegal at a friend’s house. The shaky cam coupled with heaving fake bosoms made me so nauseated that I stumbled off into a bedroom to lie down.

But I always thought it was drugs that made the shaky cam so unbearable.

The more you know … —myysharona (formerly Sharon)

[I love that she said ‘bosoms.’ *shooting star*]

7. Actually, Short Circuit 2 is in my head in a better light. But, it’s mostly for the scene near the end where the villians beat Johnny 5 to pieces with a crowbar and an axe, him shrieking and pleading for his robot life while red hydraulic fluid sprays everywhere.
It’s probably the same reason why my girlfriend can’t watch Scrubs anymore. I insist on us watching the episode where Brendan Fraser’s character dies, and I laugh and laugh the entire time. I think she sent the DVDs back to her mom.

That’s right. I kill happiness.

Who wants to watch Requiem for a Dream? Eh? A little Sophie’s Choice, anyone? I won’t laugh, but I promise to hand you Kleenex and then squeeze the tears into a real fruit smoothie. —Jim Doggie

[I don’t even want to know what you think of Wall-E. Freak!]

6. Yes Yes Yes. Edward Cullen is Paul, Russel Brand as Gurney Halleck, Jessica Biel as Jessica, Jared Leto as Duke Leto, and Katherine Heigl as the sand worm. Unoriginal score by My Chemical Romance. Is that your block…. it just got bustered! —Colostomy Baggins

[I love the handle, and I love the idea of Worm Heigl. Can she be the end on a human centipede?]

5. Nathan Fillion could:
Use the Force on me
Tell me he’s my daddy
Dress me in a gold bikini
Jabba My Hut
Wookiee me
Jar Jar my Binks

Especially with that mustache. Yum. —esme

[Wookie me. Heeheeheeeheeeheee…]

4. If I wanted to get off AND be sacrilicious, I would turn on the television channel that airs live Catholic masses.

Oh, Julie, The Husband and I accidentally banged a gong and got it on while a Catholic mass was playing on the television in my bedroom. The show we were watching was over and the mass began while we were mid-coitus. The best part? This was when we were unmarried and The Husband is Catholic. That could’ve been in Alanis’s Ironic song.

It’s like Catholic maaaaaasss
when you’re getting your dick wet.
And who would have thought? It figuuuuuures… —Pinky McLadybits


[This next is a collection of examples of everything I love about Pajibans—inspired by Rocky, of all things]

3. Rocky 7: The Fight For Bladder Control —admin

Rocky 7: In My Oops I Crapped My Pants —branded

[that was my favorite]

Rocky 7: Rascal Drift —BarbadoSlim

Rocky 7: I’m Cold and the Ring Lights Are Too Bright and Why Are There So Many People Here? —Tracer Bullet

Rocky 7: Back In My Day…. —admin

Rocky VII: Get Your Government Hands Off My Medicare —PaddyDog

Rocky v. solid food, Return of the Earlybird Special.
Rocky v. the Nurses who keep stealing my medication.
Rocky v. The Harlem Globetrotters.
I’d watch those on cable. —Rubble44

[Me too! I love you people.]

2. You know, I can’t think of Dune or David Lynch without remembering a dream my boyrfriend had:

He’s climbing up a spiral staircase and encounters a pretty woman arguing with a very humanistic android that looks like Ed Norton (imagine Robin Williams in Bicentennial Man but with Ed Norton in the costume). They are arguing about something, and then Capt. Benjamin Sisko from DS9 comes in from nowhere and says “How would you like to hear THIS man talk about OVERSEAS TRADE?!?”

At that point I told him that the only thing keeping this from being a David Lynch dream would be the arrival of a little talking bladder, which would splort onto the scene and say “Fuck, I’m staying out of this one, guys.” And then splort back out.

I guess that’s how I feel about David Lynch. —Cat

[“Splort” is now my new favorite word.]

[Our #1 this week is long, but so, so worth it]

1. There was a guy handing Jack Chick comics out at Oktoberfest this weekend. Sadly, I had to tell him good day as he did not have the Halloween issue “Don’t Lick the Devil’s Cock”.

I checked their website to see what sort of tardtaculous anti-Halloween platform they had going. From their list of tips regarding dealing with trick or treaters:

“10. Won’t be home? Leave a box of Chick tracts at your front door with instructions.”

Said instructions are, of course:

Happy Halloween! Please take one booklet each to share with your family and friends. We don’t know how many kids will be coming by tonight and we’d hate to run out. As you may have guessed, since we have the lights on but no decorations of any kind (well, barring the lighted NASCAR nativity scene we put up last week) we don’t have any candy, but we have put out little religious tracts disguised as festive comic books. That’s much better than candy, right?

Now, down to business. You’ll find that the finish of our automobile is delicate and likely to suffer damage from exposure to raw egg whites and yolks. The 14 dozen eggs that you see on the sidewalk have all been left to rot in their packages for 3 weeks, so you know they’ll do the trick. Also, we’ve parked the car on the street to facilitate your fusillade. Next, our home windows are quite fragile and the rocks of our front yard are notoriously sharp and heavy. We’ve opened the curtains so that our Hummel figurines and Precious Moments statues may share in our window panes’ shattery fates. Oh, we are home, but any flaming bags of dogshit will likely burn out long before we’ll consider leaving the cover we’ve sought since noon under our beds. I’m sure the repeated knocking and doorbell ringing will probably be quite festive, though. We’ve cut down all the trees in the front yard, but the roof of the house will be a real mess when covered with the toilet paper rolls you’ll find on the porch. Finally, you’ll note of course that the new white paint job on the house will be quite susceptible to filthy words written on the siding in human excrement. Well, I guess that’s it! Have a safe and happy Halloween! —laredo


Oh, Jack Chick. Will you never triumph?

Awesome, laredo. You’ve been sneaking in great comments for ages and huzzah! This is your time to shine! You win…um…dammit, what do you mean we’re not giving out DVD’s anymore? What? You’re killing me, Rowles! And some people never got theirs (They will. I promise. — DR)? Well, damn! Here’s what we’ll do, laredo. We’ll just pretend I’m giving you the most awesome DVD of all time, k? And then we can be all what? We sent it! Totally! And then you’ll be all I never got it ! but I still have the glory! And then we’ll be all ha-ha! Fooled another one! And it will all be well.

And really, you win at life, because winning at Pajiba is like winning at everything. The haters will tell you otherwise, but they’ve just never won before and are jealous poopypants. So, congratulations!

See you all next week, bimbos and baseball whores. Have an awesome Halloween. I’ll be here, in a non-Halloween-celebrating country, glaring up at all of you. Nyah. Don’t drink and drive, don’t let Skitz near your children and keep Sarina away from the Smarties.

Figgy got a rock.

Pajiba Love 10/29/09 | Avatar Trailer

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.