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By Doctor Controversy | Eloquent Eloquence | October 1, 2009 |

By Doctor Controversy | Eloquent Eloquence | October 1, 2009 |

Ladies and gentlemen…the Doctor is in! Hope you’re all fine on this beautiful (I assume) Thursday afternoon. I’m Doctor Controversy: man about town, raconteur, visionary, and EE moderator for the past week. You may remember me from such comments as “Monopoly: the Movie,” “Human Centipede Ass Talking,” and the guy who was threatened with a Manolo Blahnik up the nose when he got mouthy about the Sex and the City movie. (Which, by the way, I hope you choke on your studio mandated sequel. Have fun with Miley!) I have to say, after this week I can better appreciate Figgy’s efforts in this job because it’s a bitch keeping track of everything everyone’s said around here. Especially when rape, poverty, and C’thulu enter the picture! (No, not in the same thread. Though still, I could see where you’d get that.)

That having been said, I’d like to answer some (In)Frequently Asked Questions about myself:

- What’s your Doctorate in? Your mother…though to perfectly be frank, I’m not a real doctor. I just play one on Pajiba. That, and during the Great Name Change I adopted the “Doctor” bit because of two of my favorite doctors…The Doctor from “Doctor Who” and Doctor Manhattan from Watchmen.

That’s about the only question that’s been asked, really. So, self-servedness aside, I have 10 really good quotes and one honorary mention (if it pleases the court). I would warn you, some of them might be quite controversial. Then again, controversy is naturally my stock in trade. So, without further ado …

The Marx Brother’s “Verbal Slapstick Honorary Mention” goes to the following exchange…

“This idea is dumber than a box full of pixie sticks.”

That’s slander, my friend. You’ll be hearing from my lawyers. — Skitz
I take offense to that remark. You’ll be hearing from my boyfriend. — Pixie Stixxx - Exotic Dancer

That’s slander, my friend. You’ll be hearing from my lawyers. — Skittimus Maximus - CEO, Pixie Stix Inc

Actually, boss, that’s libel (since it was written). — Forbiddendonut - General Counsel, Pixie Stix Inc.

Listen fucker, there’s a lot of us smart Pixies out here too. You’ll be hearing from my associates. Connected Associates, catfish? — Pixie Stix #21,413,982 - New Jersey

Thank you. I’ve had a pretty bad rap… — Box of Rocks

“This idea is dumber than a box full of pixie sticks.”
Yeah. What the (…hic..) rock box said. — Drunk Toddler

What’s everyone talkin’ about? — Box Full of Pixie Sticks

WHOO! In your FACE, assholes! — Roll of Smarties

Fuckin’ a right. Me and brother Box of Rocks are tired of being the…uh, thing… that… er, um, dumb stuff… is um.. called… like? Fuck you. — Bag of Hammers

[KABOOM!!] — Poprocks mixed with soda


[I had to give some sort of praise to this. I know it was mostly Skitz being…well skitz, but you try not laughing yourself into a fit of tears after all of that beautiful chaos. You get an honorary mention, Skitz.]

10. This kind of stuff always makes me wonder: If we saved, say, 5 million people a year from disease and famine and war, that’s 5 million more we’d have to find food for, right? And water. And jobs. And energy. And places to dispose of waste … And those 5 million would beget 15 million, and those 15 million would beget 50 million …

Not to be too glib about it, but maybe war and disease and famine are nature’s way (our nature, human nature) of regulating populations a bit. We’ve gotten really good now at the medical angle of it, lots and lots of people are living long lives who would have been dead already 20 or 50 or 100 years ago, and some of the best minds on the planet are working on eradicating what’s left to be eradicated (AIDS, cancer, malaria etc.), and what has it gotten us? An extra billion or two people who get to live longer in hunger and poverty and misery.

Fortunately, we still have two of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse, war and famine, working pretty well for us, often hand-in-hand. But when I see movies that depict a utopian future where all of our problems have been eliminated and human beings live extended lives, I always wonder where the fuck they’re putting and how they’re feeding 50 billion people. — , (TCFKAB)

[I hate to say it, but I sorta fall on TCFKAB’s side here. We shouldn’t be letting people starve to death, but Nature is a cruel bitch too. Let’s not lie all of the blame on our heads. Middle road, people.]

9. So the last person on this centipede is a cute college girl?

Not that I would want to have sex with it. I’m just sayin’. She’s probably pretty bored laying around all day. Everybody needs companionship, right?

Nah, forget it. The Japanese guy in front would want to watch and that would make it weird. — Kballs

jesus, my coffee is brewing too slowly.

i’ll remember this news later today, when i’m woke up proper.

wait, what did i read this morning? hannah montana is the new middle link in the human centipede movie? Talk about your ATM! (she’s just bein miley) — gp

[At this point, I’d like to conduct a quick informal poll. Would anyone be interested in co-financing a Hollywood remake of Human Centipede with Udo Kier as “Eeevil German Doktor,” Ken Jeoung as “Crazy Japanese Guy”, and a human centipede chain of at least two starletards? (I’m thinking Miley and Heiglfield? We’re open to casting here.]

8. [in reference to production of the third Lost Boys film commensing]

Where’s grandpa with his suped-up vampire killing truck to run over this fetid abortion — bignick

[Just imaging Grandpa from Lost Boys 1 with a “Vampire Abortion Truck” makes me smile with glee. I think this should be considered for an alternate ending to the fourth Twilight film, “OMNOMNOMNOM!” (also pedestrianly known as “Breaking Dawn”.) Ok, we’ll compromise: “Breaking, NOM!”]

7. The biggest issue I have with the credibility of the Oscars is the total lack of it? How the fuck can you nominate movies for best anything when they haven’t even been released yet?

Also: No District 9? Get fucked, Academy.

[seconds later]

Please ignore the wandering question mark. That little shit got out of his cage and I still haven’t been able to get a good shot at him. — admin

[This is the man who’s taking over for my taking over for Figgy next week. I think it’s safe to say we’re in good hands! And yes, get fucked Academy! We don’t need Beyonce performing three out of five songs at the ceremony, it’s already dramatic enough without Kanye West.]

6. I’ve never understood the appeal of younger lovers, mostly because I’m at the age (17) when “younger lover” means Jonas Brothers Concerts, Megan’s Law registry, and 11 inches of unlubbed cock in an 8 by 9’er, raping you to death. — George

[You Prison Break fans should be thankful George wasn’t the showrunner, or else this is what you might have wound up with for a series finale. Quite the tight finish in the end, really.]

5. Quick! We must fund a quest to discover the original Necronomicon. Once found, we shall chant naked in a field until the Old Ones surface to once again rule the world. Their first decision shall be to remove Ron Howard from the equation of HP Lovecraft adaptations.

Then the forced mating will begin. Those of us who refuse shall be blinded by the darkness and forced to play wild sexual musical the likes of which have never been heard before. This will, of course, be the soundtrack of the forced mating.

Then the consumption of human flesh starts, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. — Robert

[Say what you will, but I’m a sucker for sex and satanic rituals in comedy.]

4. [after Lindsey with an ‘e’ ‘s call to arms…er, tits]

It always comes down to tits and Batman on this site, doesn’t it? — mrcreosote

[I’m so reserving the URL “” I think I have the title for my first book, in which I detail the origins of Pajiba.]

3. [in reference to the crimson tide of New Moon images]

I always knew Tony Blair was a vampire. — BWeaves

As someone who just finished reading Twilight, let me just say, to preserve your sanity, PLEASE have another book at the ready in case your brain implodes from the inaninity. You need to be able to balance out the stupidity and the sheer wrongness of this drivel. I read this concurrently with Saramago’s “Blindness”, and the fact that these two people are both considered WRITERS, well, it was too depressing…

Twighlight well, I just can’t put into words what this book represents. Someone should seriously write a dissertation on the suckage of the book. (Someone who can actually write. I can’t, so I don’t bother going around saying I’m a writer.) And be sure to mention how creepy it is that countless girls and GROWN WOMEN are sighing over a stalking, controlling, manipulative DEAD guy.

Women’s Lib took a generation’s step back when this shit was published. Fuck you, Stephanie Meyer. Fuck you in your sparkly head. — Stella

Does Dakota Fanning owe her parents money?

I mean Michael Sheen was in the Underworld abortions, so he …I cant deal with him right now.

But Dakota has made mostly good movie choices. DID SOMEONE SHAKE THE BABY?! — Nadine

[I fucking love all of you. I suggest we band together, go to a midnight screening of New Moon, and RiffTrax the hell out of it! PajiBacon East 2: The Second Coming! (And BWeaves, Tony Blair is a Time Lord, not a Vampire. Get it right!)]

2. I don’t think it’s technically rape if you waited until after their nap time was over and put on a Disney animated feature to gain their consent. I also think he agreed to get her some Gummy Bears and let her stay up a whole hour past her bed time that night. — John Denver’s Wingman

[You people really whaled on the “Rape” button this week. I guess that’s what happens when Polanski meets the Po-Po, and the nation either rejoices, boos, or shouts “meh.” This was sick enough to make me laugh, while dying a little inside; and that in the end is what good controversy should do.

1. I don’t remember if I told this story once before but a long time ago, before Mrs. Rubble44 to be was even on the horizon, I met this other woman at one of my birthday parties. We hit it off immediately and made plans to go out. The first date was going well but there was a catch. This young lady was of the Jewish faith. Being an Agnostic, I didn’t care what faith she was, that was between her and her God. She said it wasn’t going to interfere in any possible relationship that the two of us may have.

Flash forward three weeks. We have gone out four times and by my calculator, it’s time to either move this thing forward or chunk it. However, we are having a great time together and seem to have a romantic chemistry. I think this thing might work. the phone rings. She calls me and instead of meeting me somewhere to discuss things, says that she thinks I am the greatest thing since sliced bread and there’s just one eeny weensy little thing I have to do to stay with her…..convert to Judiaism. I, of course, have no intention of doing such a thing for someone I met one month ago and say so. She says fine and nice to meet you. If she had said so from the beginning, I wouldn’t get my hopes up and we could have just been friends.

Oh, one more thing….

She was going to have like 5-6 of her girlfriends over and needed a movie to watch to cheer them up. She loves my taste in movies and says what is a good film to make everyone happy. I say. “In The Company of Men”. She rented it and watched it with her friends.

I wish I kept the phone message that she left me after that night. The mixture of shock and anger and a combination of curse words from every language (I think there was the Sanskrit word for fuck stick, but my Sanskrit is rusty). Apparently several of the women had gone through recent breakups where their men cheated on them and it made them all cry.

That is why, even though I may never watch it again. In The Company of Men will be one of my favorite films ever. I may go to Hell for that, but if you don’t believe in it, how can it exist? — Rubble44


Epic…fucking epic! I’m sorry, but I like the long stories and this was such an epic tale of redemption and retribution that it wins top marks in my book. Honestly, I was hearing Lord of the Rings music in my head imagining a bunch of cackling hens watching a film that quite frankly wasn’t made for them. (Ladies, think a bunch of macho footballers watching Sex and the City under the recommendation that there’s lots of pooter and tits. Same quality laughs, no?)

As the victor, Rubble44, you win a $20 movie from I’d say In the Company of Men, but A.) You hate it; and B.) It’s above the $20 cutoff. So instead, I suggest Conversation(s) with Other Women seeing as it also deals with women and Aaron Eckhart. (Mostly because it has Aaron Eckhart. Hey, it was either this or The Core!) Please send your information to Dustin at titsandbatman

That’s all out of me. If you need me, I’ll be cobbling together my “Dexter” recap audition. I’d like to thank Ms. Figgy for allowing me to fill in for her, and to Dustin for forgiving my transgressions in regards to the King Dork review. You know, I’m going to actually miss doing the EE moderating. It’s maddening, but really fun. Anyhow, my reign is over, which means it’s time for The Admin Show. (It’s the Admin show, starring him: Admin! The Admin Show, where he’ll have lots of cool guests!) Take it away, Admin!

Metropia Trailer | Pajiba Love 10/01/09

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.